TOP SUPER-STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY (PART V)

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

PART II: The Modern Science of Ruin Handling

1967 - 2021

AUDITOR
Today we are going to locate and erase the
single thing that is causing all your problems.
Close your eyes and find the Body Thetan
that is ruining your life.

PRECLEAR
As far as I can recall I didn't receive any BTs
during my lifetime. Or even pre-natal.
I can't find or see anything.

AUDITOR
What about before pre-natal like the time XENU
implanted you with BTs 75 million years ago?

PRECLEAR
(looks in vain)
. . .same problem. I can't find or see anything.

AUDITOR
Eureka! That's it! Keep repeating the words
"I can't find or see anything"

PRECLEAR
Why should I do that?

AUDITOR
Hey, that's why you can't recall the BT implant
that is ruining your life. Because during
that implant someone must have said the
words "I can't find or see anything".

PRECLEAR
I don't know. That sounds stupid and
this auditing is costing me a fortune!
And don't even dare tell me to repeat
those words that "it's stupid and
costing me a fortune"!

AUDITOR
We don't do that any more. We now handle
natter by simply routing the Preclear to ethics
to write up their crimes and do an amends project
to make up the damage for trying to sabotage mankind's
only hope of ever escaping from the MEST trap.

PRECLEAR
Which MEST trap are you referring to?

AUDITOR
The MEST trap where evil power-mad beings evaluate for you by
implanting you with fake wholetrack incidents, ludicrous lies,
manufactured memories, ridiculous ruins
and fugazi phenomena.

PRECLEAR
That's weird. I can't tell if you are
talking about Xenu or Scientology.



.

​

 

[ILove2Lurk]

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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And isn't there a squirrel Scientology org in Israel?

.

Scientology tech applied standardly works 100% of the time.​

​

If Clears & OTs are not being produced, then the tech is being squirreled. ​

​

Therefore, 100% of Scientology orgs are squirrel 100% of the time.​

​

​

PRO TIP: All squirrels are SPs who need to be relentlessly attacked, shattered and destroyed. This finally explains why Scientologists are constantly declaring, attacking & Fair Gaming each other.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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Scientology tech applied standardly works 100% of the time.​

If Clears & OTs are not being produced, then the tech is being squirreled. ​

Therefore, 100% of Scientology orgs are squirrel 100% of the time.​

​

PRO TIP: All squirrels are SPs who need to be relentlessly attacked, shattered and destroyed. This finally explains why Scientologists are constantly declaring, attacking & Fair Gaming each other..

.
I'll admit, at first I thought that was a rather amusing comment. But moments later, I came to realize that it's the essential and core punchline to the joke that is Scientology.

After all, Scientologists needs to blame someone for nobody going Clear/OT after 71 miserably failed years of trying.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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The most fascinating thing about Scientology is trying to figure out why Scientologists don't compare L. Ron Hubbard's metaphysically mindblowing & miraculous CLAIMS with the dull, drab & disappointing RESULTS.

Example: Scientology claims to endow Scientologists with the ability to "EXTERIORIZE" with full perception. This has been a fundamental promise and guarantee to all Scientology's paying customers since the very early 1950s.​

Results: After 71 years, nobody could exteriorize with full perception. They cannot exteriorize with any perception. Then simply cannot exteriorize at all.​

Consolation Prize: Although Scientologists utterly fail (after decades and many hundreds of thousands of dollars) to attain the exterior state, they do however gain certain abilities. For example, they can recite the definition of "exterior" for you on demand. They can also pass a star-rate checkout on the subject of exteriorization. They can even clay demo it. And if required they can show you "exterior" with several paperclips and used batteries that Scientologists carry around for such occasions. They can perform any task and pass any test on the subject of exteriorization--except doing it.​

​

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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QUESTION: How do Scientology's omniscient & omnipotent gurus (Hubbard & Miscavige) get away with guaranteeing the MIRACLE but only delivering the MUNDANE?

