TOP SUPER-STUPID MOMENTS IN SCIENTOLOGY (PART V)

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
...

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY SUDDENLY
FOLLOWED THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING" LAWS?

. . .

BEFORE




AFTER




JUST RELEASED STATEMENT BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: "For decades, our religion has been very
unfairly criticized and accused of killing the pets of our enemies. In all those years not one lawsuit has ever been filed
against us by even one (1) dead pet. Further proof of this outrageous defamatory libel/slander is that none of the
little puppies or kittens of dead pets has ever
initiated any arbitration proceedings to recover damages for
the wrongful death of their deceased parent(s)."
—Scientology Spokesperson



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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member

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This very curious promotional poster was originally
found on a discussion thread
HERE
and/or
MIKE RINDER'S BLOG
...

WOW! RON'S TECH HAS SOLVED 76
YEARS OF WARS IN THE MIDDLE EAST!
CUE COB TO BEGIN REPETETIVELY SCREAMING
"THE WAR IS OVER!"
as 1 billion balloons are dropped on euphorically
applauding, cheering & gratefully weeping scientologists....




QUESTION: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A CULT BECOMES SO BLINDED BY THEIR
OWN FANATICISM, TREACHERY & PROPAGANDA THAT THEY
ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO EVEN KEEP TRACK OF OR
REMEMBER WHAT BIG LIES THEY TOLD BEFORE?



THIS YEAR'S CURRENT CULT LIE

. . .


PREVIOUS CULT LIES






So, be sure to "DECIDE FOR YOURSELF"
Be sure to "THINK FOR YOURSELF"--
as long as you agree 100% with LRH
who has "the only true viewpoint".

You are free to disagree. Go ahead!
See what happens. Try it. In fact,
Scientology "DARES" you to!
Nothing sinister or threatening
about that, right?
LOL


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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..
It's been a while since a new book by an Ex-Scientologist
has hit the NY TIMES BESTSELLER list. And to top it off,
the author is one of this website's regular contributors!

...





.
* * * * * 10 STAR RATING * * * * *

"Wow! I had more case gain just reading the
book's cover
than all of the OT levels combined!
I highly recommend buying one of the DELUXE
VIP LEATHER BOUND LIMITED EDITIONS
that comes with a complementary set of rubber
bands, paperclips and used batteries! You also
get a free bookmark and a small travel kit with
4 colors of clay that makes a handy companion
when you are flying overseas and want to read the
book several times with full conceptual understanding!

—Don Hubbard


...
.



Wait - clay comes in different colors? Not just dirt color?

.

LOL!

Talking about Scientology and clay, an ex-Sea Org member that spent a considerable amount of time on the Apollo working with L. Ron Hubbard shared a story with me the other day that seemed pretty unbelievable. However, they had the receipts to prove it! And they were even generous enough to let me make a photocopy of a rarely viewed HCOB that for reasons unknown became one of those odd bulletins that somehow never made it into the tech volumes.

- - - - - - - - - -


HUBBARD COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE
Saint Hill Manor, East Grinstead, Sussex

HCO BULLETIN OF
11 NOVEMBER 1972
Tech Hats
Director of Training
All Course Supervisors
Cramming Officer Hat

