TOP SUPER-STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY (PART V)

[HelluvaHoax!]

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from the archive of
APOSTATES' ANOMALOUS AXIOMS

"Even a broken cult is right twice a century"
​

posted by stratty:
"We have 'Ideal Orgs', but they are EMPTY apparently."

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Finally--the cult is right about something. . .

Because, paradoxically, that actually IS ideal!
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[HelluvaHoax!]

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from another thread: posted by enthetan
Why did people train?​

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ANSWER: Aesthetic reasons. To improve conditions on that slightly creepy wall in your living room that only contains a single jumbo photographic portrait of a mentally ill conman in a naval costume. Training allows one to populate and balance out the wall with other similarly framed pieces known as Completion Certificates.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

stratty said:
I didn't learn the tech to help my friends and family, I learned the tech so that I could become as auditor and help Ron clear the planet. And he said becoming an auditor was a sure fire way to understanding what it was all about and becoming OT.

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Exactly!

Dr. Hubbard stated (not merely said) that: "ONE HALF OF THE GAINS FROM SCIENTOLOGY COME FROM TRAINING".

The other half of the gains come from blowing Scientology, wherein one instantaneously gains enormous quantities of time, freedom & cash flow.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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The Secret Of Scientology's Sacredly Self-Serving Scripture
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POLICY: All auditors must purchase their own personal e-meter.

POLICY: All auditors having purchased their own personal e-meter, must then purchase their own personal second e-meter.

This type of policy is threaded throughout the "church's" marketing schemes. For sake of another example the lavishly expensive "COURSE BOOKS" for the Key To LIfe Course must be purchased by each person personally. And they are highly confidential! Even if you have a spouse, relative or friend who completed the course and offered use of their books---you are not allowed to do that! It's a crime. And just for fun, there is nothing whatsoever "confidential" in the books---you wouldn't notice any difference between those "top secret" books and any illustrated text book used in a 3rd grade classroom.

HOW DO "THE WORLD'S MOST ETHICAL PEOPLE" EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE BEING FORCED TO PURCHASE ANOTHER LAVISHLY EXPENSIVE E-METER IF YOU JUST PLUNKED DOWN SEVERAL THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR A BRAND NEW ONE?

SCIENTOLOGY SALESMAN
That's obvious. Let's say you are auditing someone on a
horrific engram chain and they are 838 trillion years down
the time track, in a horrific implant and your e-meter horrifically
stops working. Well, my friend, your PC is possibly going to
go insane or die. Your only chance to save them is if you have
a stand-by meter ready to go. Can you see now how it
would be a high crime if you allowed your PC to
lose their mind or their lives because of
you being an evil cheapskate
who doesn't care about
them at all?
​

The number of times in Scientology's 70 year history that an e-meter stopped working while a pc was in a precariously dangerous situation is zero.

The number of times in Scientology's 70 year history that an e-meter stopped working where the auditor could not have very easily (and simply) borrowed an extra emeter from one of the other auditors, staff members or students is zero.

The number of times in Scientology's 70 year history when someone who bought a 2ND e-meter actually needed it is zero.

If Scientology ever cleared and conquered the world, all businesses would be running this same policy:

CUSTOMER
Well, I really like the red convertible over there. But I can't
afford the 678 dollar a month payments.

CAR SALESMAN
If i can extend the financing for you to 12 years and reduce the
monthly payments to under 500 dollars, will you buy it?

CUSTOMER
Um...well.. it's really still more than I can afford but OKAY!

CAR SALESMAN
Sign right here. . .
Sold! Congratulations!

CUSTOMER
Wow, I feel so happy to finally get my dream car!
Can I have the keys now, I can't wait to drive it!

CAR SALESMAN
Not so fast, you haven't told me yet what color you
want for your 2nd convertible. And we have to have
you sign the financing contract for the 2nd one too.

CUSTOMER
Whattttt??

