TOP SUPER-STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY (PART V)

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

EX SCIENTOLOGISTS'
BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB SELECTION
humbly tendered by the Bitter Defrocked Underground Artist, ILove2Lurk

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

NEW FEATURE ON THE STUPID THREAD

BEFORE & AFTER
Scientology Bait & Betray Gimmicks To Steal All Your Money & Time


BEFORE JOINING SCIENTOLOGY
"If you go Clear you'll be totally successful, free & happy!"

AFTER GOING CLEAR
"Now that you are Clear, you are at great risk because until you go OT III
you'll always be totally unsuccessful, trapped & miserable."



BEFORE JOINING STAFF
"You are an omniscient & omnipotent God with miraculous superpowers
and an elite big being who made it go right to find Scientology and
you are so able and ethical only you can help Ron and us save mankind!"

AFTER JOINING STAFF
"You are a low toned and degraded being who intentionally sabotaged
Ron's dream of a Clear planet because you are so spun into your
criminal evil purposes that you are destroying mankind's only hope--
unless of course you donate that inheritance you just got from
your dead wog grandmother which just happens to be the
exact amount we need to buy the rare Italian marble that
our new Ideal Org needs for its bathroom floors, which
will finally allow the tech to work, which it obviously
doesn't on our current linoleum floors"
​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

PULLING BACK THE CURTAIN
ON THE WIZARD OF CAUSE
(aka The Road to Toto Freedom)

​

The pathological liar L. Ron Hubbard claimed to be many things. A Scientist, a Doctor, a Philosopher, a Nuclear Scientist, a War Hero, Mankind's Greatest Friend, the Commodore, the Source, the Savior of mankind--and so much more. He even claimed that he was the fulfillment of a 2,500 year old prophesy by Buddha in the form of the Meteyya or future (modern day) Buddha--as detailed in his book "Hymn of Asia". Yes, Ron was "him" of Asia, the new and improved Buddha!

By default, the pathologically lying cult called Scientology also claimed to be many things: A Science, a Philosophy, a Religion, an Applied Religious Philosophy, a Self-Help Technology, and a Cosmic Key to Total Freedom, Total Knowingness, Total Freedom, Total Certainty, Total Happiness, Total Immortality, Total Prosperity and Totally Miraculous Miracles any time at all you simply decided to use your Preternatural Postulate Powers.

I suggest here that Hubbard and his cult were none of what they repeatedly claimed.

So then, what IS Scientology actually?

First and foremost it is a hoax. A miracles-for-money hoax.

But let me suggest it is simultaneously something else as well. Scientology is a psychological pandemic.

In psychology, the terms that most closely captures, defines and describes this type of virally propagating delusion are:

Mass psychogenic illness (MPI): Also called mass sociogenic illness, mass psychogenic disorder, epidemic hysteria, or mass hysteria, is "the rapid spread of illness signs and symptoms affecting members of a cohesive group, originating from a nervous system disturbance involving excitation, loss, or alteration of function, whereby physical complaints that are exhibited unconsciously have no corresponding organic aetiology".​

​

Mass Hysteria: In sociology and psychology, mass hysteria (also known as mass psychogenic illness, collective hysteria, group hysteria, or collective obsessional behavior) is a phenomenon that transmits collective illusions of threats, whether real or imaginary, through a population and society as a result of rumors and fear. In medicine, the term is used to describe the spontaneous manifestation—or production of chemicals in the body—of the same or similar hysterical physical symptoms by more than one person. A common type of mass hysteria occurs when a group of people believes that it is suffering from a similar disease or ailment,[5] sometimes referred to as mass psychogenic illness or epidemic hysteria.[6]​

​

Although over ten million descriptive/diagnostic words have been written by "Dr" Hubbard about the symptoms and "diseases" that plague mankind, there are really only five (5) basic and core illnesses (and their key symptoms) that Scientologists suffer from:

1. ENGRAMOSIS: A chronic anaten state causing one to join the COS (Church of Somnambulism).

2. BTOSIS: Hearing voices in your head telling you what to do and what to think, other than the voice of L. Ron Hubbard.

3. PTSOSIS: Rollercoastering--but not on a sacredly certified rollercoaster ride within the standard theme park called ScientologyLand.

4. IMPLANTOSIS: Being overwhelmed with false ideas forced into one's mind by use of an electronic device operated by evil beings, as opposed to being overwhelmed with false ideas forced into one's mind by use of an electronic device (e-meter) operated by ethical beings (Scientologists).