CLAY TABLE AND AUDITOR STABILITY

Years of hard won experience has shown us that clay demos can produce some of the highest gains attainable in training and the fabulous flubless auditors that were produced at St. Hill under my watch and direct supervision.
However, more recently I have noticed that the number of Auditors being sent to cramming for session goofs has swelled to the point where there was standing room only. That got me good and curious to find out what in the devil was going on that so many needed correction to that degree.
In fact, when I walked by the Department Of Corrections the other day I peeked in and noticed some familiar faces of crackerjack auditors that I had personally trained on the SHSBC. How could this happen, I puzzled. How does a flub-free auditor suddenly begin bungling their commands and metering?
This got me very curious, so I rolled up my sleeves and jumped in with both feet to see what in the blazes was going on in those course rooms. Well, in less than a minute I spotted it. Mud colored clay! I demanded to know who had authorized the purchase of dull gray plasticine when policy clearly requires multi-colored clay. It was then that these scarlet-faced course supervisors explained that the clay originally was multi-colored, but over time and use became a depressingly colorless blob.
It seems that some squirrel or SP thought it was okay to pass a clay demo where every object was the same lifeless gunmetal hue. This is hardly a duplication of the MEST universe and thus the student auditors were being denied the full gains attainable by properly standard clay representations! Without those life-changing wins, their ability to audit 100% standardly will not remain entirely stable.
It has been my long-standing policy that after a clay demo has been given a pass, the student must meticulously return each component color to it's proper color bin. Failure to do so--or any action which results in gray clay is both a SUPPRESSIVE ACT and a HIGH CRIME.
Without colorful clay, we cannot train infallibly flubless auditors because over time their perfection will fade, just as the colors of the gray enturbulated "enclay". And with their failure goes the slim opportunity that we now have to free mankind from his ill-fated MEST entrapment.

L. RON HUBBARD
Founder
LRH:dh
Copyright © 1972. by L. Ron Hubbard
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

GRATEFUL THANKS TO DON HUBBARD FOR PROVIDING
PERMISSION TO PUBLISH HIS PERSONAL COPY OF
THE ABOVE HCOB, WHICH ONE CAN PLAINLY

SEE HE WAS RON'S TYPIST ON [LRH; dh]

.

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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
...
Some outstanding advice from pineapple
regarding IL2L's new bestselling book!
...

And of course buy two copies; don't wanna get caught short ...
.......


LOL!

Isn't that like the e-meter policy--where you are required to buy TWO (2) e-meters? (i.e.
"...in case while you are in session—something goes wrong with the first meter")

REGISTRAR
Okay, then your total tech estimate to do your entire
Bridge from wog to OT VIII is only.....$650,000. Just
make the check out to "Church of Scientology".

WOG
Okay, hang on....
(fills out check)
Here ya go!

REGISTRAR
Excellent. And I will just
need you to make out another
check, also for $650,000.

WOG
Wuttttt? I just paid for my Bridge, what's the 2nd $650K for?

REGISTER
It's "
in case while you are in Scientology—
something goes wrong with the first Bridge
"


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The_Fixer

Bent in all sorts of ways..
...

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY SUDDENLY
FOLLOWED THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING" LAWS?

. . .

BEFORE




AFTER




JUST RELEASED STATEMENT BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY: "For decades, our religion has been very
unfairly criticized and accused of killing the pets of our enemies. In all those years not one lawsuit has ever been filed
against us by even one (1) dead pet. Further proof of this outrageous defamatory libel/slander is that none of the
little puppies or kittens of dead pets has ever
initiated any arbitration proceedings to recover damages for
the wrongful death of their deceased parent(s)."
—Scientology Spokesperson



..


...
I shouldn't laugh.

Back in the day, we would have swallowed all that as the total truth.
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
...

Unquestionably one of the stupidest things in the history of Scientology...

A "MODERN SCIENCE" USING
DOLL DRILLS


from the discussion thread--
"A REPORTER VISITS BIRMINGHAM IDEAL ORG"



The oddest part of "doll drills" is that the cult of scientology
doesn't think that their customers have enough imagination
to practice saying auditing commands unless they have something
like a doll—that physically resembles the reality of auditing a human.

However, at the same time, the cult absolutely thinks that their
customers have the infinite imagination required to believe that
they have attained magically supernatural powers to levitate, leave
their bodies, pull air covers off planets and to instantly "postulate"
anything they desire into existence for the rest of eternity!


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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..

Finally! A part of Scientology that actually makes sense!