ANSWER: By using a clever rhetorical gimmick called "ATTESTING"

HOW IT WORKS: When the Scientologist has completed some major process, rundown or level (which purportedly delivers a miraculous power) the cult member is invited to "go to the Examiner". This is a very thrilling and validative event for true believers, because the "case supervisor" now believes that the Preclear has achieved the full "end phenomena", just as Dr. Hubbard guaranteed would happen!

EXAMPLE: The preclear finishes some rundown which guarantees that they will be "exterior with full perception and able to maintain it".

​

​

However, the Examiner does not examine whether the person attesting "has gone exterior" at all.​

​

They don't ask or require them to exteriorize and demonstrate (prove) they are exterior with a simple test, such as walking behind them and holding up a playing card and asking them to name it.​

​

The preclear and examiner both have dedicated their entire lives to this achievement. But yet when it (exteriorization) purportedly happens, neither wants to talk about it.​

​

Instead, the Examiner just asks them: "Do you have any doubts or reservations about attesting that your exteriorization (process, level, et al) is complete?"​

​

Get it? They are asking them about their FEELINGS about it, not whether they can DO it. If they didn't obediently perform their scripted roleplaying dialogue in that way, this is what would happen:​

​

EXAMINER​

So, the case supervisor invited you here to see if you have​

attained the end phenomena of the Exteriorization Rundown.​

So, how do you feel about it?​

​

PC​

I feel absolutely fantastic about it!!!!!!!!!!!​

​

EXAMINER​

Okay then, let's proceed to the next part of the exam.​

Please demonstrate to me how you can go exterior.​

​

PC​

What do you mean by that?​

​

EXAMINER​

Well, to attest to this level you need to prove that​

you are stably exterior with full perception.​

​

PC​

I thought i did prove it when I said I feel absolutely​

fantastic about the level.​

​

EXAMINER​

Well, that's great, but to prove you achieved the​

state of exterior, we just need you to prove​

you are exterior. Like right now. Just turn your​

chair around so you are facing the opposite way​

and I'll write down a big number on your worksheets.​

Just go exterior and read the number aloud. If you​

can go exterior that will be super simple, since I am​

only sitting 3 feet away from you. I mean I am not​

asking you to go to Moscow and read the nuclear​

bomb launch codes or anything crazy, right?​

​

PC​

Oh, you need me to actually go exterior?​

Well, I can't do that at all.​

​

EXAMINER​

Okay, that ends the exam then. I am afraid​

you will need to buy more auditing hours​

and then we can examine you again in the​

future when you gain the ability to exteriorize.​

​

PC​

Jeez. That's disappointing. So, does that mean​

that I won't be getting one of those​

jumbo completion certificates?​

​

EXAMINER​

I am afraid not.​

​

PC​

Would it be possible to at least get like a little completion​

certificate that says I feel really good about​

exteriorization even thought I can't do it?​

​

EXAMINER​

Sorry.​

​

PC​

But that test is so hard. I mean, does​

anyone ever past that test?​

​

EXAMINER​

Nope. Nobody's ever passed that test.​

​

PC​

So what is the point then? If nobody can go​

exterior after spending fortunes,​

isn't that like--fraud?​

​

EXAMIINER​

No, not at all! That's why I am routing you to​

go see the Registrar who has some amazing news​

about Ron's latest breakthrough and a brand new​

Rundown that totally handles the being's resistance​

and counter-intention to going totally exterior!​

​

​

​

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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DANCING DIANETICISTS - PART I

cross-posted from another thread that linked
to a hilarious video and article on The Underground Bunker
- - -
​

Excerpt: Scientology is always hunting around for new themes to use in its fundraising, from Star Wars to The Last Samurai. And we didn’t think it could get more on-the-nose than Caribbean pirates and 30’s gangsters asking for your dough. Hand over yer booty, me lovelies! But the folks in Chicago have really come through, and with an Ideal Org grand opening only weeks away (we think). In their latest gambit, to get folks amped up for a big fundraising event this weekend, they’ve hit on some Windy City gold: Jake and Elwood Blues!~~~READ MORE

Scientology hits on the perfect theme for its Chicago fundraising: Blues Brothers! | The Underground Bunker

tonyortega.org

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This is how Clears & OTs impress each other. . .