CAR SALESMAN
Yeah, what if you are driving in the mountains on a rainy
night and suddenly your car engine dies and you are stranded
and now it's snowing and the temperature is below freezing
and you've only got a few hours left to live before you freeze
to death. That's why you need a 2nd car.

CUSTOMER
But if i bought a second car, it would not be in the mountain
near where my first car got stuck.

CAR SALESMAN
Yes, I get that. Well just sign here and you can read all about t hat
in the owner's manual. Listen, you gotta trust me
on this, we are doing this for your own safety!

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​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

;

KSW KOOLAID KOAN du jour

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY TRIED
TO FAIR GAME PEOPLE EXPOSING FAIR GAME?​

I saw some great news on another thread today. Leah Remini and Mike Rinder's brilliant hit show "THE AFTERMATH" continues as a Podcast, in order to expose the cult's most vicious terror gimmick---FAIR GAME.

CLICK HERE FOR LINK TO THREAD
AND LEAH'S VIDEO ANNOUNCEMENT
​

Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to ask the "World's Most Dedicated Scientology" for an explanation to all of this very troubling material.

HELLUVAHOAX
Thanks for agreeing to this interview. There is a new
whistleblowing podcast just starting that will expose
the policy of Fair Game. Any thoughts about that?

TOM CRUISE
That's a lie. There is no Fair Game policy!
It doesn't exist!

HELLUVAHOAX
(hands him Hubbard policies)
Here you go. Right there it says you are supposed
to lie about Fair Game. So, of course you lied about
Fair Game and said it doesn't exist.

TOM CRUISE
It's all lies. We don't trick and sue either.

HELLUVAHOAX
How about this policy...
(hands him another LRH policy)
that one says "ALWAYS ATTACK!"

TOM CRUISE
Scientologists never attack. We are all about love
and understanding. I would never attack anyone
who doesn't like Scientology.

HELLUVAHOAX
What if I can prove it to you in the next 60 seconds?
What if I can prove that Scientology terrorizes
and attacks anyone who disagrees with them?

TOM CRUISE
More lies! I would never
never, never, ever attack anyone!

HELLUVAHOAX
Hey Tom, did I mention that
I don't like Scientology?

TOM CRUISE
(instantly jumps to his feet and begins purple faced screaming)
Some people, well if they don't like Scientology,
when then...Fuck You! Really! FUCK YOU!!! Period!

HELLUVAHOAX
Thank. you for compellingly proving my point.​

Notes:
- - A number of long-standing links to the Rolling Stone interview with that verbatim quote (above) seem to have disappeared.
- - Link to the quote in: The Guardian's article -"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
- - Verbatim quote is: "Some people, well if they don't like Scientology, when then...Fuck You! Really! FUCK YOU!!! Period!" - Tom Cruise

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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THE ESSENTIAL VALUE PROPOSITION IN SCIENTOLOGY
"EXCHANGE IN ABUNDANCE"


EVERY TIME YOU GIVE RON 1 HE GIVES YOU BACK 2

YOU GIVE RON 1 PIECE OF PAPER. A CHECK FOR $600,000.
THEN RON GIVES YOU BACK 2 PIECES OF PAPER.
A COMPLETION CERTIFICATE
AND A RECEIPT

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[HelluvaHoax!]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Harden Long said:
Hubbard seems to be tirelessly conditioning the reader to believe that exteriorization is an automatic result of Scientology processing whereas those who spent decades trying to achieve that state would tell you that it is not.

From page 18: "long experience that one never changes the process just because somebody compulsively exteriorizes. S-C -S is probably more susceptible to compulsive exteriorization than any other single process, and as it is run pre-clears fly into their heads and out of them at a great rate and eventually get to a state quite ordinarily where they can move into the head or out of the head at will."

All part of the hypnosis, if you read it enough it becomes a certainty, "number of times through equals certainty". Yet B.S. it remained..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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YES!