5. BLOWOSIS: Any sudden or acute lessening of attendance and/or attention that results in the being not donating.


ps: Scientologists do in fact "agree" and "dramatize" en mass in the ways showcased in innumerable famous historical examples of "Mass Hysteria". To wit, they are the unwitting victim of "......the spontaneous manifestation—of the same or similar hysterical physical symptoms by more than one person." Also present is the shared collective "fear' wherein "....a common type of mass hysteria occurs when a group of people believes that it is suffering from a similar disease or ailment". Do not Scientologists blinklessly believe and fear they are all suffering from pre-natal engrams AND quadrillion year old wholetrack 'psych' implants? Do they not fully agree and fear that they have been infected/infested with 75 million year old unconscious aliens?
.

​

 

[Dotey OT]

ANNOUNCING THE GREATEST, MOST SPECTACULAR EVENT KNOWN TO SCIENTOLOGY!!!



TOM CRUISE LIVE, FROM SPACE!!!
BE THERE AT THE RUTH ECKERD HALL WHEN COB INTRODUCES TOM CRUISE FROM SPACE!!

HEAR COB GIVE WINS FROM ALL OVER THE PLANET!!! EVEN FROM ABOVE THE PLANET!!! OR BELOW OR WHEREVER!!

SPECTACULAR!!!
STANDARD!!!
CERTAINTY!!!
DOWN COLD!!!

ALL THE ABOVE!!



GET THE STRAIGHT DOPE FROM A REAL MAJOR TOM!!!

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING???


​

 

[Dotey OT]

FOR ALL OF YOU SCIENTOLOGISTS IN AUSTRALIA, NEW ZEALAND AND SOUTH AFRICA,


GET THE STRAIGHT DOPE FROM A REAL MAJOR TOM!!!

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING???​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

​

..

GET THE STRAIGHT DOPE FROM A REAL MAJOR TOM!!!
WHO ARE YOU BRINGING???​

..
LOL!

This is Bridge Control to Major Tom​

You've really attested to the grades!​

And the papers want to know how you became so aware.​

Now it's time to exteriorize from your body if you dare.​

"This is Major Tom to Bridge Control​

I'm stepping up the Bridge​

And my needle's floating in a most peculiar way​

And the slave planet with all those DBs looks very different today"​

​

This is Ground Control to Major Tom​

You've really made the grade​

And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear​

Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare​

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control​

I'm stepping through the door​

And I'm floating in a most peculiar way​

And the stars look very different today​

​

​

.​

 

[Chuck J.]

Whoa! Is Giovanni Ribisi's dad (AL RIBISI) also out?

One wonders what it would take for the actor Giovanni to also have the "Blow Cog".

So many major OT CELEBRITIES are having it these days! The "Blow Cog" is confirmed when the celebrity:

1) Suddenly stops whatever they are doing and kind of freezes in place for the longest time with a slightly horrified "WTF" expression on their face, while thinking and/or voicing. "OMG was I just in an incredibly stupid cult?!!"​

​

2) Thereupon they must also voice the Blow Cog: "I just realized that I am mocking up my own stupidity!" ​

Like I say, sooner or later all OT CELEBS figure it out. Even Giovanni's friends and family!

Giovanni's former friend and Scn movie star JASON LEE
figured it out and shed his cult encumbrance!

Giovanni's former brother in law and Scn rock star BECK*
figured it out and shed his cult encumbrance!

Come on Giovanni, if Scientology is the technology
and science of "knowing how to know"
don't be the last to know!
​

* BECK-BLOW BRIEFING:
LINK TO HOLLYWOOD REPORTER ARTICLE

After declaring 15 years ago, "Yeah — I'm a Scientologist," the singer takes an abrupt turn away from the organization following a divorce from second-generation Scientologist Marissa Ribisi. Beck has disavowed himself from the Church of Scientology. The musician, 49, has long been one of the most high-profile stars associated with the organization — and has previously sung its praises on TV and in print interviews. But now, on the heels of his divorce last February from second-generation Scientologist Marissa Ribisi, Beck has changed his tune. In an interview with The Sydney Morning Herald promoting his new record Hyperspace, Beck clarified that he is not a church member nor does he subscribe to Scientology beliefs. “I think there’s a misconception that I am a Scientologist. I’m not a Scientologist. I don’t have any connection or affiliation with it," Beck told the Herald. He went on to theorize that because his father — Canadian composer David Campbell — has long been a Scientologist, he was assumed to be one, as well.

.