This is how they convince each other to donate tens of
millions of dollars to buy a new "IDEAL" building. . .

Because in their "EXISTING" building, they cannot
"Clear the Planet". All they can do in their current
building is wear costumes and dance for dollars.

However, if you give them more money today, they
can salvage this sector of the universe, save your "ETERNITY"
and also throw in some extra free magical powers for no extra cost!

But they cannot do any of these miracles if they only have
wood or linoleum floors. The tech only works if auditing is done
on Italian marble floors. That's why mankind desperately
is counting on you to start dancing & donating too!

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

DANCING DIANETICISTS - PART II.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE SEEN SCIENTOLOGY STAFF
MEMBERS DANCING FOR DOLLARS
​

You are probably still sitting motionless in your chair, staring at your computer screen with a
slack-jawed frozen disbelieving zombie expression on your face.

​

And you are probably wondering:

WHY THE HELL ARE DUMB DANCING DIANETICISTS
JUMPING AROUND LIKE LAME IDIOTS?
​

And the answer to that question can be discovered simply by asking any Scientologist why. That's when they will look at you grinning with blink-less certainty and say:

"Because they are in 'GAMES' on the tone scale!"
​

That is considered a normal, rational and sane answer by Scientologists.

Don't you wish that YOU were at 22 on the Tone Scale?!

.​

 

[PirateAndBum]

22 on the tone scale? Hmm, I think you've misplaced a decimal point, try 2.2

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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DANCING DIANETICISTS - PART III

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If you are reading this thread, you have probably seen quite a number of other videos taken at Scientology Fundraising events--where Scientologists wore dorky costumes while they furiously role-played with tone 40 "insouciance" and the "spirit of play"!

They might have been dressed up as pirates or bums or whatever beingness they needed to assume, in order to make it go right to get you to make it go right to donate.

All these marvelous technical breakthroughs have not been given proper recognition in all the books and charts and scales of Scientology. Thus I propose the new and improved (upper tier) of a super-expanded tone scale!

40.0 - Serenity of Beingness​

39.9 - Cleared Planet​

39.8 - Cleared Checks​

31.2 - Postulate Checks​

30.0 - Postulates​

23.0 - Flowing Power Uplines​

22.0 - Games​

21.9 - Cringey Clownery​

21.8 - Desperately Dorky Dancing​

21.5 - Causative Costumes​

21.2 - Mimicking Movies​

21.1 - Imaginary Insouciance​

20.0 - Action​

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

Originally posted by Veda
I think think the earliest "pc" was Sara. . .

.
I checked the worksheets from Ron's personal sessions and want to correct the record:

AUDITOR: Thanks for telling me about your first Clear-- John McMasters. Is there an earlier similar PC?​

​

RON: Well, let's see...John Campbell was my very first PC.​

​

AUDITOR: Thank you. Is there an earlier similar first PC?​

​

RON: Nope, like I said Campbell was the first PC.​

​

AUDITOR: That's still reading. Take a look. What was that....that....that?​

​

RON: Oh, it's nothing--I just thought of someone I knew named Sara.​

​

AUDITOR: Yes I know her, she was your 2nd wife. I was there at your very first public demonstration of Dianetics when you beat her unconscious, and then tried to run out the engram. Wouldn't that make her your first PC?​

​

RON: Oh, in that case, I never had a first PC.*​

/
* [LINK]: What happened to your second wife?” an interviewer once asked Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. He was referring to Sara Northrup, the woman who’d been at Hubbard’s side while he developed Dianetics and who later divorced him in a messy, public scandal. The whole world had watched their divorce fill the headlines of every paper. But still, when the question came, Hubbard just smirked and told the interviewer: “I never had a second wife.”