Millions upon millions of words dedicated to the goal of Scientology- - -

To rehabilitate beings so that they can easily exteriorize and "operate" outside the body. This, Hubbard guarantees is:

-- quite simple and routinely achieved​

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-- empowering a being with supernatural powers (e.g. healing, immortality, et al) ​

The truth turned out to be that exteriorization was in fact:

-- quite simply never achieved​

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-- degrading a being to indoctrinate them that only DBs cannot exteriorize ​

Hubbard simply made up millions of words to support the lie that he had mastered exteriorization. It is a matter of hard historical fact that Hubbard, his wife and all his followers could not exteriorize. Hubbard even bragged in his 1950s books that half the human race could easily exteriorize simply by saying these magical words to them: "BE 3 FEET IN BACK OF YOUR HEAD".

50% did not exteriorize. 100% did not exteriorize. Scientologist nonetheless continued to attempt other auditing levels to go exterior, but only succeeded in being 3 decades in back of unpaid credit card bills.

As with all miraculous powers in Scientology-----Scientologists can define the word "exteriorize". They can use it in sentences. They can move around some batteries and paper clips to show you how it works. Then can also clay demo it for you. They are extraordinarily able to do all these things. They just are not able to exteriorize.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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"Scientology is mankind's only hope.
Our goal is a world without war,
a world without criminality &
a world without insanity."
- LRH​

Wow, that sounds truly amazing! But how can we realistically achieve such a beautifully IDEAL world?

We should ask an expert! Since Ron is no longer here to advise us, let's ask the person who knew him best--his twin brother L. Don Hubbard (see avatar).

Don, can you please help us? If we want to help make Ron's dream a reality, what should we do exactly?

"In order to achieve Ron's goal of a world without
war, insanity & criminality, we must first
achieve a world without Scientology."
- LDH​

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
posted on another thread by VEDA:
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Every successful confidence man knows that telling some truth, and extending some actual help, is what, often, persuades the mark (victim) to take the next step.
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Re: confidence men.

Scientologists aspire to attain a level of spiritual mastery that Hubbard described as Knowingness---or, within the promotional materials celebrated as "Total Certainty".

One wonders from what miraculously mystical source could such complete certainty & confidence possibly be derived?!

Scientologist = Total Certainty!

Confidence Men (Commodore/COB) = Total Confidence!

Flip sides of the same shiny hoax.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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SERIOUSLY?

1. IS THAT A REAL CLEAR?

2. IS THAT A FAKE ACTRESS
PRETENDING TO BE CLEAR?

3. IS THAT WHOLE AD FAKE?
​

ANSWERS:
1. No, that's not a real Clear.
2. No, that's not a fake actress--it's a real actress (pretending to be Clear)
3. Yes, the whole ad is fake. Someone--possibly Don Hubbard (see avatar) just made up the whole thing.
4. So it's fake, someone made it up--so what? Someone just made up Scientology too.

Promotional advertisement above was provided pursuant to a generous grant from the Church of Hoaxology.

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

SCIENTOLOGY PROMO AXIOMS


Promo must always first focus on THE PAST that you need to audit out.
The past---like engrams, implants and 75 million year old aliens.
Promo must always then emphasize THE PRESENT that is full of joy.
The present---like present time! Like laughter! Like total freedom and total happiness!

Promo must never discuss or reveal THE FUTURE that is full of bad stuff.
Bad stuff--like really bad future ruins that only Scientology can help you avoid.

- - -

SCIENTOLOGY REGISTRAR
Congratulations on going Clear! I read your success story
and you are really really really happy for the first time in your life!

CLEAR
Yessssss! And when I went Clear I suddenly had total
certainty that I would be happy forever !

SCIENTOLOGY REGISTRAR
Well, that's amazing! But, you know
Ron states that you are only Clear
on the 1st Dynamic. So there is
still a lot to handle ahead of
you on the Bridge to OT.

CLEAR
Sure, I know that. And maybe one day I'll
look into those OT levels, but when I do
I'll still be totally happy, because as a
Clear my happiness is totally
stable and eternal!

