TOP SUPER-STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY (PART V)

[HelluvaHoax!]

LIKE "BE-DO-HAVE" and "KRC" and "START-CHANGE-STOP"
SCIENTOLOGY IS A 3 DIMENSIONAL SCIENCE.

(the dimension designed for public relations)
The "ARC" triangle.

(the dimension designed for tax and law enforcement agencies)
The "TRL" triangle

(the dimension designed for staff to handle public)
The "QRD" triangle


If you're winning, we're going to QUOTE you!

If you're not winning, we're going to REG you!

If you mention you're losing to anyone else,
we're going to DESTROY you!


.​

 

[guanoloco]

.

the next chapter of Scientology's
FREAKY F/Ning FAQ
- - -

QUESTION:
Given 70 years to prepare for it, what would the
greatest army of supernaturally powerful OTs that ever lived DO
if you gave them 6 FULL MINUTES to promote to the entire
planet about their miracle-making technology?


ANSWER:
THIS VIDEO

QUESTION:
Wasn't that video AMAZING?


ANSWER:
Yes. I've never seen a 6 minute
Reality Factor that had NO REALITY.


QUESTION:
Yeah, but did you at least LEARN something about Ron's tech?


QUESTION:
Sure I did. I learned that
when the able don't become more able
they're at least still able to MISDIRECT & LIE.

.
​

In the first minute they're busting white guys, helping black kids, helping Muslim kids and celebrating these amazing women.

They're definitely hitting all the survey buttons.

Or are they really? Do you think these buttons are surveyed or that the Church is just picking up the signals?

 

[Harden Long]

LIKE "BE-DO-HAVE" and "KRC"
SCIENTOLOGY IS A 3 DIMENSIONAL SCIENCE.

(the dimension designed for public relations)
The "ARC" triangle.

(the dimension designed for tax and law enforcement agencies)
The "TRL" triangle

(the dimension designed for staff to handle public)
The "QRD" triangle


If you're winning, we're going to QUOTE you!

If you're not winning, we're going to REG you!

If you mention you're losing to anyone else,
we're going to DESTROY you!


.​

So KFC means Kick the Fucking Cult?
Make mine extra crispy with all the fixins, it's finger licken good!

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

In the first minute they're busting white guys, helping black kids, helping Muslim kids and celebrating these amazing women. They're definitely hitting all the survey buttons.

Or are they really? Do you think these buttons are surveyed or that the Church is just picking up the signals?

.
If the COS (Crimewave of Scientology) wants to hire me as a media advisor, I would suggest they drop all the "identity politics" buttons and just go straight to a "I BELIEVE HER!" campaign.

It would features various film clips of a non-Scientologist tax lawyer & cult spokesperson with hypnotically neurotic eye-blinking---as Monique Yingling lies up the Ying-yang.

After 70 years of drilling Scientologists on blinkless TRs, the cult
has apparently given up and opted for a down-tone twitching wog.

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

.

Make mine extra crispy with all the fixins, it's finger lickin' good!

.

Nailed it, that's how Scientologists like their Wall of Fire---extra crispy!

Maybe that's exactly what the cult of Scientology
has needed so very badly for the past half-century!

A new-and-improved LOGO and messianic MASCOT!

Someone who is more lovable than the brutal psychopaths
L. Ron Hubbard & David Miscavige, but without losing the
successful action of consonance built around "KSW" and
status-loaded military titles beginning with the letter "C"

1950-1986
The Commodore!

1986-2020
The Captain! (COB)

2020 -
The Colonel!

.​

 

[Harden Long]

.

After 70 years of drilling Scientologists on blinkless TRs, the cult
has apparently given up and opted for a down-tone twitching wog. ​

If the COS (Crimewave of Scientology) wants to hire me as a media advisor, I would suggest they drop all the "identity politics" buttons and just go straight to a "I BELIEVE HER!" campaign.

It would features various film clips of a non-Scientologist tax lawyer & cult spokesperson with hypnotically neurotic eye-blinking---as Monique Yingling lies up the Ying-yang.

.​

Gawd, it looks like a corpse that had it's eyes gouged out with a spoon and replaced with blinker bulbs!

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

cross-posted from another thread linked at:
"Church of Scientology joins attack on
The People's Republic of China:
"DON'T FUND OUR ENEMY"​

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
reprint of that original post below, scaled down to tiny font for economy.
Translation & Summary of this absurdly long (tl;dr) post is at the bottom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Susan Taylor signed the below letter in her capacity as the National Public Affairs Director of the Church of Scientology National Affairs Office.
The letter was created by The Committee on the Present Danger: China. Here is the link:
Open Letter to President Trump: Don’t Fund Our Enemies
* * * * * BEGIN EXCERPT * * * * *
DON’T FUND OUR ENEMY
April 25, 2020
President Donald J. Trump
1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Mr. President:
You have rightly taken the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) to task for its “knowing responsibility” for the current, deadly pandemic that has cost our nation and the world dearly. We strongly support your determination to get to the bottom of whether it did so accidentally or intentionally.

