I Give Up

[Helena Handbasket]

Time and time again I've tried to improve the quality of my life by doing this, that, and the other. And time and time again I've failed.

I've had it. My life has been too many problems for too few rewards. I GIVE UP. And please do not flood me with sunshiney optimistic replies encouraging me to not give up or to "ungiveup". My life will never be substantially better so why go through the effort? Lately I've been spending whole days watching YouTube -- maybe I should just do that from now on and not work towards a better life anymore.

I live a SULFUR lifestyle -- Stressed, Unhappy, Lonely, Frustrated, Unfulfilled, and Rejected. It's about as much fun as it sounds. In particular, I'm lonely and rejected -- if I do try to form a closer (platonic) relationship with someone, after about 2 months they begin to hate me. It's gotten to the point where I hold back because I don't want to get to the point of being ghosted (what Hannah Green called in her book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, "the surprise of the inevitable"). Usually I never find out what I did to incur such wrath, or if they do tell me, it's an answer that doesn't make any sense.

I have no charisma. There are certain signals that one gives off that create charisma, like turning towards the person speaking and doing NOTHING else while they talk. I'm capable of multitasking; of listening to someone while making notes or picking up something I dropped. What infuriates me is when they stop talking "waiting for me to finish". I don't want people to wait for me to finish -- I want them to just continue talking. "Waiting for me to finish", circling back, or starting over just spoils my multitasking. Sometimes I have to keep asking people what comes after [the last thing they said]. And yes, I do understand and retain what was said.

People talk about their misspent youth -- my youth was excellent; I got a good education, graduated with high honors, and then a good job and an apartment of my own, with the promise of better things to come. It was only in my adult life that things started to fall apart.

I was never raised right. My mom never wanted to be a mother, my dad never wanted to be a father, and I didn't want to be there either. (I can't say what my 2 brothers thought.)

My father was a narcissistic violent type and a childbeater. My mother was neglectful, doing the absolute minimum in terms of contact with us. (She was a "loose woman" before she got married, and got in trouble, but that's a story for another time.)

My elder brother teased and annoyed me every single day of my life. He made up a nickname for me and soon had the entire neighborhood calling me that. He criticized my every move, and when he couldn't find anything to fault me for, he would just make up something. When you're disrespected every single day of your life, you begin to believe there really is something wrong with you.

Even my grandmother, rest her soul, did her part by twisting everything around to make it look like it was all my fault.

Together, they kept me in a state of continuous fight-or-flight mode, which I believed directly or indirectly caused my Asperger's Syndrome, sugar addiction, and Metabolic Syndrome.

Eventually, I grew up and moved out, something I couldn't wait to do. I went low-contact with the lot of them, not seeing them for up to 7 years at a time.

I've worked on several major projects to try to improve my quality of life and give me a sense of purpose:

PROJECT B: I joined a cult. (I really don't have to say which one, do I?)

PROJECT W: I moved to the other side of the country. (I think my family was glad I was going as far away as possible.) This worked out well.

PROJECT BETA: this was all about a relationship, definitely not platonic, that was going well while it was going. Then he suddenly died. I still miss him to this day.

PROJECT WFHGB: I started a science-fiction club chapter. We built up a membership and even published a magazine. But someone who didn't like me spread (untrue) rumors about me and destroyed the club and my reputation. Everybody in the club deserted me.

PROJECT KAPPA: this was another relationship, quite satisfying, but he died too.

PROJECT OCTOPUS' GARDEN: I took early ("fire") retirement, and moved with a friend to another state. She took advantage of me, extracting as much wealth from me as possible. (I'm just too ******* trusting.)

PROJECT SPAGHETTI BOWL: somehow I got the idea that I should start an org of my own and help make the world a better place. I partnered up with someone, whose name most of you would recognize, who also proceeded to steal from me as much as he could. I finally got out of that trap.

OPERATION SHOOT THE MOON: this was my move from the U.S.A. to Europe. This one actually worked out well. I could see the U.S.A. was headed in a bad direction, a notion confirmed with Trump's second term. I moved out, transferred my money to a European bank, and changed my citizenship. If I ever go back it will only be for a vacation/visit -- and even then I'll be afraid to get off the plane!

(Hitler cemented his power by targeting a defenseless, vulerable group, and now Trump is doing the same thing. But instead of Jews he's targeting transsexuals; demonizing them because he can.)