THE E-METER READ SIMULATOR



FAKE TECHNOLOGY - FAKE READS

I remember Academy students doing emeter drills...with the coach off
to the side squeezing the cans—to simulate reads.
..
I remember Scientologists doing OT levels...with the registrar off
to the side squeezing the Pre-OT for money and magical OT success
stories—to simulate miracles.
. .
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
.
You forget, "Scientologists are the sanest, most ethical people on the planet"


..
FIFY
"Scientologists are the sanest, most ethical people on the this planet"

This is your last warning!

Stop squirreling & sabotaging Ron's tech!!!

Use of the word "this" is critical. It reflects and confirms the reality that OTs are fully aware of countless other civilizations on countless other planets for countless trillions of years.

Immediately abandon your off-source rhetoric and adopt Ron's 100% standard patter.

...


...
All Scientologists have studied and clay demo'd the technology of grammar. And thus they have gained a working knowledge of such things as adjectives and superlatives (good, better, best!)

However, on advanced Scientology levels they learn the the spectacular tech of SUPER-SUPERLATIVES.

WOG SUPERLATIVE: "Wow, this is the best cheeseburger in New York City!"
SUPER SUPERLATIVE: "Wow, this is the best cheeseburger on this planet!"
Any being who speaks in Super-Superlatives has quite obviously used their OT powers to visit many planets.

AXIOM: Super-Superlatives are what makes OTs OT.


...
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY SUDDENLY
OBEYED THE "TRUTH IN ADVERTISING" LAWS?

. . .

BEFORE





AFTER



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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..

..

If Scientology 'makes the able more able'——

WHY ARE "MORE ABLE" SCIENTOLOGISTS READING THIS CULT PROMO
PIECE NOT ABLE TO SEE THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS CONTRADICTION?



If Scientology actually worked as promised—why do you need to learn
how to "
recover your friends" who blew because they are disgruntled
customers? What happened? Why are they upset? They had too many wins
and went too exterior? Maybe they flourished & prospered too much and
experienced too many new magical OT powers and supernatural miracles?



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I M Dex

Well-known member
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..

If Scientology 'makes the able more able'——

WHY ARE "MORE ABLE" SCIENTOLOGISTS READING THIS CULT
PROMO PIECE NOT ABLE TO SEE THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS PARADOX?



If Scientology actually worked as promised—why do you need to learn
how to "
recover your friends" who blew because they are disgruntled
customers? What happened? Why are they upset? They had too many wins
and went too exterior? Maybe they flourished & prospered too much and
experienced too many new magical OT powers and supernatural miracles?



...
Oh, it's all because of "SP's", "MU's", "Out-tech" and "out-ethics". Scientology is perfect, it just gets spoiled when it's contaminated with life and people. Get rid of life and people, and it's pure magic. That's what aggravated, disturbed and overwhelmed LRH. Life and people terrified and and pissed him off. How disrespectful for mankind's greatest friend. :)
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
.
Oh, it's all because of "SP's", "MU's", "OUT-TECH" and "OUT-ETHICS". Scientology is perfect, it just gets spoiled when it's contaminated with life and people. Get rid of life and people, and it's pure magic. That's what aggravated, disturbed and overwhelmed LRH. Life and people terrified and and pissed him off. How disrespectful for mankind's greatest friend. :)

Yes!

And let's not forget the other human aberration that blocks, impedes and prevents Scientologists from experiencing all
of the blissful results and miraculous wins that Ron's tech can deliver. . .


INCAPACITY TO IMAGINE

"He has now moved on to his next level
of OT research. This level is beyond
anything any one of us ever imagined!
"





...
KSW KOAN: How is it possible for Miscavige (who never completed OT V,
OT VI, OT VII and OT VIII
) to know that the un-published and un-located
levels above OT VIII are "beyond anything any one of us ever imagined"?
He never read those levels. He never audited those levels. He never
completed those levels. He therefore never attained the supposed
abilities from those levels. Yet he states with total certainty that
the gains are beyond everyone's imagination. Scientific researchers
have a special technical term for people who can so accurately predict
unknown metaphysical events in the future. They call them liars.


...