That guy Giovanni Ribisi is actually, in my opinion a pretty good / (almost great) actor. Which is surprising that $cientology didn't destroy whatever talent he has. If he drops the cult I think his career would pick up, he'd be offered more roles.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

That guy Giovanni Ribisi is actually, in my opinion a pretty good / (almost great) actor. Which is surprising that $cientology didn't destroy whatever talent he has. If he drops the cult I think his career would pick up, he'd be offered more roles.

.
I think he actually gets a lot of acting parts because the director and producers and studio and the completion bond company (insurance) absolutely LOVE having a Scientologist on the set!

Because, like hiring Mr. Cruise, Giovanni could set up a lunch table giving free "PINCH TESTS" and selling Dianetics books. And a huge plus is that any PTS cast/crew members won't lose production time by calling in sick. By way of example, if the movie's star unexpectedly came down with cancer during the filming, a trained Giovanni would be able to convert the stress test table to a touch assist table. Per Dr. Hubbard's advanced technology a few short touch assists will 100% cure cancer. If the problem was determined to be lung cancer Giovanni would simply have a production assistant bring out some cartons of cigarettes for the afflicted and to prescribe a much larger dosage to force the lung cancer to erase.


FREE PRO TIP BONUS: The two above "cancer cures" are in fact miracles that Scientologists invest decades studying as well as paying enormous sums of money to receive. One might conclude from this that Scientologists are entirely disrespectful towards medical science and the rigors of FDA approved oncological therapies, but that would be incorrect. Scientologists are extraordinarily respectful of people suffering from cancer. In fact, the Code of a Scientologist forbids regging people for Ron's cancer cures during funerals for cancer victims. However, this does not present any problem, because once people leave the funeral, Scientologists can simply call them on their mobile phones and reg them as they drive home.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

From time to time, I wonder if it's possible to reduce the "Scientology Experience" down to a very simple core equation. I have made many valiant attempts on ESMB over the past decade, but there's always room for improvement, lol.

Here is today's offering:

THE CYCLE OF SCIENTOLOGY

1. You have a life-threatening unsolvable ruin. We have miracles.

2. For some modest MEST money, we will sell you our miracles.
Pay us now or you will surely die and then suffer for eternity.

3. Congratulations on fully handling your ruin, by paying for and attesting
to [Grade 1, Grade II, Clear, et al]. Pay us now for your next level
ruin or you will surely die and then suffer for eternity.

4. Repeat steps 1-3. For eternity.
​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

From time to time, I wonder if it's possible to reduce the "Scientology Experience" down to a very simple core equation. I have made many valiant attempts on ESMB over the past decade, but there's always room for improvement, lol.

Here is today's offering:

THE CYCLE OF SCIENTOLOGY

1. You have a life-threatening unsolvable ruin. We have miracles.

2. For some modest MEST money, we will sell you our miracles.
Pay us now or you will surely die and then suffer for eternity.

3. Congratulations on paying for and attesting to [Grade 1, Grade II, Clear, et al]
Pay us now for your next level or you will surely die and then suffer for eternity.

4. Repeat steps 1-3. For eternity.
​

.
I am now wondering if the above "CYCLE OF SCIENTOLOGY" can be reduced to under 10 words. . .

"You're dying! Pay us for a miracle! Hurry! Faster!"

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.
The results of a worldwide survey has just come back!

We surveyed 10% of all the planet's 15M Scientologists and have tabulated all of the 1,500,000 questionnaires that were returned on the following question:

WHAT DO SCIENTOLOGISTS BELIEVE?
​

The #1 response to that question had to do with the greatest OT on this planet, David Miscavige.

They believe that a foul-mouthed, lying, violent thug who defrauds,
imprisons, beats up, terrorizes and tortures Scientologists is the most
wonderful person alive---because he alone holds
the keys to their happiness for eternity.



[It's Scientology, it doesn't have to make any sense.]

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

Nominated for one of the stupidest moments in Scientology. . .

THE MOMENT THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS HAVE A HUGE WIN WHEN DOING A
CLAY DEMO OF HUBBARD'S "ANTI-SOCIAL PERSONALITY" SCRIPTURE
THAT DECLARES HITLER AS AN EVIL "SP" WHO TRIED TO ENSLAVE THE ENTIRE
WORLD WITH HIS MIRACULOUS MASTER RACE ("UBERMENSCH") INSANITY.