In the meantime, we believe nothing should be done to cause the Chinese government to believe that accountability can be avoided for the global crisis it has perpetrated through sustained deception, lack of transparency and malfeasance. Under no circumstances should we reward the CCP for such unconscionable behavior.
Unfortunately, the impending implementation of a decision first taken three years ago by the Federal Retirement Thrift Investment Board (FRTIB) risks not only conveying a decidedly mixed signal. Such a step can also empower the Chinese Communist Party and the corporations it uses to endanger our security and betray our values.
Unless you act immediately to interdict the transfer now in the offing – one that would result in the Thrift Savings Plan’s $50 billion International Fund “mirroring” the MSCI All-Country World ex-U.S.
Index, then billions of dollars of U.S. government employees’ pension funds will soon be invested in the PRC and some of its most problematic companies. The latter include the following:
• AviChina Industry & Technology Ltd.: AVIC and its subsidiaries develop and produce a range of aircraft, unmanned aircraft systems and airborne weapons for the People’s Liberation Army.
AVIC and its subsidiaries have been repeatedly sanctioned by the U.S. for missile proliferation activities in Iran.
• China Shipbuilding Industry Corporation: Naval equipment produced by CSIC includes: guided missile destroyers, frigates, conventional submarines, nuclear-powered ballistic missile submarines, unmanned aerial vehicle (UAV) systems, and, most notably, aircraft carriers.
• Hikvision Digital Technology: Hikvision manufactures video cameras and other security technology integral to the CCP’s surveillance state apparatus, its “social credit” system and the network of large-scale concentration camps used to incarcerate certain religious minorities.
Hikvision has been sanctioned by the U.S. government for human rights and other activities “contrary to the national security or foreign policy interests of the United States.”
• Zhongxing Telecommunications Equipment Corporation (ZTE): ZTE is a telecommunications company that has engaged in economic and trade activities in sanctioned states in violation of U.S. laws and regulations.
• China Communications Construction Company: As of 2015, CCCC owned over half of China’s dredging industry capacity.Several CCCC subsidiaries have been observed conducting dredging (and other) activity in support of Beijing’s illegal island-building activity in the South China Sea.
2
• China Unicom: China Unicom is providing telecommunications systems to the contested Paracel Islands and Spratly Islands in the South China Sea to service China’s civilian and military personnel and also reportedly to support signals intelligence activities.
• China Mobile Ltd.: China Mobile provides telecommunications services to illegal fortified Chinese-constructed islands in the Paracel and Spratly Island chains. In May 2019, the U.S. FCC denied China Mobile’s application to provide international telecommunications services between the U.S. and foreign destinations, saying it “raises substantial national security and law enforcement risks.”
• China Telecom Corporation: In April 2020, the U.S. government pulled a license from this Chinese telecommunications company’s American subsidiary on the grounds that it entailed unacceptable risks of Chinese espionage and disruption of U.S. networks.
The appalling prospect that, among others, our men and women in uniform would, as a result of this outrageous FRTIB initiative, be compelled to invest their personal retirement savings in companies building advanced weapons systems designed to kill them prompted eleven influential flag, general and non-commissioned officers – including two former National Security Advisors to the President – to take action. They recently urged the Joint Chiefs of Staff to recommend that you intervene to prevent this outrage, something you have the authority to do pursuant to the International Economic Emergency Powers Act (IEEPA).
By acting in this way, these military leaders are echoing bipartisan and bicameral congressional requests that the FRTIB suspend further implementation of its decision, originally taken in 2017 under very different circumstances. Such recommendations are also aligned with overwhelming public sentiment – as documented in a national poll of likely voters conducted by John McLaughlin in January, before the pandemic further sharpened popular attitudes towards Communist China.
For all these reasons, we strenuously endorse such appeals and call on you to act before any Thrift Savings Plan funds begin enriching the Chinese Communist Party, and enabling its further malevolence directed at the United States.