OPERATION WALKABOUT: same as Project Spaghetti Bowl but in Australia. Again I was mercilessly used. I demolished my entire life in Europe to move to Australia and had to come back with my tail between my legs. (If I ever do anything like that again I'll create my own movement and be it's Founder [like Werner Erhardt did]. I'll insist on being in full control, and anyone who doesn't like it can leave instead of asking me to leave.)

OPERATION CATASTROPHE: this project lived up to it's name -- it was all about adopting 2 cats, and giving them a home. But everything possible went wrong, and they recently died, too. I put a great deal of effort (and time and money) into this, and what am I left with? Nothing. I've had them for less than a year. I've been lonely and miserable all my life and it's now clear that that will never change (no arguing with me, please).

My life has been one disaster after another, particularly on the 2D. This song describes it well:

Why even bother? My elder brother, may he rest in peace, had it all figured out: life's a bitch and then you die. I can't see any other outcome at this point (again, no arguing).

I've been neglecting my health and personal hygiene. I've stopped taking most of my medications. My teeth hurt sometimes, but why go to the dentist if I'm just going to return to my SULFUR lifestyle when I'm done? Maybe I'll get cancer and die soon.

Or maybe I'll sign up for the suicide forum (bulletin board). (And I don't want to hear a lot of ******* "don't do its".)

My life is no longer worth living. It was barely worth living in the first place.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for letting me rant.

And that's why they call me

Helena Handbasket

 

[Zertel]

Rant accepted.

I had a lot of fun and good times in Scientology which got me started on spiritual questing if you want to call it that. I delved into a few short lived quests after scn but scn remains the best and most interesting to me. I'm not interested in pursuing any new quests at this time but maybe I'll experience "Instant Enlightenment" which some Zen Buddhist sects believe in. Here's hoping.

 

[PirateAndBum]

Sounds like you need to stop with the projects and operations.

Take walks, read some books that interest you.

 

[I M Dex]

Wow, I'm sorry for your having had the losses you've had. But I also see that you've had some successes, like those two relationships. I'm so sorry your partner passed, but the relationships more than worked, they were good. That's something many people struggle to have. One thing I've come to see, people seem to get stuck on "compatibilty" in terms of common interests, but by a mile, what matters most about a relationship is how you make each other feel, and you've had that. So that can happen again. And Europe works for you (and I see the political situation as you do). And no doubt you've accumulated some useful observations, principles and ways of approaching things from your spiritual pursuits. You are here and you're living, so you might as well build on the positives, take advantage of what does make being better.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Wow, I'm sorry for your having had the losses you've had. But I also see that you've had some successes, like those two relationships. I'm so sorry your partner passed, but the relationships more than worked, they were good. That's something many people struggle to have. One thing I've come to see, people seem to get stuck on "compatibilty" in terms of common interests, but by a mile, what matters most about a relationship is how you make each other feel, and you've had that. So that can happen again. And Europe works for you (and I see the political situation as you do). And no doubt you've accumulated some useful observations, principles and ways of approaching things from your spiritual pursuits. You are here and you're living, so you might as well build on the positives, take advantage of what does make being better.

ty

 

[Type4_PTS]

Lately I've been spending whole days watching YouTube -- maybe I should just do that from now on and not work towards a better life anymore.

Hi Helena,
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time.
If you watch a lot of YouTube videos, here's one for you.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

It sounds like you are in a totally dark room.

I don't have any wisdom because I know as much about the universe and God as an amoeba at the bottom of the ocean knows about what lies beyond the borders of the universe. Really. Maybe in a few hundred million or trillion years people will start to understand what the hell is really going on in this thing we call "reality".

I will say this however. . .

Even in a completely dark room there are still a few photons.

first visualized photon (in light)​

if you can find one or two of those (invisible-to-the-human-eye) specs of light, maybe try to follow it and see it
it leads you somewhere where some of the other photon buddies are hiding.

In my life, I learned something very odd. It's not in any books. The very very very worst moments in my life often became the very very best moments in retrospect. Many of the best things that ever happened in my life can easily be traced back to one of the absolute worst nightmares that preceded it.

It sucks to be in pain and suffering the way you describe...but what if the story ends later and you didn't get to the books last chapter yet? What if there is a surprise ending. . . . . . . . . .