AND THE NEXT MOMENT THAT SCIENTOLOGISTS HAVE A HUGE WHEN WHEN
DOING A CLAY DEMO OF HUBBARD'S "MANKIND'S GREATEST FRIEND" SCRIPTURE
THAT DECLARES HUBBARD AS THE SAVIOR OF THE PLANET & MANKIND
WHO TRIED TO ENSLAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH HIS
MIRACULOUS MASTER RACE ("HOMO NOVIS") INSANITY.

- - -
​

As you (and others) have noted, with the increasing number of criteria for HCO, finally the only people who weren't "out-qual" for HCO, were those who hadn't had much life-experience yet.

Nailed it!

It is no coincidence that cult leaders favor the grooming of children in order to breed unquestioning obedience & purity of fanaticism.

Hitler had his "HITLER YOUTH".

watch the first 100 seconds. . .

"We suddenly felt differently than before.
We had a mission and we felt important"
- Hitler Youth



Hubbard had his "HUBBARD YOUTH"

link to testimonial by Christi Gordon on indoctrinating young Sea Org soldiers

"At any rate, back to the Cadet Org…This is where children become militant, wear a uniform,
are assigned a post and given a title and rank. You are no longer called by your name but
are called Sir or Mr even if you’re female; You learn how to give and take orders, how to
muster, salute, and applaud LRH’s picture. You drill ”Chinese school” style (chant) the
Organization Board and Sea Org motto’s, “Production is the basis of Morale!” etc..you
learn how to clean, make a bed, wash windows per policy, and spend a huge amount
of time learning to snitch by writing knowledge reports to inform on others in the group
who are goofing off or off purpose, under-performing, nattering or third partying…This
may include your own parents if they don’t behave optimally or aren’t “winning” and only
sharing theta or being upstat (productive) and uptone (happy) with you (or are cranky or ill),
if they say inappropriate things to you (complain about their schedule or why they cant visit
you more often), give you off line orders (try to parent you directly) etc… You learn to report
on everyone and everything around you that is an outpoint or affects production or morale. "
- Hubbard Youth​

.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

CULT GIMMICKRY 101
(aka Cult Gimmickry 1.1)


"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain
or the fact that we are Bankrupting, Enslaving
& Implanting you. We'd really appreciate it if you
would instead think of it as Flourishing and Prospering,
Total Freedom & False Data Stripping.

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

..

Sometimes one catches a tiny glimpse of just how morbidly dark & toxic Scientology or any totalitarian slave cult really is. Such brief fleeting moments of nano-clarity can actually be rather depressing, creepy, eerie, or even scary. It's far easier to change the subject or think of something else.

Hence, the usefulness and/or popularity of "gallows humor". Such as:

(1944)
Original pilot for CCH 1

.​

LINK TO CCH 1:: "Give me that hand", commands the auditor with Tone 40, meaning that he is totally in control, does not react to anything the preclear does, and always ensures that the preclear carries out the command exactly as given, no more, no less. The preclear puts his hand into the auditor's and with a light squeeze the auditor places the hand back into the preclear's lap. "Thank you", he says, with Tone 40 intention.

.

 

[Dotey OT]

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

THE OLD AUDITING POLICY
"IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES"
HAS BEEN REVISED.

THE NEW ADAGE IS
"WE TAKE AS MUCH AS WE TAKE"
IS NOW THE NEW STANDARD.

Please remove and replace in all places where the old policy could be found.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

posted by Dotey OT

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

THE OLD AUDITING POLICY
"IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES"
HAS BEEN REVISED.

THE NEW ADAGE IS
"WE TAKE AS MUCH AS WE TAKE"
IS NOW THE NEW STANDARD.


Please remove and replace in all places
where the old policy could be found.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
​

LOL, outstanding!

PREDICTION: The instruction at the bottom to "Please remove and replace...." will soon itself be removed and replaced, as follows:

Please remove and replace the former policy "It takes as long as it takes"
because there was no former policy. If anyone insists they saw or still
has copies of the earlier policy, that SP should be removed and replaced.
The new policy is that "It takes as much gaslighting as it takes".

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

There is an interesting thread linking to today's UNDERGROUND BUNKER website (Tony Ortega's blog) that confirms that in the early 1990's Scientology was sitting on a few hundred million dollars.