 
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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
...


cross-posted from another thread discussing Tony Ortega's
article
on Scientology's "sinking ship" of eternally crashing numbers.
Particularly the number of 'new bodies' they trick into coming inside the org.

. . .​

..
The Ideal Org nearest me recently went into SCREAMING AFFLUENCE on the "New Bodies In The Shop" stat.

They in fact QUADRUPLED their daily average!

Over the past year they were only getting a single body in the org per day. However, yesterday in one (1) day alone they had FOUR (4) new hot prospects come in!

PROSPECT #1: A field representative from the electric company came in to turn off their power for unpaid bills.​
PROSPECT #2: A homeless person asking to use the restroom.​
PROSPECTS #3 and #4: Random Starbucks customers asking if they could get change for a dollar for the street parking meters.​

ANOTHER HUGE 4TH DYNAMIC WIN TO REPORT! The org is now running a GOFUNDME online in order to raise money so they can follow step #4 of Ron's Affluence Formula: "Discover what caused the Condition of Affluence and strengthen it." They are trying to raise 63 dollars for a professional cardboard sign to put in their window that reads:
..

WE MAKE CHANGE FOR PARKING METERS!!!
TOTALLY FREE!
WE CHARGE NO FEES---JUST GIVE US A

DOLLAR BILL AND YOU GET 4 QUARTERS!
And while you are waiting for your change, you also get to watch a totally free
introductory video, take a totally free stress test, receive a totally free personality test
and hear a totally free lecture on our scientific religion that gives you total freedom!




....
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..
WE MAKE CHANGE FOR PARKING METERS!!!
TOTALLY FREE!
WE CHARGE NO FEES---JUST GIVE US A

DOLLAR BILL AND YOU GET 4 QUARTERS!
And while you are waiting for your change, you also get to watch a totally free
introductory video, take a totally free stress test, receive a totally free personality test
and hear a totally free lecture on our scientific religion that gives you total freedom!
....


..
UPDATE: The Ideal Org's Exec Director and all of the staff were assigned a condition of TREASON for putting that non-standard, un-surveyed, off-source marketing sign in the window. Senior management also sent 9 Sea Org missionaires to find the SP that authorized that squirrel sign and to false data strip all of the org's public who viewed that criminal promotion. Upon their arrival, the missionaires tore up and burned the "WE MAKE CHANGE FOR PARKING METERS" sign and installed the on-source, surveyed & approved sign:


WE'RE SCIENTOLOGY
WE'RE SAVING THE UNIVERSE WITH SCIENCE

WE ARE NOT A CULT!
TRUST SCIENCE —— TRUST US

...
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..




graphics - anonymous file on Google images
copywriting - Don Hubbard



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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
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graphics - anonymous file on Google images
copywriting - Don Hubbard


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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
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they are even trying to position their orgs as sort of 'community centers' as part of safepointing and trying to work the interfaith angle.


..
Agreed! Now that you point it out, their
"let's blend in to the wog culture" messaging
is quite clear & apparent! All of it. . .




All of it, except the other messaging in the
hereinabove half-dozen subliminal watermarks.



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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
I hadn't thought about it in decades, but recently I was reminded of L. Ron Hubbard's
"advanced technology" when engaging in warfare with an enemy considerably
bigger and stronger than oneself. Here's a little snippet from an
excellent February 2019 essay on Mike Rinder's blog.

. . .

(Hubbard) penned a very well-known piece called “Ethics, The Design Of” which is found today in the Introduction to Scientology Ethics book. It is a parable everyone in scientology knows — a tall tale from Hubbard’s childhood. But it tells scientologists how Hubbard expects them to conduct themselves:

To give you an example, when a little boy this life, the neighborhood a block around and the road from home to school were unusable. A bully about five years older than I named Leon Brown exerted a very bad influence over other children. With extortion by violence and blackmail and with corruption he made the area very dangerous. The road to school was blocked by the 5 O’Connell kids, ranging from 7 to 15 who stopped and beat up any smaller child. One couldn’t go to school safely and was hounded by the truant officer, a hulking brute complete with star, if one didn’t go to school. When I was about six I got very tired of a bloody nose and spankings because my clothes were torn and avidly learned “lumberjack fighting” a crude form of judo from my grandfather. With this “superior tech” under my belt I searched out and found alone the youngest O’Connell kid, a year older than I, and pulverized him. Then I found alone and took on the next in size and pulverized him. After that the O’Connell kids, all 5, fled each time I showed up and the road to school was open and I convoyed other little kids so it was safe. Then one day I got up on a 9 foot high board fence and waited until the 12 year old bully passed by and leaped off on him boots and all and after the dust settled that neighborhood was safe for every kid in it.
Of course, the likelihood that Hubbard's heroic history even happened is about the same odds that Hubbard discovered the guaranteed "cure for cancer" by simply giving the afflicted being a few minute "touch assist". Or similar odds to his fabulous fable about taking a 24 million mile journey to Venus and returning with yet another exciting scientific breakthrough: " I notice that we all believe that Venus has a methane atmosphere and is unlivable. I almost got run down by a freight locomotive the other day — didn’t look very uncivilized to me. I’m allergic to freight locomotives, they’re always running into you.”

There are factually many thousands of such ridiculously laughable lies that Hubbard blinklessly told about his paranormal powers and "advanced technology" that could easily resolve and erase every human problem. However, the one (1) problem that Hubbard never was able to solve was twofold:

1. The technology did not work. Because the mythical miracle never​
happened in the first place. (see example at "World's First Clear")​
2. The person or condition being "treated" became so much worse that it​
proved untreatable by real professionals. (see example at "Lisa McPherson")​
The above quicksand was never more apparent than Hubbard's "tech" for vanquishing whistleblowing critics/enemies of Scientology. His "leap off a 9 foot fence and smash them into the pavement" ultimately became his infamous "FAIR GAME" policies that advised all Scientologists to literally "destroy" any critic by LYING to and TRICKING them by any means possible. Naturally, that modus operandi didn't "win friends and influence SPs", lol.

Instead, his Fair Game crime wave made the public fear and hate Hubbard and his hellacious hoax. Over the decades this horrific public relations "solution" metastasized into a critical-mass meltdown of epic proportions. Once the number of reporting victims began going public and warning others (e.g. by word of mouth, books, documentaries, magazine/newspaper articles, tv appearances, internet, social media, et al) the anti-hubbard-anti-hoax virus wildly spread and became a worldwide pandemic.

Hubbard believed himself to be a brilliant wartime general and ingenius strategist that could not be defeated. He ordered Scientologists to study and drill his own battlefield mastery as well as the policies of another "undefeated" legendary commander, from 2500 years ago in China--Sun Tzu, author of the battle bible "The Art Of War".

1716301441641.jpeg

Too bad Hubbard didn't read and understand that book himself. (see next post)


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HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..
.

That miserably failed "9 FOOT FENCE TECH" appears to be a serious violation of Sun Tzu's "ART OF WAR" technology. . .




Despite "knowing how to know" and being "total cause over life", Hubbard
never looked skyward and noticed that 9 feet above him was
perched an enemy more ferociously vast and powerful than
76 quadrillion SPs, Squirrels, Psychs & Implanters.
The Internet. You can't pounce on, stalk, sue,
bankrupt, terrorize and destroy utterly
5.4 billion internet users worldwide.
. . .

...
 

HelluvaHoax!

Well-known member
..
.
yet another chapter in
the endless encyclopedia of

CREEPY CULT COPYWRITING CORRUPTION



Seems like just another incredibly boring cult promotional flyer, right?
We've all seen so many thousands of them over the years that one's mind develops a jaded immunity to the blatant idiocies contained within the headlines, graphics and copywriting. I think I will borrow Hubbard's term "THE MIND'S PROTECTION", but not the way he meant it. In this case a non-scientologist or ex-cult member's mind quickly engages an auto-shutdown mode when the cult marketing ad's pretense, fakery, lies, puffery, fraud and gimmicky rhetoric is so thickly layered and densely repulsive that one begins to slip into a coma and lose contact with reality.