SCIENTOLOGY REGISTRAR
Well, that's not exactly technically correct.
You see, Ron also states that as a Clear you
are in grave danger of going insane and dying.
You only "feel" happy but you are not really
happy. Nobody can be really happy until
they do OT III. If you don't sign up for
that immediately you are going to
start suffering more and you are
going to feel horrible--much
worse than the day you
first joined Scientology.

CLEAR
OMG, so I am actually worse now
than when I was a WOG before
I even heard of Dianetics
and Clear?

REGISTRAR
Yes, I am afraid so. But we can handle
all of that right now. All you need to
do is sign off on your CC.

CLEAR
But I just finished my Clearing Course!

REGISTRAR
No, I mean just sign off on this
Charge Card receipt I just ran for you.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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OT VIII FAQ:

1. IS THE STATE OF OT VIII REAL?
2. IS THERE ANY SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OT VIIIs HAVE SPECIAL POWERS?
3. CAN OT VIIIs REALLY DO MIRACLES?
4. CAN ANYONE GO OT VIII? ARE THERE ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS?
5. IS THERE ANY PRACTICAL VALUE OF OT VIII?

​

1. IS THE STATE OF OT VIII REAL?
Yes. The Church of Scientology would not just hand out a priceless OT VIII completion certificates to just anyone. Paper, ink, glass and a wood frame are extremely expensive which is why auditing prices are so high--just to break even. After the org lays out the $5 for the materiels there is nothing left over, which explains why staff often go hungry or their teeth fall out from lack of dental care.

2. IS THERE ANY SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OT VIIIs HAVE SPECIAL POWERS?
Yes. The power of Cognition Dissonance. It's remarkably similar to Cognitive Dissonance, except that in Scientology when you start becoming dissociatively delusional, people give you jumbo medallions and applaud.

3. CAN OT VIIIs REALLY DO MIRACLES?
Yes, it's extremely commonplace. The practice of performing miracles, however, is generally frowned upon--because it tends to slow or impede one's progress on the Bridge to Total Freedom. An exhaustive scientific study was undertaken to determine why so few OT VIIIs continued their next Bridge action and the common denominator was that they were too blown out from huge wins and thus had persistent F/Ns and could not be audited. 98% of the wins involved finding a parking space which is why the COS has closed all Ideal Orgs' parking lots and switched to paid valet parking.

4. CAN ANYONE GO OT VIII? ARE THERE ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS?
The upper grade chart has recently been streamlined with all arbitraries removed. Thus, today the only requirement to route onto OT VIII is a paid invoice and the ability to hold up a forty inch framed certificate.

5. IS THERE ANY PRACTICAL VALUE OF OT VIII?
Yes. The certificate can help bring a modest degree of aesthetic balance to the wall in one's home that only has one awkwardly solitary piece of art on it--the photo of a severely mentally ill con man in a naval costume.

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[Churchill]

^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Dotey OT]

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OT VIII FAQ:

1. IS THE STATE OF OT VIII REAL?
2. IS THERE ANY SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OT VIIIs HAVE SPECIAL POWERS?
3. CAN OT VIIIs REALLY DO MIRACLES?
4. CAN ANYONE GO OT VIII? ARE THERE ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS?
5. IS THERE ANY PRACTICAL VALUE OF OT VIII?

​

1. IS THE STATE OF OT VIII REAL?
Yes. The Church of Scientology would not just hand out a priceless OT VIII completion to just anyone.

2. IS THERE ANY SCIENTIFIC PROOF THAT OT VIIIs HAVE SPECIAL POWERS?
Yes. The power of Cognition Dissonance. It's remarkably similar to Cognitive Dissonance, except that in Scientology when you start becoming dissociatively delusional, people give you jumbo medallions and applaud.

3. CAN OT VIIIs REALLY DO MIRACLES?
Yes, it's extremely commonplace. The practice of performing miracles, however, is generally frowned upon--because it tends to slow or impede one's progress on the Bridge to Total Freedom. An exhaustive scientific study was undertaken to determine why so few OT VIIIs continued their next Bridge action and the common denominator was that they were too blown out from huge wins and thus had persistent F/Ns and could not be audited. 98% of the wins involved finding a parking space which is why the COS has closed all Ideal Orgs' parking lots and switched to paid valet parking.