Sincerely,

Mr. Brian Kennedy
Chairman, Committee on the Present Danger: China
President, The American Strategy Group
Hon. Frank R. Wolf
Former Member of Congress
Lt. Col. Allen West, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Member of Congress
Hon. Dave Brat
Former Member of Congress
Dean, Liberty University School of Business
Gen. James L. Jones, U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.)
Former National Security Advisor to the President
3
Vice Adm. John Poindexter, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Former National Security Advisor to the President
Hon. Stephen K. Bannon
Former White House Chief Strategist
Hon. Tidal W. “Ty” McCoy
Former Secretary of the Air Force (Acting)
Hon. Robert Joseph
Former Under Secretary of State for Arms Control and International Security
Mr. Frank J. Gaffney
Vice Chairman, Committee on the Present Danger: China
Former Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Policy (Acting)
Hon. Edward Timperlake
Former Assistant Secretary of Veterans Affairs
Managing Editor, Defense.info
Hon. Fred Fleitz
Former Chief of Staff, National Security Council
President and CEO, Center for Security Policy
Hon. Henry Cooper
Former Director, Strategic Defense Initiative
Chairman, High Frontier
Hon. Kenneth deGraffenreid
Former Special Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs
Lt. Gen. William “Jerry” Boykin, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Deputy Under Secretary of Defense, Intelligence
Lt. Gen. Stephen Kwast, U.S. Air Force (Ret.)
Former Commander, Air Education and Training Command
Maj. Gen. Robert F. Dees, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Commander, 2nd Infantry Division, U.S. Forces Korea
Maj. Gen. Gregory Schumacher, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Deputy Director for Intelligence, U.S. Army
Maj. Gen. Robert Walters, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Commanding General, U.S. Army Intelligence Center of Excellence
Brig. Gen. Robert Spalding
Former Defense Attaché, Beijing and former Senior Director for Strategic Planning, National Security Council
4

Rear Adm. Russ Penniman, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Former Deputy Commander and Chief of Staff, U.S. Pacific Fleet
Capt. James Fanell, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Former Director of Intelligence and Information Operations, U.S. Pacific Fleet
Capt. J.P. London, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Executive Chairman, CACI Inc.
Col. John Mills, U.S. Army (Ret.)
Former Director of Cybersecurity Policy, Strategy, and International Affairs Office of the Secretary of Defense
Col. James Dau, U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.)
Chief Executive Officer, Iran Alive Ministries
Capt. John E. Vinson, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Col. David Bena, U.S. Air Force (Ret.)
Chaplain
Capt. Emil Levine, U.S. Navy Reserves (Ret.)
Lt. Col. M. L. “Buzz” Hefti, (Ret), former Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Legislative Affairs
Lt. Col. Kaaren Teuber U.S. Air Force (Ret.)
Texoma Patriots
Cmdr. Fred Stratton, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Cmdr. Michael Bender, U.S. Navy (Ret.)
Chief Master Sgt. William Wiseman, U.S. Air Force (Ret.)
Gunnery Sgt. Jessie Jane Duff, U.S. Marine Corps (Ret.)
Senior Fellow, London Center for Policy Research
Joseph Bosco, Esq.
Former China Desk Officer, Office of the Secretary of Defense
Dr. Sasha Gong, Ph.D.
Former Chief of the Mandarin Service, Voice of America
Charles “Sam” Faddis
Former Army officer and CIA Officer (Ret.)
Brad Johnson
Former CIA Officer (Ret.)
President, Americans for Intelligence Reform
5
Chet Nagle
Former Naval Aviator, former Defense Department official
Senior Analyst, Ravenna Associates
Jim Sturdevant II
Retired Defense Intelligence Agency Civilian Officer
Patrick Carberry
Former Special Agent, FBI (Retired)
Joshuacord.Org - Christians in the Mirror
Kyle Bass
Chief Investment Officer, Hayman Capital Management L.P.
Dr. Anders Corr, Ph.D.
Publisher
Journal of Political Risk

