"Our records indicate David Gentile once requested services at Flag," Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion noted.
"However, David's OCA's scores were so abysmally low that he was not even remotely close to the caliber of what it takes to be a Flag public. Therefore, we routed him to the Tampa Org which is the dumping ground where we in Scientology send all of the remedial low-OCA no-case-gains who are located on the Eastern US Continent.
"David failed the Basics course at Tampa and was thereafter required to complete 5,000 hours of TR's at the Long Island Org which place is, we understand, an island -- a long, long island -- far east of New York which extends down towards Curacao.
"Apparently, Long Island is populated by really bad CPA's, aluminum siding salespeople, horrible chain restaurants like Olive Garden, and truly awful lawyers, i.e. the Ken Moxons of the world and so on.
"It is a land of abject failure and despair where the treacherous tides have been known to sweep out to sea entire villages of singlewide trailers populated by the aimless drug-addled retirees of a bygone era who still cling to the dream that Frank Sinatra will discover them singing during karaoke night at the Tiki Room in Gibson Beach.
"Nevertheless, David Gentile's $10 million in IAS donations are, per the contract he signed and which the IAS has on file in the Department of Valuable Documents, nonrefundable and we will not be giving any of that money back because of the aforementioned contract.
"In terms of David Gentile's IAS Super-Thetanopolis Trophy, we in RTC took possession of it last night to prevent it from falling into the hands of the FBI. This is fully legal as the IAS contract clearly states that IAS trophies are only given out as objects on loan from the IAS and do not belong to the recipient.
"An IAS trophy has the exact same value as the State of Clear or the OT Levels: All of these exalted statuses are presented as loaned contrivances and are subject to revocation and repossession by we in RTC at any time and for any reason. This is not arbitrary and capricious ecclesiastical whimsical cruelty as some claim. Rather, it is Scientology justice and ethics at work."