4. CAN ANYONE GO OT VIII? ARE THERE ANY SPECIAL REQUIREMENTS?
The upper grade chart has recently been streamlined with all arbitraries removed. Thus, today the only requirement to route onto OT VIII is a paid invoice and the ability to hold up a forty inch framed certificate.

5. IS THERE ANY PRACTICAL VALUE OF OT VIII?
Yes. The certificate can help bring a modest degree of aesthetic balance to the wall in one's home that only has one awkwardly solitary piece of art on it--the photo of a severely mentally ill con man in a naval costume.

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I was so awestruck by this, I had to say Well Done Sir!!! Nailed it!

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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SCIENTOLOGY HAS THE ANSWER & SOLUTION TO
EVERY CONCEIVABLE HUMAN CONDITION & PROBLEM

We have set up a panel of top experts on Ron's Tech, who will be able to 100% solve anyone's ruin
if your request is picked from the tens of millions of queries we get from bogged beings in the COS


- - - - - - OUR EXPERT PANEL - - - - - -

BILLY BLOWDOWN
Ideal Scientologist

L. DON HUBBARD
(see avatar)

COMMANDER EX


SEND POWER-PANEL YOUR PRESENT TIME PREDICAMENT!
Free Introductory Miracles
​

QUESTION: I've been in Scientology 42 years but never went exterior. Am I doing something wrong?

PANEL'S ADVICE: Most frequently the reason for failure to exteriorize is a misunderstood word. Even when the being has used a demo kit, they often still do not fully understand the concept. We would advise you to get rid of whatever old batteries and paper clips you have been using and buy one of our STANDARD DEMO KITS that includes the kind of batteries and paper clips Ron originally intended you to have. The demo tech is very effective but it can also be dangerous if not applied correctly. For example, one of the clients we provide consulting to was trying to study at home and was very badly burned when they used an old car battery and dozed off, tipping it over. That's why it's best to play it safe and let our experts help guide you through the hazardous selection process.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

VIP BRIEFING TO READERS: Don Hubbard (see avatar and rare solo OT XXIX session photo below) has made yet another astonishing breakthrough on the tech. Previously Don's scientific discoveries were celebrated worldwide by both prestigious research institutions and NASA! However, Don's pioneering work has risen above science into the spiritual and even cosmic realms. Therefore, Don has declared that Hobonetics has officially become a religion and henceforth shall be referred to as the Church of Hobonetics. As such the expert panel of consultants that are here to handle your unresolved case shall now be provided by a newly formed corporate entity as--

REVERENDS' RECTORY OF RELIGIOUS RUIN RESOLUTION, INC.

- - - OUR POWER PANEL - - -

​

...............................................................................Reverend L. Don Hubbard......................................Reverend Billy Blowdown...........................Reverend Commander Ex

SEND POWER-PANEL YOUR PRESENT TIME PREDICAMENT!
Free Introductory Miracles
​

QUESTION: Hi, I wrote to you a couple weeks ago and purchased the DELUXE DEMO KIT which set me back $399.00. I followed your advice and demo'd the word "EXTERIOR" quite a number of times. In fact since I am home with the quarantine, I demo'd for approximately 9 hours a day so at this point I have used my kit for over 60 hours on just that one word. But still no exterior. I know your religious panel is totally standard, but something seems just "off" somehow with my case. This is getting even more complicated because this money (May 2020) is the 70th anniversary of Ron's book DMSMH and all my friends and family are excited about going to the event where COB is going to give a play Ron's lecture ("EXTERIORIZATION IS SO EASY!") and I can't bear to attend. I mean everyone I know can go exterior and I am deeply ashamed and confused why I cannot do it! I am not going to the event and need an excuse---do you think it is greatest good to tell them that I think i have the CoronaVirus? I feel kind of desperate and psychotic so I am hoping you are not too busy to get back to me soon. I am really postulating that the Power-Panel can give me a good r-factor!