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[Riddick]

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QUESTION: How do Scientology's omniscient & omnipotent gurus (Hubbard & Miscavige) get away with guaranteeing the MIRACLE but only delivering the MUNDANE?

ANSWER: By using a clever rhetorical gimmick called "ATTESTING"

HOW IT WORKS: When the Scientologist has completed some major process, rundown or level (which purportedly delivers a miraculous power) the cult member is invited to "go to the Examiner". This is a very thrilling and validative event for true believers, because the "case supervisor" now believes that the Preclear has achieved the full "end phenomena", just as Dr. Hubbard guaranteed would happen!

EXAMPLE: The preclear finishes some rundown which guarantees that they will be "exterior with full perception and able to maintain it".

​

​

However, the Examiner does not examine whether the person attesting "has gone exterior" at all.​

​

They don't ask or require them to exteriorize and demonstrate (prove) they are exterior with a simple test, such as walking behind them and holding up a playing card and asking them to name it.​

​

The preclear and examiner both have dedicated their entire lives to this achievement. But yet when it (exteriorization) purportedly happens, neither wants to talk about it.​

​

Instead, the Examiner just asks them: "Do you have any doubts or reservations about attesting that your exteriorization (process, level, et al) is complete?"​

​

Get it? They are asking them about their FEELINGS about it, not whether they can DO it. If they didn't obediently perform their scripted roleplaying dialogue in that way, this is what would happen:​

​

​

EXAMINER​

So, the case supervisor invited you here to see if you have​

attained the end phenomena of the Exteriorization Rundown.​

So, how do you feel about it?​

​

PC​

I feel absolutely fantastic about it!!!!!!!!!!!​

​

EXAMINER​

Okay then, let's proceed to the next part of the exam.​

Please demonstrate to me how you can go exterior.​

​

PC​

What do you mean by that?​

​

EXAMINER​

Well, to attest to this level you need to prove that​

you are stably exterior with full perception.​

​

PC​

I thought i did prove it when I said I feel absolutely​

fantastic about the level.​

​

EXAMINER​

Well, that's great, but to prove you achieved the​

state of exterior, we just need you to prove​

you are exterior. Like right now. Just turn your​

chair around so you are facing the opposite way​

and I'll write down a big number on your worksheets.​

Just go exterior and read the number aloud. If you​

can go exterior that will be super simple, since I am​

only sitting 3 feet away from you. I mean I am not​

asking you to go to Moscow and read the nuclear​

bomb launch codes or anything crazy, right?​

​

PC​

Oh, you need me to actually go exterior?​

Well, I can't do that at all.​

​

EXAMINER​

Okay, that ends the exam then. I am afraid​

you will need to buy more auditing hours​

and then we can examine you again in the​

future when you gain the ability to exteriorize.​

​

PC​

Jeez. That's disappointing. So, does that mean​

that I won't be getting one of those​

jumbo completion certificates?​

​

EXAMINER​

I am afraid not.​

​

PC​

Would it be possible to at least get like a little completion​

certificate that says I feel really good about​

exteriorization even thought I can't do it?​

​

EXAMINER​

Sorry.​

​

PC​

But that test is so hard. I mean, does​

anyone ever past that test?​

​

EXAMINER​

Nope. Nobody's ever passed that test.​

​

PC​

So what is the point then? If nobody can go​

exterior after spending fortunes,​

isn't that like--fraud?​

​

EXAMIINER​

No, not at all! That's why I am routing you to​

go see the Registrar who has some amazing news​

about Ron's latest breakthrough and a brand new​

Rundown that totally handles the being's resistance​

and counter-intention to going totally exterior!​

​

​

​

​

I'm waiting for the day when a scientologist who has done the whole bridge to total freedom( at least up to OT8) and all the L's and trained fully doing the OEC's, FEBC's, CLass 8 Course, etc, a doctorate of scientology, is on his/her death bed, and the examiner will ask who you will be and return as a baby, what will be your name? How do we know?