I put a lot of faith in following the often infinitesimally tiny and unseeable clues or arrows that life offers to guide travelers. It's why I often wonder if CREATIVITY and GOD and LOVE are all the same non-physical thing... In my own experience, learning to trust the clues and stay on a path are the magic part life. That's the only thing i know really leads to a better place or result. . .

I hope you bump into a friendly photon or two. If you can, maybe stop and have a conversation with them and see if they have
any advice or "tips" where more light is.

Sending love!
(from the "other HH" lol)


..

 

[The_Fixer]

I'm sorry also to hear of your position.

Sounds to me like you have an unhealthy dose of CPTSD from your abusive upbringing. Also sounds like your brother had it too. People can manifest similar conditions in a variety of ways.

Mix that in with Asperger's (which they don't really diagnose any more, just on the autistic spectrum) and it becomes a mix that interferes with everything you attempt to do. Children on the spectrum are more susceptible to abuse by their parent(s) than usual.

CPTSD rarely gets better by itself. If fact, let untreated the condition usually continues to deteriorate, depending upon your circumstances.

No rosy picture until you decide to do something about getting a handle on it, which I really hope you do.

I'm not a mental health professional, but I do suggest you find a good one to work with. Probably easier said than done though.

I suppose if you're bust scratching away at the floor down the bottom, maybe the only way left to go us upwards.

All the best to you, I hope you find your way to a better place.

I've attached a little article about autism and PTSD if you want to read it. I have no idea what you already know, but I hope it helps.

Having Asperger’s Syndrome with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder | CPTSDfoundation.org

cptsdfoundation.org

 

[I told you I was trouble]

Time and time again I've tried to improve the quality of my life by doing this, that, and the other. And time and time again I've failed.

I've had it. My life has been too many problems for too few rewards. I GIVE UP. And please do not flood me with sunshiney optimistic replies encouraging me to not give up or to "ungiveup". My life will never be substantially better so why go through the effort? Lately I've been spending whole days watching YouTube -- maybe I should just do that from now on and not work towards a better life anymore.

I live a SULFUR lifestyle -- Stressed, Unhappy, Lonely, Frustrated, Unfulfilled, and Rejected. It's about as much fun as it sounds. In particular, I'm lonely and rejected -- if I do try to form a closer (platonic) relationship with someone, after about 2 months they begin to hate me. It's gotten to the point where I hold back because I don't want to get to the point of being ghosted (what Hannah Green called in her book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden, "the surprise of the inevitable"). Usually I never find out what I did to incur such wrath, or if they do tell me, it's an answer that doesn't make any sense.

I have no charisma. There are certain signals that one gives off that create charisma, like turning towards the person speaking and doing NOTHING else while they talk. I'm capable of multitasking; of listening to someone while making notes or picking up something I dropped. What infuriates me is when they stop talking "waiting for me to finish". I don't want people to wait for me to finish -- I want them to just continue talking. "Waiting for me to finish", circling back, or starting over just spoils my multitasking. Sometimes I have to keep asking people what comes after [the last thing they said]. And yes, I do understand and retain what was said.

People talk about their misspent youth -- my youth was excellent; I got a good education, graduated with high honors, and then a good job and an apartment of my own, with the promise of better things to come. It was only in my adult life that things started to fall apart.

I was never raised right. My mom never wanted to be a mother, my dad never wanted to be a father, and I didn't want to be there either. (I can't say what my 2 brothers thought.)

My father was a narcissistic violent type and a childbeater. My mother was neglectful, doing the absolute minimum in terms of contact with us. (She was a "loose woman" before she got married, and got in trouble, but that's a story for another time.)

My elder brother teased and annoyed me every single day of my life. He made up a nickname for me and soon had the entire neighborhood calling me that. He criticized my every move, and when he couldn't find anything to fault me for, he would just make up something. When you're disrespected every single day of your life, you begin to believe there really is something wrong with you.

Even my grandmother, rest her soul, did her part by twisting everything around to make it look like it was all my fault.

Together, they kept me in a state of continuous fight-or-flight mode, which I believed directly or indirectly caused my Asperger's Syndrome, sugar addiction, and Metabolic Syndrome.

Eventually, I grew up and moved out, something I couldn't wait to do. I went low-contact with the lot of them, not seeing them for up to 7 years at a time.