ANSWER: The Power-Panel researched your question and we made another unprecedented discovery! It seems that many people have a lot of charge on not being able to go exterior but careful review of their worksheets and meter reactions proves that they DID in fact go exterior---but they simply were not aware of it at the time. This is why we feel it is urgent for you to come in to our new IDEAL CHURCH OF HOBONETICS and sign up for the "Exteriorization Certainty Rundown". It is tech that handles YOU THE BEING and people on the rundown are going exterior left and right. Just this morning, a 5 year old little girl on the rundown went exterior during session and traveled to MACS0647 which is 13.26 billion light years away from our planet.That's not like even a galaxy that is even close to our Milky Way, so it's extremely impressive that she was able to do this without gradients where should would travel to galaxies only a billion light year away to begin with ! Thus, our panel has concluded that logically if a 5 year old can do that, you can too!


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[Karen#1]

I just had to share this one on the Stupid thread because I know HH will enjoy it.

Peter Niyiri shared on Outer Banks.


Peter Nyiri

Here's an anecdote that happened a few years ago in the Mecca of Technical Perfection, where a comma out of place is a crime.
In Scientology there are no accidental goofs, errors or mistakes. There are only crimes, high crimes and suppressive acts.
Can you believe it that there was a public paying pc that was so upset by his auditor trying to pull his withholds that he actually pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 right in the middle of a session.

911 responded.

You can imagine the flap this caused...

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

I just had to share this one on the Stupid thread because I know HH will enjoy it.

Peter Niyiri shared shared on Outer Banks.


Peter Nyiri

Here's an anecdote that happened a few years ago in the Mecca of Technical Perfection, where a comma out of place is a crime.
In Scientology there are no accidental goofs, errors or mistakes. There are only crimes, high crimes and suppressive acts.
Can you believe it that there was a public paying pc that was so upset by his auditor trying to pull his withholds that he actually pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 right in the middle of a session.

911 responded.

You can imagine the flap this caused...

LOL!

Hard to imagine that even happening! If that's really true, the STUPID THREAD pays big bucks for the rights to reprint such cringey madness, lol.

It actually reminded me of something not nearly as cringey, but quite respectably cringey. When I was a little teenie just starting Scientology, there was a joke going around. This is kind of remarkable in itself because (as I later found out) there are no jokes in Scientology. Jokes are suppressive. Jokes are evil! Jokes are a High Crime. Jokes are told by Jokers (and Degraders) who are sent to this slave planet in order to sabotage Ron's dream of a Clear planet. Jokes prevent beings from escaping the MEST universe trap. Jokes are what makes the Earth a slave planet! Jokes are the devious degraded destructively diabolical designs of psychiatrists to crush big beings down into manageable-sized DBs.

So, for all these scientific reasons, jokes are even worse than gorilla goal implants and 75 million year old dead aliens together----and their combined effects driving up your tech estimate!

Okay, now I think this briefing can safely move to the next phase. The joke!

Keep in mind that when I heard my first (and possibly ONLY) Scientology joke I did not laugh. I think the Scientologists gathered to hear it were nodding with knowing knowingness. I am still not sure how it qualifies as a "joke" since there is no punchline.

Okay, let's get to it. You might want to turn off your phones and stop drinking any liquids because this joke produces mindblowing line charging and you will not be able to take any calls for a while until the waves of laughter begin to subside:

THE ONLY SCIENTOLOGY JOKE I EVER HEARD IN SCIENTOLOGY

A woman hears some very unusual sounds from her backyard and looks out
the window and there are flashing lights and a flying saucer landing. A portal
opens up and some ALIENS slowly emerge. She freaks out and calls the police.

WOMAN
OMG there is a UFO and there are aliens in my back yard!
Hurry, send someone quick because the aliens have
landed and they are here on earth!

POLICEMAN
Thank you. I've got that.
​

No, I am not making this up.

This joke was not only hilarious but it also produced high-toned theta wins. Upon people hearing the punchline they blew charge. Their space felt calm. The punchline indicated.