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

I'm waiting for the day when a scientologist who has done the whole bridge to total freedom( at least up to OT8) and all the L's and trained fully doing the OEC's, FEBC's, CLass 8 Course, etc, a doctorate of scientology, is on his/her death bed, and the examiner will ask who you will be and return as a baby, what will be your name? How do we know?

.
In fact there have been multiple events where the young babies of Scientologists did or said something startling that scientifically proved that they were previous-life OTs. A notable example follows:

OT SUCCESS STORY​

Our smallest child, Billy, was only 2 years old when he blew us away with some OT​

phenomena that we will never forget! It was Christmas time and we were asking each​

of our children what they were postulating that Santa Claus was going to bring them​

this year. Mostly they wanted new bikes or video games, but not little Billy.​

​

When it was his turn, he looked at his loving mom and dad with perfect blink-less TRs​

and said: "Tell Santa all I want is some graph paper and a clipboard, so in case ​

your GI stat crashes I can slam ethics in on your downstat asses!" ​

​

We could only smile to ourselves, beaming pride and the knowingness that our little​

Billy was a returning Sea Org member who was still on purpose and dedicated to​

clearing mankind, on this planet! . - Mr. & Mrs. Blowdown​

​

​

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

​

​

​

"What is Scientology? Scientology is the science of knowing how to know!"
-L. Ron Hubbard​

​

Scientology Paradox #1: "The knowing-how-to-know Paradox"

How it works: Every single auditing, training and Scientology activity is solely dedicated to
helping the being "know how to know". Then, gradiently, cognition by cognition this continues
until they have achieved total knowingness about all things in life and the universe.

How it actually works: Every single time a Scientologist's knowingness increases too much
(to where they cognite that Scientology is a hoax) they are immediately routed to the spiritual
guide called a "registrar" in order to be given a new and substantially higher tech estimate. Or,
alternatively, to the "ethics officer" to be slammed into lower conditions and/or declared SP.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

"The goal of Scientology auditing & training is Total Freedom!"
-L. Ron Hubbard​

Scientology Paradox #2: "The Total Freedom Paradox"

How it works: Every single auditing, training and Scientology activity is solely dedicated
to helping the being achieve "Total Freedom".

How it actually works: Total Freedom enables a being to BE, DO and HAVE every possible thing they could ever wish for, postulate or even dream of! *

.


* Certain restrictions and/or cancellation of Total Freedom may apply if the being elects to utilize any portions of their Total Freedom in an unethical fashion, including but not limited to: Having or voicing illegal cognitions in session, reading forbidden books, having non-standard thoughts between sessions, viewing downtone materials on the internet, speaking to former Scientologists, doing unauthorized research which contradicts Ron's infallible scientific discoveries, taking personal time for 1st or 2nd dynamic activities without prior written approval on a duly presented petition or CSW, asking other Scientologists if they can demonstrate any basic Scientology fundamental like "postulates" or "exteriorization", using any of their freedom to refuse command channel orders to continue paying for and doing the Bridge, freely expressing the criminal lie that (after attesting to Clear and all the OT levels) they never attained any of the abilities or supernatural powers that they do in fact have, et al.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

EVER WONDER HOW TOP OF THE BRIDGE OT VIIIs USE THEIR
MIRACULOUS POSTULATE SUPERPOWERS
TO BECOME & REMAIN AT TOTAL CAUSE OVER LIFE?

- - ESMB discussion thread LINKED here​

original article on MIKE RINDER'S BLOG ​

BREAKING NEWS! "Word in from Cincinnati Ideal Org Staffers: Long time, married several time, bat shit crazy,​

kool aid guzzling Scientologist, Jeanie Sonenfild, OTVIII and Executive Director of the Ideal Org located in Kentucky, is in the RPF AGAIN along with her son Connor Sonenfild. . ." ​

​

​

After reading all that super-weirdness I wanted to see what this Sonenfild OT VIII looked like in case I might recognize her from decades ago. While surfing around a bit on Google Images, I noticed this glossy promo piece she did in 2016 which is now literally dripping in ironic and perplexing paradoxes, LOL.