I've worked on several major projects to try to improve my quality of life and give me a sense of purpose:

PROJECT B: I joined a cult. (I really don't have to say which one, do I?)

PROJECT W: I moved to the other side of the country. (I think my family was glad I was going as far away as possible.) This worked out well.

PROJECT BETA: this was all about a relationship, definitely not platonic, that was going well while it was going. Then he suddenly died. I still miss him to this day.

PROJECT WFHGB: I started a science-fiction club chapter. We built up a membership and even published a magazine. But someone who didn't like me spread (untrue) rumors about me and destroyed the club and my reputation. Everybody in the club deserted me.

PROJECT KAPPA: this was another relationship, quite satisfying, but he died too.

PROJECT OCTOPUS' GARDEN: I took early ("fire") retirement, and moved with a friend to another state. She took advantage of me, extracting as much wealth from me as possible. (I'm just too ******* trusting.)

PROJECT SPAGHETTI BOWL: somehow I got the idea that I should start an org of my own and help make the world a better place. I partnered up with someone, whose name most of you would recognize, who also proceeded to steal from me as much as he could. I finally got out of that trap.

OPERATION SHOOT THE MOON: this was my move from the U.S.A. to Europe. This one actually worked out well. I could see the U.S.A. was headed in a bad direction, a notion confirmed with Trump's second term. I moved out, transferred my money to a European bank, and changed my citizenship. If I ever go back it will only be for a vacation/visit -- and even then I'll be afraid to get off the plane!

(Hitler cemented his power by targeting a defenseless, vulerable group, and now Trump is doing the same thing. But instead of Jews he's targeting transsexuals; demonizing them because he can.)

OPERATION WALKABOUT: same as Project Spaghetti Bowl but in Australia. Again I was mercilessly used. I demolished my entire life in Europe to move to Australia and had to come back with my tail between my legs. (If I ever do anything like that again I'll create my own movement and be it's Founder [like Werner Erhardt did]. I'll insist on being in full control, and anyone who doesn't like it can leave instead of asking me to leave.)

OPERATION CATASTROPHE: this project lived up to it's name -- it was all about adopting 2 cats, and giving them a home. But everything possible went wrong, and they recently died, too. I put a great deal of effort (and time and money) into this, and what am I left with? Nothing. I've had them for less than a year. I've been lonely and miserable all my life and it's now clear that that will never change (no arguing with me, please).

My life has been one disaster after another, particularly on the 2D. This song describes it well:

Why even bother? My elder brother, may he rest in peace, had it all figured out: life's a bitch and then you die. I can't see any other outcome at this point (again, no arguing).

I've been neglecting my health and personal hygiene. I've stopped taking most of my medications. My teeth hurt sometimes, but why go to the dentist if I'm just going to return to my SULFUR lifestyle when I'm done? Maybe I'll get cancer and die soon.

Or maybe I'll sign up for the suicide forum (bulletin board). (And I don't want to hear a lot of ******* "don't do its".)

My life is no longer worth living. It was barely worth living in the first place.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for letting me rant.

And that's why they call me

Helena Handbasket

At your request I'm not going to flood you with "sunshiney optimistic replies" but I will say that you have not given up, not even close ... someone who has truly given up would be unlikely to write as you do, so get a grip, jump in the shower and go outside to walk and breathe the air deeply every day ... the next potential friend or companion you meet needs to be warned (by you) that you can be an absolute pain in the arse at times and you would appreciate it if they would tell you when you are being one and why, so you can choose to change (or not) and perhaps retain the friendship. Also, clean up and organise the mess you have mentioned living in (previous posts) do a section each day until it's done and then keep it looking good. The movement and exercise will really help after a few weeks and living in a nice, well cared for home will lift your spirits daily. Air the place and buy some flowers now and again too, instead of sugary junk.

The lovely people here seem to like you, and I don't like to see you struggling (again) either. I know you're not stupid so use your intelligence and make a serious plan to pull yourself together ASAP before it's really too late.

 

[The_Fixer]

At your request I'm not going to flood you with "sunshiney optimistic replies" but I will say that you have not given up, not even close ... someone who has truly given up would be unlikely to write as you do, so get a grip, jump in the shower and go outside to walk and breathe the air deeply every day ... the next potential friend or companion you meet needs to be warned (by you) that you can be an absolute pain in the arse at times and you would appreciate it if they would tell you when you are being one and why, so you can choose to change (or not) and perhaps retain the friendship. Also, clean up and organise the mess you have mentioned living in (previous posts) do a section each day until it's done and then keep it looking good. The movement and exercise will really help after a few weeks and living in a nice, well cared for home will lift your spirits daily. Air the place and buy some flowers now and again too, instead of sugary junk.

