IDIOTS GUIDE TO HOW SCIENTOLOGY GURUS
KEEP SCIENTOLOGY WORKING
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I know---
This post is way too super-damn long!
But so is your eternity, my friend!
Don't muff it now!
STEP #1
Guru Discovers New Miraculous Technology!
STEP #2
Guru Assigns it a Miraculous Sounding Name!!
STEP #3
Guru Creates a Miraculous Looking Promo PIece!
STEP #4
Guru Creates A Miraculous End Phenomena!
STEP #5
Guru Makes Up A Wildly Lavish Price!
STEP #6
Guru Orders Staff To Go Sell New Miraculous Rundown
---example---
STAFF MEMBER
So have you seen this new promo pice for the miraculous
new tech Ron discovered called Ned For OTs (NOTS)!
Here take a lot at this freaking poster!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Oh WOWWWWWWWWWW!
That is totally amazing.
STAFF MEMBER
Right?
Ron states that it's miraculous!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Unbelievable! I really need and want this new
Rundown, what does it do again?
STAFF MEMBER
Dude, this handles all your evil purposes which
is the reason none of the other miraculous rundowns
you did that last 27 years worked at all!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
OMG, that so totally indicates to me. I feel
like I am like totally blowing down! So,
how much does it coast?
STAFF MEMBER
It's sold in blocks of 50 hours. You can buy one
50 hour block to get started. Later you'll need
to buy a second 50 hour block, but pulling
in that kind of chump change is nothing
for a being who doesn't have an
evil purposes holding them back!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Oh.My.God! This is what I've been waiting
for for 3 decades, I can't thank Ron enough
for this miraculous breakthough that totally handles---
STAFF MEMBER
(interrupting)
Wait, wait, wait. You should hold off on your OT
Success Story until after you get the NOTS Rundown, right?
So let's make your postulate to do it real, by paying
me right now for 50 hours. Check or charge card?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Oh! I forgot to ask how much 50 hours costs.
STAFF MEMBER
With all your membership discount, advance payment discount and
other unbelievable discounts for buying it today-only,
that comes to the incredibly low price of $49,999!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Oh shit, I don't have ANY way of paying that much money!
STAFF MEMBER
What's wrong Billy? A minute ago you were so high toned and
tone 40 that you wanted to do the Rundown?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Well, I mean the poster looks okay and everything, but
I guess I have a lot of debt at the moment and I
should probably plan this out and
think about it a little more.
STAFF MEMBER
The poster looks okay?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Yeah, it's okay.
STAFF MEMBER
Billy, I need you to wait here for a moment
because i just learned that there is new breaking
news on the new miraculous NOTs rundown. Stay
right here. I'll be right back. . .
[- 5 MINUTES LATER -]
STAFF MEMBER
Okay, I'm back Billy. You're not going to believe
this. Ron just made a huge new breakthrough on
the new miraculous NOTS rundown!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Again? But nobody even started the rundown yet.
And you already told me it will give me miraculous powers.
STAFF MEMBER
No Billy, this is not about the rundown, this is
about the brand new POSTER for the rundown.
(unfurls new NOTS poster)
STAFF MEMBER
(grinning ear-to-ear)
Soooo?!!!!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Like I said before, it's okay.
Looks exactly the same.
STAFF MEMBER
No Billy, I need you to really look at this poster!
There is a biggg biggg biggg difference!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Sorry, it looks the same. Listen, thanks fo
much for the briefing, I gotta get going because-----
STAFF MEMBER
BILLLLLYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!
(points at certain spot on poster)
Billy, did you notice this?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
OMG! OMG! Holy shit. I just noticed that!
STAFF MEMBER
Right? NOTS is just like that!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
OMG, this is really miraculous--I didn't know
that NOTS was lie a space craft ride thru
intergalactic space!! I love it!
STAFF MEMBER
How about we lock down those 50 hours right
now for you Billy? Check or Charge?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Wow, I just blew some charge and remembered
that I have a charge card in my card that
I forgot to put in my wallet. I can charge
the entire $50,000 today. I'll be dead-ass
broke for the next 24 months, but
I'll do it because I need
those miracle powers!
Promise you won't
try to reg me unti
i pay off this
$50K loan?
STAFF MEMBER
Absolutely guaranteed. I won't
even talk about money again
for the next two years!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Deal! I'll just go out to my car
to get my other charge card now.
[ - 5 MINUTES LATER - ]
BILLY BLOWDOWN
(hands over charge card)
Here you go!
STAFF MEMBER
(runs $50K on card, Billy signs receipt)
Here you go Billy. Very Well Done!
You know a really funny thing happened
while you went out to your car. Ron made
a huge breakthrough on the OT IV Drug Rundown,
which happens to be your next step after you
complete your NOTS rundown. I'd like to give
you an r-factor about this new breakthrough, Billy.
BILLY BLOWDOWN
I can't afford another breakthrough, sorry.
STAFF MEMBER
But Billy, I'm not asking you to pay any more today,
I just want to share the really super theta breakthrough.
BILLY BLOWDOWN
I don't know, every time there is a new breakthrough I
get overwhelmed with even more debt.
STAFF MEMBER
I gave you sacred word before that I won't reg you more today.
BILLY BLOWDOWN
....um......well......okay....
what is it?
STAFF MEMBER
It's Ron's new breakthrough on OT IV.
(starts unfurling the new poster)
Look at this Billy! What do you see?
Do you see what I see?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Um, yeah I think so!
STAFF MEMBER
No Billy look again, look here. . .
(points at certain spot)
BILLY BLOWDOWN
(gasps)
OMG!
STAFF MEMBER
What'd I tell ya?
BILLY BLOWDOWN
I can't believe there is another shiny rocket hurtling
through intergalactic space...and this time it's
even. more miraculous. It's heading straight
towards a mysteriously glowing OT thingie!
STAFF MEMBER
Whadya say, Billy, do you want that miracle because
we can secure that miracle for you today, right now!
BILLY BLOWDOWN
I'd love that miracle. I'd die for that miracle, whatever
it is. But i just maxed out my only remaining charge
card. I just wish I had another charge card
because I'd pay for that miracle
like right now!
STAFF MEMBER
Billy, while you were out at your car just now
I got you approved for a higher credit limit.
This priceless Drug Rundown is only
another $37,000. I already ran it
for you, just sign here.
BILLY BLOWDOWN
Wow. I don't even know how to begin
to thank you for all these preciously priceless miracles!
...
.