Dr. Xiaoxu “Sean” Lin, Ph.D.
Executive Director
Global Alliance Against Communist Propaganda and Disinformation
Dr. Jianli Yang
Founder and President, Citizen Power Initiatives for China
Lianchao Han
Vice President, Citizen Power Initiatives for China
Pastor Bob Fu
President, ChinaAid
Salih Hudayar
Prime Minister, East Turkistan Government-in-Exile
Eric Metaxas
Author and Host, The Eric Metaxas Show
Dr. Bradley Thayer, Ph.D.
Author and Professor
Maura Moynihan
Students for a Free Tibet
Paul Berkowitz
Former Professional Staff Member
House Foreign Affairs Committee
Steven W. Mosher
President, Population Research Institute
6
Dr. Peter Vincent Pry
Executive Director, Task Force on National and Homeland Security
Dr. J. Michael Waller, Ph.D.
Senior Analyst for Strategy, Center for Security Policy
Dr. Suzanne Scholte, Ph.D.
President, Defense Forum Foundation
Kevin Freeman
Founder, National Security Investment Consultants Institute
Host, Economic War Room with Kevin Freeman
Elizabeth Yore, Esq.
YoreChildren
Reggie Littlejohn
President, Women’s Rights Without Frontiers
Ginni Thomas
President, Liberty Consulting
The Right Reverend Derek L.S. Jones
Bishop of the Armed Forces and Chaplaincy
The Anglican Church in North America (ACNA)
The Right Reverend Dr. William Atwood
Anglican Bishop
Pastor Julie DeRung
Associate Pastor, Crystal River Ministry Center
Pastor Kevin Jessip
President, Global Strategic Alliance
Dede Laugesen
Executive Director, Save the Persecuted Christians
Dominic Sputo
Author and Entrepreneur
Rev. Shawn A. Mitchell
Former National Chaplain
National Federation of Republican Assemblies (NFRA)
Paul Pickern
Chief Executive Officer, All Pro Pastors International
7
Faith J. H. McDonnell
Director, International Religious Liberty Program
Institute on Religion and Democracy
Jorge Parrott
President, Christ's Mandate for Missions
Stephen Enada
Executive President, International Committee on Nigeria
Pastor Greg Young
Host, Chosen Generation Radio Show
George Parker
Executive Director, Revealing Light Ministries
Daniel Emig
Frontier Partners International
Zeno Gamble
Operations Manager, The Nazarene Fund
Allen Morris
Executive Director, Concerned Methodists
Pastor Greg Tweddell
Founding Pastor, Ignition633 Ministries
Dr. Oluwasayo Ajiboye
President, Mission Africa International
Dr. Lloyd Phillips, Ph.D.
Fellow Laborers' International Network
Anna Parrott
Chief Financial Officer, Christ’s Mandate for Missions
Rev. Lindi Caywood
Kingdom Flare, LLC
Gloria Koczera
Morningstar Ministries
Mark Singer
Moral Action Ministry
William Brown
Organizer, Christian Activist Network of New England
8
Susan Taylor
National Public Affairs Director
Church of Scientology National Affairs Office
E. Miles Prentice, Esq.
Chairman, Board of Directors
Center for Security Policy
Donald L. Woodsmall
Owner of Arromid, LLC
Andy Miller
President, Angry Eagle Holdings, LLC
Ken Dragotta,
Director, Waukesha Conservative Business Council
Ebby Moussazadeh
President, Matrix Creations
Augusta Petrone
Member, Board of Directors
Center for Security Policy
Andrew Whitney
President and CEO, Oceanic Energy Ltd.
r. Jennifer London, Ph.D.
National Director, National American History and Founders Initiative
Rod D. Martin
Founder & Chief Executive Officer
The Martin Organization, Inc.
Haley E. Martin
President, The Martin Foundation
Sherri R. Martin
Executive Vice President, The Martin Organization, Inc.
Guillermo J. Aragon
Chief Financial Officer, Martin Imaging, Inc.
Christina Murphy Lusk
Campaign for the American Future
Annie Dempsey
York County GOP
9
Bryan Hickox
President and CEO, Bryan Hickox Pictures, Inc.
Dr. Tim Daughtry
Author and Consultant
Kim Bongiorno
Buyer's Information Service, Inc.
James Newman
Senior Analyst, Operational Integration
Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory
Dennis Black
President, American Jobs Aliance.com
Brett Kingstone
Chief Executive Officer, Max King Realty, LLC
Peggy Littleton
ReadyOp
Yana Way
Way Tutoring
Mr. Mike Ramirez
Patriots' Group, Texas
Robert Oster
V. L Elliott
Deborah King
Sharon Nilsen
Michael Parks
Margaret Mayfield
Cheryl Barboa
Donald Hurley
Esther Smith
Randall McSmith
Lynn Copeland
10
Dennis Miller
Camilla Miller
Robert Jordan
Mary Jordan
Norma Hunter
Carolyn Shugart
Joanne S. Macko
Dr. Donald Macko, MD
Michael Husar
Jacquelyn Keenan
Dale Diorio
Dr. Thomas Bralliar, MD
Timothy Lyon
Paul Rasch
Belinda Guda
cc: Vice President Mike Pence
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows
National Security Advisor to the President Robert O’Brien
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TRANSLATION & SUMMARY
​

Hello! We're the Church of Scientology and we are really really good people!​

Listen, wee haven't read the letter we sent you (tl;dr) but we paid good money​

for a DC lobbyist law firm to to write that impressively long letter for us. ​

​

Here's the deal. Our cult vessel (The Tech-tanic) has hit an iceberg and we are​

sinking! All the modern countries in the world have the internet and people ​

everywhere reject, revile and ridicule us! But not China, because they standardly​

censor the internet just like Ron would have wanted it; and they Fair Game the​

living hell out of anyone who tries to post or read "critical" material. Thus while ​

Scientology is "mankind's only hope, China is "Scientology's only hope" ​

to recruit new deluded donors. However the Chinese government won't let us​

defraud the Chinese people with fake miracle tech and guarantees of supernatural​

powers! And they truly hate our rhetorical marketing gimmick "Total Freedom!" ​

They don't believe in that any more than Hubbard did. So, we can't get our Big League ​

Closing happening in mainland China unless we try to lobby all these spectacularly ​

successful wogs that we sent the letter to--to help put pressure on China so we can​

sneak in there under a religious scam, the same way we covertly invaded and took​

over Clearwater, Florida. So, as we say, whatever our lawyers wrote in that letter​

is probably a good shore story and acceptable truth about some other bullshit issue​

with China that we frankly don't give a shit about. But we really need to open up ​

a new country and even selling a com course to everyone in China for 20 bucks​

each would be $27,860,000,000 in revenue for our church and if you get out your​

abacus, get a load of how much your 10% FSM cut of the deal is!!! Hell, you ​

could pay out 1.8 billion dollars in bribe money to corrupt Chinese politicians and​

still pocket a cool $1BILLION for yourself. That buys a lot of eggrolls my friend!​