The lovely people here seem to like you, and I don't like to see you struggling (again) either. I know you're not stupid so use your intelligence and make a serious plan to pull yourself together ASAP before it's really too late.

It seems to be a good thing that you and your size 10 boot is on the other side of the Pacific, I reckon.... lol.

We all have our "times" and that's okay, but allowing them to take over too often becomes a bad habit and eventually morphs into a pathological problem.

As you say, a swift kick up the arse is sometimes quite useful. Helena is a smart lady and I hope she allows that aspect to reign.

 

[Alex P. Keaton]

I'm terribly sorry to hear of your distress. I'm having a bit of depression right now, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I had a good upbringing. But I have problems with family members. If I cannot make them see things my way, that's okay. But I cannot (a) make them see that my way is reasonable FOR ME and not hurting anyone, and (b) if you disagree, please leave me alone to live my life this way.

As for moving from the USA to Europe, then to Australia, and back to Europe, GOOD FOR YOU. Things are rather "negative" in the USA for years now, both inside my family and across the nation. You showed resolve, determination and the willingness to take a chance. Because you were willing to move, you showed the world a willingness to WORK to make things better. Most of us would stay in our own little towns and BE MISERABLE.

Speaking as a life-long male bachelor, for happiness at home, I suggest trying different cooking ideas. Europe often has GREAT food, and little things, like combining meats and vegetables in new ways or experimenting with SMALL amounts of spice (at first) can give you good food, happiness, low cost and easy cleanup.

Reading can be a good thing (I would avoid too much television). Are there parks or museums nearby where you can interact with people only slightly? Are there other venues with even more personal contact, like a community garden club or volunteering for a charity? Would it help you to know that people in the group care about you, and you care about them?

Please keep us posted.

 

[Irayam]

In my life, I learned something very odd. It's not in any books. The very very very worst moments in my life often became the very very best moments in retrospect. Many of the best things that ever happened in my life can easily be traced back to one of the absolute worst nightmares that preceded it.

This is also my experience. I've come to the conclusion that what keeps us going in life are the difficult moments. And so far, for me at least, these difficult moments have always been followed by positive evolution and a better life.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

This is also my experience. I've come to the conclusion that what keeps us going in life are the difficult moments. And so far, for me at least, these difficult moments have always been followed by positive evolution and a better life.

It happens so often that I pretty much concluded that the universe eventually balances & levels itself out. It's not really "karma" but it looks like it. For example, if a 1000 ton rock is dropped into a pond there's going to be some monstrous splashes, waves and (eventually) diminishing ripples---finally arriving at a perfectly calm glass-like surface. Not karma, just some kind of Newtonian law of motion or its derivative.

If the universe really does "level" itself, it makes me wonder if life and death itself follows that same kind of reversal. For example, what if reincarnation is actually true. Then the unspeakable grief and suffering from the death of a loved one would then to have a correspondent and opposite, no? This is where it gets very interesting. At the same moment a family is grieving and crying at a funeral, there is another family somewhere joyously celebrating the birth of their new baby.

Of course, I don't know if that example is true, but I find it fascinating. Devastating grief balanced by euphoric happiness. The fact that there is no scientific proof for my theory is of no consequence. This is why I encourage others to nonetheless join my cult and pay a half million dollars or more to move up thru the advanced levels at the Church of Hoaxology---where (based on my theories and wholetrack research) everyone will get magical powers and become a miraculously omnipotent God!

If for any reason anyone is not fully satisfied with the results of doing all these supernatural levels, you are entitled to a full refund! And best of all you can process the refund yourself (by using your newly acquired magical powers) to mock up twice the amount of money you donated and lost---and keep it as our Church's "exchange in abundance"!

Bon Voyage and I'll see you up the line!


..

 

[Dankmeme]

Thanks, Helena.

The Scientology UFO cult want you 'down' because that's how they control their present-day victims: they tell them all that they'll be miserable if the leave the cult. The opposite is true. (Surprise, surprise: Hubbard and his cult lied to you, again.)