But no worries. We'll provide a free deconstruction of the cult's carefully calculated minefield of nonsensical words, ideas, pretended statuses and non-existent achievements.

1. The cult doesn't just use the person's name (e.g. "Good news everyone, Mike will give a speech!"). No, they can't do that. Because it's not loaded with intergalactic gravitas. Ergo, we must insert the word "MR" in front of his name. Nobody does that, only Scientology. "Hey everyone, Tom Cruise is going to come to our charity and sign autographs!" Not good enough. Flunk! Okay try again: "Hey everyone MR Tom Cruise is going to come to our charity and sign autographs!" Pass!

2. Scientology is clever so even they realize that just the respect-inducing honorific "MR" won't allay cynical people's fears about the cult. So they bring yet another layer of Super-Statusy-Sounding words. Words like "COMMANDING OFFICER CLO CANADA!" Now people will line definitely line up around the block to come to our event.....Pass!

3. But wait, what if "MR" and "COMMANDING OFFICER" are still not enough to inspire cult marks to come to the disguised Fund Raiser masquerading as a "Briefing"? We are going to need more compelling reasons to attend the disguised donor-fest, right? Let's add in some very very very special VIP breaking news that all Scientologists will love. How about this? "Hear the latest news from Chicago Grand Opening". What's the breathless news? That at the Grand Opening balloons were released and people had the opportunity to wildly cheer for replacing linoleum floors with Italian marble?

4. What if Scientologists are unmoved by all of the above hyperbolically superlative adjectives? No problem, we can add yet another layer of bamboozling bombast! Let's promise to tell dopey Scientologists about the "NEW BREED OF IDEAL ORG!" Wow, that must be amazing. Because "Ideal" apparently was not good enough to handle the church's marketing ruin. But a "new breed" means that it's even more ideal than ideal! Then the orgs will "expand" and people will mob the front doors trying to get inside to buy their Bridge!

5. Scientology's management is obviously worried that all of the above was still not enough to attract attendance so they needed something else. Therefore they revealed that this event was not just any old "briefing". Nope. It's going to be an "EXCLUSIVE BRIEFING". Nobody can know the secret information, only those who attend. And if after this "exclusive" briefing you share the good news and expansion wins with anyone who didn't attend the exclusive briefing, then you are certain to get smacked with an Ethics routing form and lower conditions for leaking confidential information! That's how "exclusive" it is, so don't miss this event!
5. That last gimmick ("exclusive") was so powerful that the cult felt compelled to repeat it a 2nd time just to be sure people cognited how life changing this event was going to be. So they added some more sizzling copywriting: "YOU WILL GET NEWS AND INSIGHTS NOT OTHERWISE AVAILABLE!" It would be a real shame if you didn't get those insights because then you'd be missing significant Grade Chart case gains required to go OT.

6. Just like a great movie, a power promo piece has to have a thrilling third and final act! This is where great cult copywriting is fully put to the test to close the deal and get people to decide to attend: If you attend you will get the "CLEAREST LOOK POSSIBLE ON WHERE WE ARE AT AND EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE GOING!" This must be the part where they reveal that "where we are at" is miserably insolvent failing orgs. And, "where we are going" is terror-filled avoidance of talking about the mindblowing miracles that Scientology is supposed to deliver--but is humiliatingly unable to deliver for the past 74 years. Admitting that would be a buzz-killer so let's not. But, instead of confessing the truth, the cult's solution is to quickly change subjects and become a clown-show "church" that exclusively focuses upon floridly fake statuses and pretend "OT wins"; and "briefing" Scientologists that their beloved "church" is frantically engaged in scamming credulous culties to donate billions to buy and remodel buildings--because the lack of fancy marble floors is the "WHY" that nobody ever achieved any of the magical powers that Mr....um, I mean Dr. Hubbard guaranteed.

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