​

​

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

Inspired by a fun and illuminating thread named
"If the Sea Org motto is WE COME BACK
how come nobody has come back?"
- - -
​

THE BASICS: That motto. Sea Org members and Scientologists actually believe that all of them once worked with L. Ron Hubbard many years ago on a mission to save the universe. They were all magically miraculous OT gods, but somehow they failed to "salvage this sector". So they took a short break for 183 quadrillion year or so and then "came back" in 1950. To finish the cycle.

THE LOGO: It has different variations but the truly authenticate ones boast the word "REVENIMUS", Latin for "We Come Back".

SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE QUITE PROUD
OF THEMSELVES FOR "COMING BACK" TO
(AS MR. CRUISE DESCRIBES)
"CLEAN THIS PLACE UP"

There was a cute cartoon by the ever-witty poster
Xenu Xenu Xenu that looked like this. . .

It even had the GALACTIC SYMBOL
that Ron stated (not said) would
remind everyone on this slave planet
that the Sea Org (today) is the same
messianic menagerie of managers
that used to run the universe-saving
operations quadrillions of years ago.

Ron guaranteed that when anyone saw
the Sea Org's intergalactically cosmic logo---

--they would immediately surrender control of
their mind and life to anyone wearing it
on their pretend naval costume.


did you happen to notice this from Xenu Xenu Xenu's cartoon?

!!! LOL !!!


.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

from that same thread celebrating the
quadrillion year com lag known as
"WE COME BACK"
- - -

QUESTION:
If your motto is "We Come Back"
How come nobody has come back?

ANSWER:
"We said we would come back and we DID!
We're here, on this planet! Duhh! Actually we were
all with Ron way back on the wholetrack and we tried
to free all beings in the universe--and we almost did it!
Except that there were errant punctuation marks in a few]
of Ron's books, so nobody went Clear or OT then either.
It took us all a little time to get the old group back together
but we all arrived and reported to Ron again in 1950 so we
could mop up and finish the job of saving everyone. This
is all scientific fact. If you have any doubts you can look
down your own wholetrack right now and find the time when
we were all helping Ron salvage this sector. Seriously! Try
it right now and you'll easily find the incident. If you have
any trouble spotting it, simply use the Self Analysis
perceptic wheel and direction your attention to what
odors you were smelling 716 quadrillion years ago."


- - - - - - FREE BONUS SECTION- - - - - - -

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

INTRODUCING THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY'S
NEWEST STAFF MEMBER!
CONNIE COMLAG

​

MEET CONNIE!
Hello! I am Connie Comlag and I would like to know what is needed & wanted. Currently I am not quite posted here and not quite ready to post, because naturally as a new org staff member I am out in the gardens shoveling and doing mest work in the Estates Project Force that is preparing me!

BACKGROUND:
Connie is a veteran Scientologist and joined L. Ron Hubbard's "Sea Project" back in mid 1960s where she quickly rose to be Ron's personal secretary. The above photo is the last known one of Connie, taken in 1967 aboard the Apollo where she was Ron's personal mimeo officer whenever he found it necessary to declare an SP. After serving on that post faithfully for 5 years, Ron had Connie's name permanently engraved on his personal mimeo machine and he promoted her to the elite status of "Loyal Mimeographer".

SPECIAL MISSION:
Thus it was in 1972 that Ron gave connie the greatest gift imaginable--- her prized mimeo machine, The same day LRH gave her a very special VIP briefing to let her know that he was going to secretly leave the Apollo and go to a super secret destination so that the planet's SPs could not find him and slow or stop his advanced research into magical powers. Ron saw that she was shaken and tearful when he explained that she could not go with him. Instead, he assured her that she now was going to hold one of (if not THE) most important posts in the universe. Wherever Ron would be in the future, to safeguard the planet and mankind, Ron would always need someone to type and print SP Declares in order to shatter his enemies and remain total cause. Ron gave her a special code and pay phone that she needed to report to each day at a pre-ordained time, in case he would call. Connie was given a confidential address and told to report there where her rent and expenses would be anonymously paid. She was to stay there until given written instructions in writing from only Ron himself.