Do what you want to do. A day of freedom is better than a decade in the Church of Fear.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Wow, I'm sorry for your having had the losses you've had. But I also see that you've had some successes, like those two relationships. I'm so sorry your partner passed, but the relationships more than worked, they were good. That's something many people struggle to have. One thing I've come to see, people seem to get stuck on "compatibilty" in terms of common interests, but by a mile, what matters most about a relationship is how you make each other feel, and you've had that. So that can happen again. And Europe works for you (and I see the political situation as you do). And no doubt you've accumulated some useful observations, principles and ways of approaching things from your spiritual pursuits. You are here and you're living, so you might as well build on the positives, take advantage of what does make being better.

(Emphasis mine above)

I don't want to appear contradictory, but Project Beta only lasted a year -- and just when it was starting to turn serious, bam, just like that, he was gone. I only had 3 dates with Kappa, then he died of heart failure or something, I never really found out. And even the cats were here for only 7 months -- and I'll never see them again. I didn't mention Asperger's Syndrome, but I have that too. I'm a total failure at anything social. With a side order of a few other syndromes.

I have had hundreds of hours of therapy and that has helped. If nothing else, I have risen in this life from 2 steps above catatonic to "merely" miserable and lonely.

I do have a current BF but he's become a grumpy old man. I know how to fix that, but I can't get him interested. Just tonight he said to put on the news and weather while he took a quick nap -- and then wake him when the news came on. I did, but he finally got up about 20 minutes after the show was over, yelling "Fuck, fuck, fuck". Mildly abusive, but I tolerate it for his sake, as long as he doesn't do it in front of visitors. Perhaps that was a mistake.

What he's exhibiting can be cured by hormone replacement therapy. I even found a book on the subject, in his own language, and gave it to him. But he doesn't seem to be interested. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm now considering selling my apartment and most of my stuff, and just living in small towns where the cost of living is low, eating mostly in restaurants or having meals delivered, and drawing away from a world that never really accepted me in the first place. The Japanese call it hikikomori, severe social confinement and withdrawal.

Helena Handbasket

 

[I M Dex]

(Emphasis mine above)

I don't want to appear contradictory, but Project Beta only lasted a year -- and just when it was starting to turn serious, bam, just like that, he was gone. I only had 3 dates with Kappa, then he died of heart failure or something, I never really found out. And even the cats were here for only 7 months -- and I'll never see them again. I didn't mention Asperger's Syndrome, but I have that too. I'm a total failure at anything social. With a side order of a few other syndromes.

I have had hundreds of hours of therapy and that has helped. If nothing else, I have risen in this life from 2 steps above catatonic to "merely" miserable and lonely.

I do have a current BF but he's become a grumpy old man. I know how to fix that, but I can't get him interested. Just tonight he said to put on the news and weather while he took a quick nap -- and then wake him when the news came on. I did, but he finally got up about 20 minutes after the show was over, yelling "Fuck, fuck, fuck". Mildly abusive, but I tolerate it for his sake, as long as he doesn't do it in front of visitors. Perhaps that was a mistake.

What he's exhibiting can be cured by hormone replacement therapy. I even found a book on the subject, in his own language, and gave it to him. But he doesn't seem to be interested. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I'm now considering selling my apartment and most of my stuff, and just living in small towns where the cost of living is low, eating mostly in restaurants or having meals delivered, and drawing away from a world that never really accepted me in the first place. The Japanese call it hikikomori, severe social confinement and withdrawal.

Helena Handbasket

Yikes, I am sorry to hear that. Several years ago, when I was in transition from a longterm relationship, having returned east from Cali, I spent a year in a "house share" with an "old buddy" whose presence had become overbearing, including having his choice of news channel running in the living room for hours on end, while he screamed profanities, among other ways he took up all the air in the house. And while I actually agree with his political leanings, his obsessiveness and shrillness was suffocating. And wow, he had to be the only one who was right, about virtually everything, no matter what, no matter how trivial or benign the subject was. Interestingly, he was on testosterone for a good while. That didn't cure anything. While I wouldn't wish that state of mind and way of being on anybody, let alone someone who had been a buddy for most of my life, but its nearly impossible to feel empathy for a person you have to defend your presence against. Its been several years, and I still take pleasure and relief in having exited that environment. Same for a relatively brief relationship that came soon after, when the feeling that I was somewhere I didn't belong set me on my way out of there.
I'm not talking about blame or fault, but sometimes it takes way too long before we are "ready" to bail out, and find peace and relief. There's the fear of being alone, and going through the trauma of the end of what you have and what you know, but a better situation can't emerge until you're out from under what you're in.
As to "grumpy old man", as I enter my own 70th decade, I recognize that emergence in myself, feeling like "get off my lawn guy" often, but I temper that with recognition, respect and consideration of the presence of others. To me, when someone gets in the habit of disregarding the effect they're foisting on who they're around, that crosses a line.