THEY KNOW THE "SECRET" OF HOW TO
"JUST THINK OF SOMETHING
AND IT MAGICALLY HAPPENS"

This fully explains why Ideal Scientologists who
have attained OT 8 and are in power on 8 dynamics
really have to exercise extreme caution with all their
new magical, supernatural and miraculous powers!

Because if you "just think" of anything it will instantly
happen! This is pretty obviously how Jeanie ended up back
on the RPF again. It was probably just something as
simple as Jeanie (the Ideal Org's Exec Director) gazing
out her office window and noticing a crew of filthy
gardeners digging around in the dirt, and
pausing a fraction of a second to think:

"Jeez, I wonder what it would feel like if I ever lost my magical postulate
powers and ended up like those dirty DB criminals I sent to the RFP!"


That's all it takes and then....POOOF!
(OMG, suddenly you are in the RFP!!!)

I don't know about you, but when she gets out of the RPF in
a few years, I'm going to be the first to sign up for her new seminar--

"HOW TO AVOID THINKING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
SO YOU DON'T GO THE EFFECT OF YOUR OWN
SUPER-MIRACULOUS POSTULATES!"


.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.
THE POWER OF POSTULATES (Part II):

The following is a glowing success story photo op, from the Church
of Scientology's monthly RPF publicity rag, called "REHAB! Mag"

I haven't been able to find that particular issue of "REHAB! Mag". However,
the photo also appears in wikipedia under "Rehabilitation Project Force"

.

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

THE POWER OF POSTULATES (PART III):

It is sacred scripture that RPF prisoners are not allowed to speak to the public
or even to other staff members, unless they are on the RPF command channel.

However. . . all three (3) of these RPFers miraculously responded to some survey
questions when Don Hubbard (see avatar) rented a snazzy admirals's costume from a Hollywood
wardrobe rental company and paid extra to adorn it with World War II medals. I don't know,
perhaps they assumed he had something to do with the upper command channel.

ADMIRAL DON
Hello! How are you RPF DBs doing today?!

ALL THREE RPFers
(springing to attention and shouting)
Sir, we are VGI's, sir!!!

ADMIRAL DON
Well, we're doing a survey today in order to
boom the RPF stats by getting all DBs
on this planet into the RPF! It's just a
survey question so that others can
see what huge wins you are having.
Okay, you first. "What is life like
being on the RPF?!"

RPF #1
Sir, the RPF gives you all the tools you need, sir!

RPF #2
Sir, the RPF gives you all the tools you need, sir!

ADMIRAL DON
Jesus! Can't you people think of a single original thought?
We need sexy quotes that make people want to route onto the RPF!
How about you over there. How is life all day on the RFP?

RPF #3
Sir, all day I am "digging it", sir!


.
​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

THE POWER OF POSTULATES - (PART IV):

AFTER THE ABOVE SURVEY IS COMPLETED AND SCIENTOLOGY'S INTERNATIONAL
HEADQUARTERS CREATES THE BRILLIANT NEW PROMO PIECE THAT WILL CONVINCE
1 BILLION DBs TO ABANDON THEIR LIFE AND ROUTE ONTO THE EXCITING RPF!

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.
In celebration of the 2000th post of this 5th CHAPTER of the "TOP SUPER STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY" thread*, Don Hubbard has elected to post (at no extra charge!) two concise summaries of Scientological phenomena.

SCIENTOLOGY IN ONE WORD: "HelluvaHoax!" (yup, that's how the name was originally derived)​

​

SCIENTOLOGISTS IN ONE SENTENCE: Trust nothing they say, nothing they write and nothing they do; and when they "accidentally" bump into you in a crowded market and apologetically say 'excuse me!'--just ignore them and swiftly move away, because they are professional liars, thieves and also polished pickpockets.​

​

​

​

* total number of posts on all 5 parts of this thread to date is 13,123​

​

.​