THE WAITING YEARS
From 1972 -2020 Connie lived a simple but very happy life, alone in a tiny studio apartment in some undisclosed location. Each day she would walk to the corner and wait at the payphone at the assigned 10 minute slot in case Ron called. It was extremely rare but exciting when she would hear the phone ring and Ron's voice would give her confidential instructions who to Declare.He let her know that he could not appear to be part of church management, so if anyone ever interrogated her, she was simply to say that she her post was "International Ethics Liaison" and she was responsible to remove SPs from Scientology's safe and sacred space. The calls grew less and less frequent and entirely ceased during the first part of 1986. By this, Connie assumed that Ron was so incredibly OT that he had succeeded to "GET IN ETHICS ON PLANET EARTH" and therefore nobody else needed to be Declared. This made her joyous indeed.

1986-2020:
As per her mission orders, Connie never spoke to anyone, did not watch TV, did not listen to radio or read anything that was not written by LRH. For nearly 4 decades Connie did her post every day, frequently writing up Success Stories about how happy she was to be saving mankind. After writing out each success story, she was careful to light it on fire and make sure to bury the ashes, per the LRH advice on never putting anything in writing. On the anniversary of her 38th year of loyal service to Ron she walked to the corner as she had always done--except today something very shocking happened. The payphone was gone.

THE TIME OF DESPERATION
Connie was hysterical but hid it neatly behind her TRs. She went in and out of every single store on that little street asking the shopkeeper and customers "What happened to the payphone??!!" The answer was always the same: "They took it away--it wasn't needed any more because everyone is using mobile phones now"
Connie asked each person what a mobile phone was and where to find it. She became very confused and disoriented and began wandering the streets day and night looking for a payphone in case LRH needed her. The police often noticed her and checked to see if she was okay or possibly needed emergency medical services to do a welfare check. They were mystified about why she could not tell them why she could only talk on a PAYPHONE instead of just using a cell phone. She could not reveal the confidential details of her mission for Ron.

THE DAY OF GREAT JOY
After an interminable period of wandering the city in search of a phone booth, Connie saw something curiously familiar--an OCA test lying on the ground. She continued and saw other discarded things with the Scn logo on it. A free ticket to an introductory film here----a free ticket for a intro lecture about Dianetics there. She followed the discards, like breadcrumbs in the forest. It lead her to a holy moment she she looked up, sacredly stunned to be standing in from of a local Scientology center, and tears began streaming down her face. Stood there for hours, unable to decide if she should go in and tell them her dilemma. Finally a body router came up to her and managed to 8C her inside. She explained it all.

CONNIE RECEIVES AN R-FACTOR
After Connie revealed the super secret mission she was on for LRH, she asked to be put in touch with him immediately. The Org MMA called in OSA and they then briefed her that Ron was so OT that he had to leave his body 34 years earlier, which "indicated" to Connie why she hadn't received any calls since 1986. Connie was very very good indicators that Ron was continuing his OT research in deep space without any distractions. This was all she ever dreamed of for her Commodore.

LATEST NEWS ON CONNIE!
Connie is almost ready to take her new post on staff and we'll let you know when that happens. Today was another huge day for her because she received her "OKAY TO SIGN A NEW UPDATED SEA ORG CONTRACT" that gave her credit for the years she logged in since 1966. As part of the dozens of documents, affadavits, contracts and waivers that she signed, she was required to sign an agreement to never look at or use the internet without prior written approval, and then only with a Scientology minder sitting next to her. Connie felt confused, she asked "WHAT IS THE INTERNET?" Right this minute, Connie is getting a briefing on how psychiatrists invented an electronic device to cripple and degrade big beings so they lose their eternity. Connie is so very grateful that they are giving her these r-factors, the same way Ron used to give her r-factors, to help her. Connie is then told to sit quietly in the room until org staff return with clay for her to demonstrate what will happen to her and to mankind if she tries to use the internet.

.

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

UPDATE: CONNIE COMLAG'S FIRST DAY ON HER NEW POST!
Connie was thrilled to get her old post back as Mimeo Officer! Although in the previous 40 years virtually all technology had been replace by now dozens of different times, the policies and mimeograph machine section of the org was still standard, which made Connie smile to herself. She wrote a small success story about how Scientology only works if KSW is followed and nobody can change what Ron said to do.

Behind her back, other org staff members whispered and laughed at Connie, comparing her to one of those Japanese World War II soldiers who hid out in the remote jungles of the Philippines, because they did not get word that the war had ended for 40 years. Even then, the org staff chuckled---they were so brainwashed that they wouldn't even believe that their emperor had surrendered. Staff members had wins on how that could never happen to an OT like themselves, because they always stayed in Present Time.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

How Scientology management maximizes
profit margins by reducing overhead.

ALSO KNOWN AS. . .
.

 

[Harden Long]

.

UPDATE: CONNIE COMLAG'S FIRST DAY ON HER NEW POST!
Connie was thrilled to get her old post back as Mimeo Officer! Although in the previous 40 years virtually all technology had been replace by now dozens of different times, the policies and mimeograph machine section of the org was still standard, which made Connie smile to herself. She wrote a small success story about how Scientology only works if KSW is followed and nobody can change what Ron said to do.