 

[The_Fixer]

I have had some conversations wit my own son who has a long list of catastrophically failed relationships. I keep telling him not to get romantically involved until his head is in a much better place.
1. It means those women do not get hurt (he isn't physical, but his meltdowns create enormous havoc around him).
2. These relationships end up being a trigger for him and
3. Those women aren't right for him. Not a criticism of them, but saying his choice methodology is flawed. He needs to be more aware to be able to make better choices.

He has some mental health issues, nothing much concretely diagnosed. My daughter and I think he is on the spectrum, but with some NPD thrown in for luck. He's nearly 40 now and we really don't talk anymore. I do keep in touch with his ex-wife who he shares a son with and we get along fine. She has a kind of no contact order out on him and I don't blame her. He hasn't seen his son in quite some time.

My feeling is that he will do himself in perhaps not in the very distant future and I am somewhat resigned to that. It's something I have zero control over. All I can do is to deal with the reality of the situation and be kind of prepared in myself for if/when it happens.

His key points are that he is aware of conditions and is only interested in manipulating others to get what he wants, but shouldn't always have. He receives regular therapy, but will not take enough on board about himself to want to make changes.

I have to ask you Helena if you are in this position of getting therapy, but not doing enough to make it work? No accusations here, just a question to ask yourself. When you're in a depressive state, it isn't easy to take a lot on board that could be helpful as you're usually too busy finding ways to sink deeper into it. Not you specifically, it was meant as a general thing that people do in that state. Eventually, you will find people moving on after a spell because they don't feel like they are doing anything helpful and they need to preserve their own state of mind.

As for your own partner/friend, you cannot fix somebody else's problem if they are not willing to participate themselves. You have to make your own decisions based upon that point. Sometimes it is easier to put up with other people's crap than to face the world on your own. Not easy choices for some.

Best of luck to you again.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

I M Dex said:

"I have to ask you Helena if you are in this position of getting therapy, but not doing enough to make it work?"

Having completed a big round of therapy some months ago, I felt I was in a position to, as they say, "have my wins" for a while. But just today I started thinking maybe it's time to contact her again and at least get a consultation.

Up to now, my focus has been on trying to push my way into society so I can function as a normal social being. I came to this city years ago, and joined not just one but two ladies' groups. I'm cordial to most of them, but only have 3 actual friends; my BF, someone who lives in my neighborhood, and a cousin in another country. (Although I also have some really good acquaintances, like most of the people on this forum.)

But lately I've been starting to think perhaps the opposite approach is better. To just step back from a world that never wanted me anyway, and stop pretending I can really be part of it someday. I hate being alone all the time, but maybe it's time to embrace it rather than try to escape it.

Helena Handbasket

 

[I M Dex]

I M Dex said:

"I have to ask you Helena if you are in this position of getting therapy, but not doing enough to make it work?"

Having completed a big round of therapy some months ago, I felt I was in a position to, as they say, "have my wins" for a while. But just today I started thinking maybe it's time to contact her again and at least get a consultation.

Up to now, my focus has been on trying to push my way into society so I can function as a normal social being. I came to this city years ago, and joined not just one but two ladies' groups. I'm cordial to most of them, but only have 3 actual friends; my BF, someone who lives in my neighborhood, and a cousin in another country. (Although I also have some really good acquaintances, like most of the people on this forum.)

But lately I've been starting to think perhaps the opposite approach is better. To just step back from a world that never wanted me anyway, and stop pretending I can really be part of it someday. I hate being alone all the time, but maybe it's time to embrace it rather than try to escape it.

Helena Handbasket

Helena, I wasn’t the one who asked you that question, that was someone else here. just to clarify.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Oops! I guess I meant The_Fixer. That just shows how messed up I'm feeling right now.

Helena