2027 Ideal Scientology Predictions

[Alex P. Keaton]

It's That Time of Year.....
The 2027 Scientology Ideal Predictions Thread!


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WELCOME to the 2027 "Ideal Predictions Thread"! Of course we have to have some rules, so I propose the following:

1. All predictions must be posted by January 31st, 2027.
2. Go ahead and consult with anything or anyone, anywhere. Wogs, Pre-Clears, OTs, Psychics, tarot card and palm readers, Ouija boards, the "magic 8-ball", anyone or anything you like. Seriously. Anyone. EVEN YOUR FATHER'S BROTHER'S NEPHEW'S COUSIN'S FORMER ROOMMATE (to borrow a line from Mel Brooks' "SPACEBALLS"). Use any divination methods you like, although "Miss Cleo" has died, so she must be contacted through a seance.
2b. Artificial Intelligence is SPECIFICALLY PERMITTED.
3. You may not edit your predictions once you post them. See rule #4.
4. Make as many predictions as you want. Give opposing predictions anytime you feel like it, in honor of “Ron’s Law of Commotion”. The wilder the predictions the better.
4b. Reposting predictions from previous years is permitted, but discouraged. Honestly, because Scientology is collapsing faster than our wildest predictions, there shouldn't be any need to repost any prior predictions, right?
5. I will not be judging “winners” since I am too lazy, and aren’t we all winners for leaving Ron’s bridge to nowhere, or for being a never-in?
6. After you make your predictions, please check back next year to see how many came true. If you wish to check previous years' predictions, here they are (note, there appear to be no predictions for 2012 or 2019):

2026 Scientology Predictions

2025 Scientology Predictions

2024 Scientology Predictions

2023 Scientology Predictions

2022 Scientology Predictions

2021 Scientology Predictions

2020 Scientology Predictions

2018 Scientology Predictions

2017 Scientology Predictions

2016 Scientology Predictions

2015 Scientology Predictions

2014 Scientology Predictions

2013 Scientology Predictions

2011 Scientology Predictions

So dust off your crystal balls, divining rods, OUIJA boards, Tarot decks and whatever else you use, and let's make some predictions for the new year! Remember, the wilder the better !!!

And, remember, to borrow a quote from Youtube content creator Konstantin Samoilov, there is no such absurdity that cannot be recognized in the mad circus that is today's Russia Scientology.

 

[Alex P. Keaton]

In an effort to maintain his commercial appeal, John Travolta will audition for some TV commercials for "The Skull Shaver" mens grooming device. While on a trip to L. Ron Hubbard Way in Los Angeles to conduct his usual protest of Scientology management's abuses, Aaron Smith-Levin will be spotted by a talent agent who sees Aaron as perfect for some commercial work.

Aaron will attend these same auditions for "The Skull Shaver" men's grooming device, not realizing that John Travolta has already arrived. When they meet, John will immediately approach Aaron and politely insist that Aaron "has it all wrong about Scientology" and that Scientology is "not all bad". Aaron will break from his usual genial self and suggest to John that the "space cooties" are what made Travolta go bald. Travolta will ask if Aaron's space cooties are what made Aaron go bald. Travolta will suggest that Aaron "couldn't make it in Scientology" and that's why Aaron left. Aaron will, at this point, out of frustration, leave the audition.

Travolta will beat out the others and get the role in a series of commercials for this shaver. Sales of "The Skull Shaver" will go up 47X !

 

[Alex P. Keaton]

In 2027, many of the scenes for "Days of Thunder 2" will be filmed on Clearwater Beach. Tom Cruise, who has shrunk with advancing age, will need to sit on two copies of "DMSMH" (one under each buttock) to see over the dashboard of his race car.

At one point, Aaron Smith-Levin will wear a disguise and sneak onto the movie set. He will STEAL Tom's Dianetics books right out of his dressing room. When Tom's handlers discover the books are missing, they will immediately substitute "Way to Happiness" booklets underneath Tom's "golden buttocks". The next driving scene they film is ruined when Tom shifts his weight in his race car in the middle of a scene and causes a BLIZZARD of booklets to fly out of the cockpit. Non-Scientologists behind the camera (lights, microphones, camera people, wardrobe, catering staff) will burst out laughing. David "Cuss Punch Kick Slap" Miscavige will start cussing, punching, kicking and slapping them. This will result in settlements with large damage awards and gag orders.

After that, David "Cuss Punch Kick Slap" Miscavige will do what he always does, DRINK MORE SCOTCH.

 

[Alex P. Keaton]

In 2027, one of the scenes from "Days of Thunder 2" will involve a dinner meeting at a rooftop cafe. Tom Cruise's character must to be persuaded to get behind the wheel of a race car once again, after all these years. Right in the middle of a wonderful, expensive dinner, with music wafting from the piano bar near the dining area, something falls into the camera frame and onto Tom's plate. Or maybe onto his head. My crystal ball is not certain which.

The director immediately yells "CUT!" and an effort is made to discover what this mystery object is and where it came from. After a cursory examination, the "mystery object" is discovered to be John Travolta's old hairpiece. Clearwater Police Detectives will perform the sophisticated forensic task of examining the underside of the hairpiece, and find a tag proclaiming "PROPERTY OF J. TRAVOLTA". The same toupee last seen in our 2021 Scientology Predictions.

After David "Cuss Punch Kick Slap" Miscavige makes a few phone calls, he will enlist the help of the Clearwater Police, Florida Highway Patrol, the FBI, the FAA and the US Space Force to learn who is the SP who caused this "MAJOR SECURITY THREAT" to one of America's Major National Security Assets (aka "Top Gun Tommy", who is ESSENTIAL for national morale). After much effort, it is determined that the toupee was dropped from a drone by Leah Remini, who just wanted to make "Top Gun Tommy" look bad. When it is discovered that Leah did not have an FAA license for her drone, David "Cuss Punch Kick Slap" Miscavige will RELENTLESSLY badger prosecutors to file MAJOR FELONY charges against Leah. He will also DRINK MORE SCOTCH.

Come on, people, let's get more predictions up. The wilder, the better !

 

[I M Dex]

(1) Leah Remini hosts a daily talk show hosting a panel of Tom Cruise's ex-wives, titled "Don't be glib with me".
(2) David Miscavige runs a series of donation fund drive events to fund artificially building a series of small commemorative islands across the pacific ocean to commemorate the path where "L Ron Hubbard drifted across the ocean on a raft, blind and wounded to suffer for our sins".
(3) The next reincarnation of L Ron Hubbard will arise and announce himself, but will not immediately quit his job at a 7-Eleven. A small but dedicated group of followers will send Slurpie sales through the roof, but he will be fired when police discover 3 other employees bound and gagged in the storage room.
(4) At the next New Year's event at Flag, David Miscavige will announce the discovery of an original LRH HCOB stating that The Bridge should be run over and over again from bottom to top to make it to full OT. The bulletin's title being, "Times Gone Over = You're Getting Closer, Trust Me, I Really Mean it This Time". He will go on to explain that he personally ferreted out that the current senior case supervisor international was suppressing the release of the HCOB and will be outed as an agent of the marcabs.