Behind her back, other org staff members whispered and laughed at Connie, comparing her to one of those Japanese World War II soldiers who hid out in the remote jungles of the Philippines, because they did not get word that the war had ended for 40 years. Even then, the org staff chuckled---they were so brainwashed that they wouldn't even believe that their emperor had surrendered. Staff members had wins on how that could never happen to an OT like themselves, because they always stayed in Present Time.

.

Hoaxy, your posts are some of the best free entertainment/educations available on the internet as are Karen's as well! I usually come here in wonder of "what are they going to post next!"

 

[Chuck J.]

I saw that pic of Connie Comlag and for a sec thought you had found the SP transcriptionist! Although in her 90's, and no longer able to drive, she's still a master of disguise and has so far eluded all attempt's by the COS to find her and bring her to justice.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

If Scientology actually practiced
"Truth In Advertising"


- PRETEND STAT -

- ACTUAL STAT -

.​

 

[Chuck J.]

.

If Scientology actually practiced
"Truth In Advertising"


- PRETEND STAT -

- ACTUAL STAT -

.​

I've mentioned this before. Papercrete. You mix waste paper with cement and it actually becomes stronger and somewhat more fire resistant. I've thought of renting a couple PO boxes and signing up for $cientology materials, pretty soon they'll be sending a deluge of promo, (paper). Then you shred it and mix it in the concrete to make papercrete. The idea being to build a house with it out of papercrete blocks. Maybe out in the country, somewhere the zoning allows it rather than the city. Seems a higher and better use for all those trees destroyed to make $cientology promo. Building something constructive with it. The house that the cult supplied the material for. For free.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

NO WONDER THAT SCIENTOLOGY
CAN'T CLEAR THE PLANET!!!

​

L. Ron Hubbard states that in order to have a world without insanity, war and criminality all beings would have to have access to the knowledge contained in Ron's books, volumes and audiotaped lectures.

PROBLEM: Of the world's 7.4 billion people- - -

1. How many people on this planet could even save up during their lifetime over $20,000 to buy all those Source materials?​

2. Even if 7.4 billion people could afford it, how many even have enough space at home to store such a warehouse of material?​

SOLUTION: Scientology stops trying to sell the knowledge, but instead helps all beings to achieve "Total Freedom", by giving away the knowledge "Totally Free"! If that was possible, then Scientology could easily clear the planet AND have lines stretching for miles outside their Ideal Orgs of people demanding to pay untold fortunes to receive the auditing.

WOULDN'T IT MAKE EVERYONE ON THE PLANET A CRIMINAL TO GIVE THEM RON'S PRICELESS TECH WITHOUT EXCHANGING CASH FOR IT?
No. Scientology already hands out tens of millions of free "Way To Happiness" pamphlets and nobody goes "crim" there. It says right in the precepts to not be a criminal, so Ron already figured all this out.

WOULDN'T IT DRIVE THE COS BANKRUPT TO GIVE 7.4 BILLION PEOPLE ALL THE BOOKS, VOLUMES & TAPES? No, because you can just give them a tiny 2 inch flashdrive that is actually a tiny fraction of the price of the millions of dollars of mailed-promo pieces you send out each year that people throw in the garbage without even opening. The COS could convert their $60,000,000 printing facility into a flashdrive production unit and make them for less than the cost of postage alone they are already wasting.

I AM GETTING A HEADACHE, CAN YOU PROVIDE THE MISSING MASS?
Sure, a single tiny flashdrive (1 terabyte) can hold 50,000,000,000 words.

​

HOW DOES IT WORK AGAIN? Thus, a single, pocket-sized 1TB plug-in could hold ALL of L. Ron Hubbard's published 10M words, plus room enough to also include an additional 49,990,000,000 success story words by Scientologists who went OT and now are excited to tell their miraculous wins.

CONCLUSION: Surely having all Ron's wisdom at their fingertips would be more than enough to make 7.4 billion homo sapiens want to donate $600K each for their Bridge, and that would be a nice uptick on Scientology's "Cash Reserves" stat with that $4,440,000,000,000,000 bump, right?

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

Scientology spends tens of millions of dollars on Super Bowl ads that
nobody pays any attention to. They even try to rope in victims with their
very best gimmick---the "mystery sandwich" wherein a question is asked
but Scn refuses to provide an answer. Even though their senior policy is:

"ALWAYS ANSWER PEOPLE'S QUESTIONS!"


Here's a sample "mystery sandwich" screen capture
that Ron guarantees will trick marks into reaching--

Jeez, I hate those mystery sandwiches! Ideally I don't want to have
to go into an Ideal Org to find out the answer---so I
am wondering if any readers here might know
the answer to that mystery?
Anyone?