So, once the tone 40 punchline was unleashed, the Scientologists listening to the joke didn't laugh, but they reacted. I am not sure if they actually said this aloud or just thought it so intensely that I could hear them thinking the words "Thank you, I've got that". They were not musing over the punch line, they were actually were just standardly reacting to a standard joke.

I am still cringing about this punchline. I feel somehow that I owe mankind an amends project to make up the damage for allowing someone to tell that joke without screaming "That's so fucking stupid!" while smashing a cream pie in their face. This seems to me like a correct ethics gradient.

You can see by my reaction that I blew Scientology before auditing out all my evil purposes.

PRO TIP: Because this "JOKE INCIDENT" occurred so long ago, it has now fallen into public domain. Thus, there are no restrictive copyright issues and you are free to use this joke as an ice-breaker at your next dinner party or business presentation.

JOKE HOTLINE: For anyone who did not duplicate ("get") the joke, there is a confidential hotline you can call to be given an r-factor. All calls are thankfully anonymous so you do not have the humiliation of admitting that your knowingness was not high enough to perceive the punchline. Call toll free at: 1-800-726-5653 (1-800-SCN-JOKE)

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​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

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FREE BONUS CRINGE!

Now that you have been briefed on "SCIENTOLOGY'S MOST HILARIOUS JOKE", there is one more thing.

I truly believe what I am about to say is 100% true:
.

IF L. RON HUBBARD OR DAVID MISCAVIGE OR TOM CRUISE OR ANY SUPER
SCIENTOLOGY VIP OR CELEBRITY WERE TO GIVE A SPEECH AT A HUGE
INTERNATIONAL EVENT---AND THEY TOLD THE SCIENTOLOGY JOKE,
THE MANY THOUSANDS IN ATTENDANCE WOULD JOYFULLY AND
KNOWINGLY LAUGH WHEN THEY HEARD THE POWER
PUNCHLINE AND THE POLICEMAN SAID:
"THANK YOU I GOT THAT!"
​

If any readers are able to successfully clay demo WHY that would happen, please let us know.

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[HelluvaHoax!]

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A masochistic request. . .

Have any readers ever heard another "Scientology Joke"? Feel free to post it!

ps: Ever notice that despite 70 years of desperate celebrity recruitment, Scientology has never ever once gotten a successful COMEDIAN onto the Bridge. You'll notice the qualifier "successful" as in people actually laughed at their jokes so he/she got paid for it.

pps: If any major COMEDIAN was ever on the Bridge his/her life expectancy would be approximately one joke. Ask Jerry Seinfeld. Can anyone imagine any mainstream comedian that ever lived (e.g. Chris Rock, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Dave Chapelle, Bill Burr, Sebastian Maniscalco, Kevin Hart, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Joe Rogan, et al) becoming a Scientologist and being called into ETHICS because a Scientologist wrote a KR on one of their jokes?

ETHICS OFFICER
I have a KR on you about a joke you told on your
podcast with Leah Remini.

JOE ROGAN
Really? Why a KR? It wasn't funny?

ETHICS OFFICER
No. It was funny.

JOE ROGAN
So? If it made people laugh why
is that out ethics?

ETHICS OFFICER
Because the people laughing were not
on a paid invoice in a standard auditing session.

JOE ROGAN
So how does that work? People are only
allowed to laugh at the end of an auditing process?

ETHICS OFFICER
No, you are getting all carried away because
Ron never said that. There are other times it's
perfectly okay to laugh outside session--like
if 100 psychiatrists were killed in a plane crash.
​

Sorry, i know that is a crazed and dark punchline. It just sort of organically popped up and begged me to type it, so I complied. Well, that's what happens when an SP is given a keyboard and there are no ethics officers, goldenrod paper and mimeo machines around.

However, I would bet almost anything that if I were hired as COB's joke writer, I could easily fashion an acceptable joke incorporating that same punchline ("100 psychs killed in a plane crash") that Scientologists at an event would laugh at. And I am not joking about that, lol.

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.​