". . . Rathbun says it very clearly. Scientology was desperate to get a deal worked out with the IRS because it owed a billion dollars and it only had about a fourth of that, or $250 million, in assets. Now, the Underground Bunker has obtained a stunning document dated June 30, 1993, just a few months before the Church of Scientology finally obtained its objective of tax exempt status. The document lists Scientology’s total assets in bonds, equities, and cash as of that date. . . Who knew, for example, that Scientology held about a million dollars in shares of both Coca-Cola and McDonald’s in 1993? ​

​

The reason that esoterica about Coca-Cola and McDonalds stock that the church had invested in is this. At virtually every reg and fund-raising cycle that any Scientologist was ever subjected, when they claimed they could not possibly donate any more that day the eagle eyed registrar would automatically launch into an entire" interrogatory" to to discover hidden information about the Scientologist's secret savings, reserves, investment accounts, assets, home equity, retirement accounts, bonds, annuities and stock portfolio.

Anything that surfaced indicating that the Scientologist owned stock, they would be hard-pressured to liquidate it and donate the proceeds. This was accomplished by a vast drop-down menu of gimmicks that included voluminous "Source Quotations" about the utter insignificance and folly of trying to accumulate and own stock--when their very existence and eternity was at stake!

The Scientologist would not be let off the hook no matter what they said or did. The regges would become relentless and possessed with manic tunnel vision on getting their hands on that money! They'd keep the Scientology stock holder all night and then show up at his place of employment the next day. A dozen full blast fire-hoses could not get those pit-bull cult closing crew clowns to release their crushing jaws that were throwing the victim around like a rag doll.

SCIENTOLOGIST
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!!!!! Okay, i confess--I do have
stock in Coca Cola and McDonalds, but don't want to sell it.

REGISTRAR
Do you see how psychotic and evil you have become?! You
compare holding onto a few pieces of worthless paper
to your entire eternity and the slim chance you now
have to save yourself from eternal nightmarish suffering!

SCIENTLOGIST
But, I worked for 4 decades to have enough
to buy that stock and now it's doubled to 800K.
It's all I've got to live on since I retired and
I'm barely squeaking by as it is.

REGISTRAR
Sell the stock now! Sell it or I am going
to write a KR on you and then demand that
you be issued a Non-Enturbulation order because
what you are doing and saying is suppressive to the
org's income stats! If you don't come along and do what
Ron says to do, you are sabotage mankind's only hope
of escaping the quadrillion year old MEST trap!

SCIENTOLOGIST
But, I---

REGISTRAR
Sell the stock. All of it! Now!
Sell it or die you piece of shit DB
out-ethics PTS, DB, SP! Here...
(hands him the telephone)
I've already dialed your stock broker
and you've got him here on the line.

SCIENTOLOGIST
Hello Tim. I want to sell all my stock
in McDonalds and Coca Cola. Text
me back when it's done.
(hangs up, turns to Reg)
Happy now?

REGISTRAR
Yes, very happy! Now that you've sold your
MEST stock, all your finance flows are going to
immediately open up and you will be experiencing
a 37% expansion of your gross income,
within 48 hours, guaranteed, per LRH.

SCIENTOLOGIST
Um, okay, but can I see that
quote by Ron in writing?

REGISTRAR
Sure, after you have completed the wire
and the money hits our account.

SCIENTOLOGIST
(still moping his regrets)
Jeez, I promised I was never going to sell
my only asset! I have good information that it's going
to double again in a month and I will realize a million
dollar return on my investment. I am really thinking of calling
my broker back and canceling the sell order.

REGISTRAR
No! I am ordering you to put that phone down now!!!
Besides being a huge overt and criminal act to deny
the church your financial help, just think WHAT WOULD
RON DO? Of course Ron and our church would never use
money to buy worthless stock certificates while the whole
planet is going to blow up and murder everyone. Only
Only a criminal would do that, are you a criminal?

-----3 hours later, the wire transfer arrives at the church of Scientology. ----
Within a few short minutes, the the Scientologists are on the
phone to their own stockbroker, ordering the purchase
of stock in McDonalds and Coca Cola.

.



​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

PC PARADOX

Despite Hubbard's hyperbole and breathless guarantees about
"MECCAS OF TECHNICAL PERFECTION" and "100% STANDARD TECH",
neither of those could possibly exist. Because 100% of
the time the tech does not produce Clears or OTs.

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

/
.

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.
Having studied nuclear physics and other technical disciplines,
L. Ron Hubbard applied all these advanced sciences to Scientology.

In the 1950's Dr. Hubbard even applied Einstein's
THEORY OF RELATIVITY to the Scientology e-Meter!
Thus, Ron wrote sacred scripture requiring all Scientologists
to purchase two (2) multi-thousand dollar e-Meters
instead of just one. Because E=mc(2).
E-meters = (money x cash)2
.
​