- - -
​

originally posted by PC​

The answer is yes. I have written before about an operation that was performed​

on me once that was incredibly harmful later. (see Operation Freakout)*​

​

Best Regards,​

Paulette Cooper​

​

​

​

​

* The "words said during the operation" were spoken by Scientology when they went to the FBI and falsely accused Paulette of making terrorist bomb threats. They said she should be prosecuted and locked up for life. These were extremely harmful later--as Paulette was then investigated, indicted, bankrupted, nearly driven mad and to suicide--and almost spent the rest of her life in federal prison.

[posted response by Paulette Cooper was received via telepathic channeling, nonetheless it was transcribed verbatim]

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

L. RON HUBBARD HAS JUST BROKEN
ANOTHER GUINNESS WORLD RECORD!

Not only does Dr. Hubbard hold the Guinness Record for having
"THE MOST PUBLISHED WORKS BY ONE AUTHOR"(1,084)

Ron just set a new world record for
"THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOK" (1 word)

The book contains the answer to the question
posed on the cover in only one (1) word--
"RON"


TRIVIA: The Number 2 Shortest book ever published was written
by an ex-Scientologist, L. Don Hubbard (see avatar & bio below).
His book (same title) contained only two (2) words--
"NOT RON"

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

SCIENTOLOGY TELEVISION
24 hours a day - 7 days a week
"This'll handle it!"

​

FAQ:

WHAT IS SCIENTOLOGY TV? It's the groundbreaking "BRIGHT IDEA" that is supposed to erase all of the nightmarishly bad public relations meltdowns that were caused by the previous 70 years of "BRIGHT IDEAS"

CAN YOU GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF A "BRIGHT IDEA"? Sure let's take a peek right now at what is playing on the cult's clearing channel.

​

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD--WHERE'S THE PROBLEM? That's the problem--it sounds good. It doesn't actually do anything else besides sound good. But, what actually happens when the cult tries to apply their own brilliant "BRIGHT IDEA" to their own real-world quarrels and conflicts?

3RD PARTY TECH FACTS VS FICTION: First some numbers--

• Scientology boasts "20,000,000" members (ref: Kirstie Alley and other spokespersons)​
• Currently Scn only has an estimated 15,000-20,000 members. ​
• Therefore, 99% of everyone who ever tried the 100% workable tech blew. ​
• Causing 99% of your paying public to leave and become a worldwide internet army of angry customers, vengeful whistleblowers & enemies is really good.

WHY DIDN'T SCIENTOLOGY APPLY THE 3RD PARTY TECH TO ALL THEIR OWN ENEMIES? They did!

SO WHY DIDN'T THE 3RD PARTY TECH WORK? Because 99% of the 100% workable tech doesn't work. That's why 99% blow. Have I mentioned recently that something is wrong with the tech?

OKAY THEN, WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS WHEN SCIENTOLOGY TRIES TO HANDLE IT'S ENEMIES? Actually they're not "enemies". Only Scientology calls them that. What they actually are is disgruntled customers. When they show up at the Customer Service window, Scientology does the following:

1. To resolve the conflict the COS does not apply 3rd Party tech. Instead, the COS tries to SELL their upset customer on some new auditing or course that will handle their upset. ​
2. If that doesn't work, the COS still refuses to apply the 3rd Party Tech towards resolving the conflict. Instead, they send the unsatisfied customer to ETHICS or SEC CHECKS to CONFESS what evil acts they have committed that causes them to be critical and in conflict with the church.
3. If that doesn't work, the COS steadfastly refuses to look for the 3rd Party. Instead they ATTACK the customer with "Non Enturbulation Orders" and "Declares" then a "Suppressive Person". After that, they "Disconnect" from that person, and if the customer continues to say or post critical things, the church creates a hate-website against that "psychotic criminal".

WAIT, IF THE CULT DOESN'T USE IT'S OWN 3RD PARTY CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECH, WHAT IS THE POINT OF PROMOTING IT ON CULT CABLE-TV? Because L. Ron Hubbard guaranteed everyone that his advanced technology was going to create "A World Without War", which requires a conflict resolution methodology. Hubbard himself needed a solution to the vast numbers of people around the globe whom he had defrauded and thereafter became his "ENEMIES"--flooding his world with unresolved "conflicts" and "quarrels". That was his motivation to discover the term 3rd Party Tech, because "3rd Party Tech" sounds so much more impressively appealing than "BlueBird Motorhome Tech".

SO ARE YOU ACTUALLY CLAIMING THAT THE THIRD PARTY TECH DOESN"T WORK? Okay, let's put it this way. Imagine an entire worldwide internet wildly overflowing with both ex-Scientologists and "wogs" who regard Ron's religion with rejection, revulsion & ridicule. Now, imagine that you are a desperately dying lying cult in the middle of a nuclear war, trying to apply sunscreen to avoid radiation. Finally, imagine your solution to all of this is to set up a desperately tiny website that nobody watches, where you incessantly brag that you (whilst you are being nuked into non-existence) you can somehow save everyone else from nuclear war. Have I mentioned recently that the practitioners of the "modern science of mental health" are actually mentally ill?

.