Suicidal Ideation in the Sea Org

SuperstarNeilC

Well-known member
When I was in the Sea Org at Saint Hill I was in a terrible state.

Prior to joining the SO I’d suffered from eczema (painful skin condition) for a few years. - Lots of inflamed itchy skin on my legs which I couldn’t help scratching whilst in bed at night, causing broken bleeding flesh. - Very painful.

They put me on the Purification Rundown, and by the time I Attested three weeks later, the eczema had spread basically all over my body. - Legs, arms, torso, a bit on my neck and face.

I suppose the extreme flare-up was caused by the sauna heat, malnourishment, lack of sleep.

Almost all through the night I’d be awake constantly itching and scratching. - About 6am I’d pass out from exhaustion. - At 7am everybody would start waking up for the day. - I’d wake up covered in blood all over my body. - My pyjamas would be stuck to my skin with dried blood. - I couldn’t just disrobe, the pjs would be fused to my skin. - I’d have to go into a private shower stall and ever so slowly, under the running water, slowly peel them off, taking off layers of skin in the process. One word, AGONY.

This went on for the whole year at Saint Hill, and continued when I was transferred to Celebrity Centre International, Hollywood.

Anyways, while at Saint Hill I was OBSESSED with going up the Bridge. - GOD, did I want OT8 (and the L- Rundowns) so F’N badly. - They’d handle my body problems, give me TOTAL FREEDOM (you know the spiel).

I had no money to buy my way up the Bridge so the only hope was for the Universe Corps to audit us up there. - I was savvy enough to realise that the Universe Corps route would take DECADES, if ever.

The prospect of waiting decades to suck on the nipple of INFINITY was intolerable to me. - I wanted to guzzle a gallon of Guk Bomb NOW, NOW, NOW !!!

I’d stand forlornly staring high up at the BRIDGE TO TOTAL FREEDOM, the trajectory of my gaze riveted to the top. - Truth Revealed, Orders of Magnitude, Character, Operating, Future. - Blood seeping into my freshly laundered uniform.

And all the while I was surrounded by rich OT Public, fresh out of Session, big smiles, pearly white teeth flashing, laughing and line-charging. - Mark Super VII E-Meters chained to their wrists, not a care in the world.

lNTOLERABLE

”Fuck Fuck Fuck.”

Some of the rich OTs had happy bubbly kids who were shooting up the Bridge at double time. - All paid for by Mommy and Daddy.

The thought “If only I had rich OT parents” sloshed around in my reactive mind.

The best solution, I concluded, was to kill myself and be reborn as an OTs youngling.

The suicidal ideation stayed with me the whole year.

I’ve spoken with other Sea Orgers who’ve entertained similar disturbing darkled images. - To kill themselves and be reborn into an OT family in order to expedite a smoother quicker run up THE BRIDGE.
 
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Lee #28

Well-known member
Yes, please don't leave us hanging.....

What happened to the eczema?

I can't imagine being routed on or staying on the Purid with such a condition!

Very interesting about the jealousy too! Need to know how you worked that out.
 

SuperstarNeilC

Well-known member
So after the Purif. - which made your skin condition worse, did it STAY worse? All over your body?
Basically, yes, for quite a few years afterwards. - From Saint Hill I was transferred to CC Int and the California heat further exacerbated my condition. - Meat body-wise I was FUCKED !!!

I cognited I’d never recover any semblance of health in the Sea Org and that my only option was to get the fuck out of there. - I tried to route out of the SO standardly, but they kept fucking me over so I decided to blow.

I secretly bought a plane ticket and flew back to England.

FUCK ’EM.
 
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Lee #28

Well-known member
When did you leave LA and CC?

Just curious what time frame we are talking about.

I left in 2000. I recall the Universe Corps....as being around the 1990s......don't know how long lasting it was...
 

Chuck J.

Election Fraud Has Consequences
Basically, yes, for quite a few years afterwards. - From Saint Hill I was transferred to CC Int and the California heat further exasperated my condition. - Meat body-wise I was FUCKED !!!

I cognited I’d never recover any semblance of health in the Sea Org and that my only option was to get the fuck out of there. - I tried to route out of the SO standardly, but they kept fucking me over so I decided to blow.

I secretly bought a plane ticket and flew back to England.

FUCK THEM.
So, as Lee mentioned, they routed you OFF the Purif. like that?
 

SuperstarNeilC

Well-known member
When I was on the detox regimen the stern buxom Purif I/C diagnosed that my eczema was toxins being flushed from my body and things “turning on”. - “All perfectly normal”, she said officiously, straining a smile.

I Attested to the End Phenomena [EP] after three weeks. - I did still have some “wins” - I felt somewhat brighter and my eyesight had improved. - The prison planet appeared more vibrant and colourful.

That was Success enough for the I/C and employing Tone 40 intention she rubber-stamped my COMPLETION with a loud resounding THUD.
 
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onceuponatime

Well-known member
You're not the first person I've heard that idea from, "just be born to rich parents", it's totally crazy and at the same time perfectly in line with Scientology thinking and Scientology principles. When you think of yourself as an immortal thetan then all of sudden what you do in this life doesn't matter, a very dangerous viewpoint to have (and how Scientology gets so many people to throw away their lives).
 

SuperstarNeilC

Well-known member
Thinking along the lines of “the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

One could convince oneself that “I’m not helping the Expansion enough as a low-level Sea Org member stuck at the bottom of the Bridge. - I could amplify Command Intention much more if I simply dropped my body and be born into a millionaires family. - Then I could zoom upto OT8 and donate shedloads to the IAS. - That would do more good than simply toiling as I am.”
 

Enthetan

Veteran of the Psychic Wars
Consider the case of OT 7 Rex Fowler's murder of employee Thomas Ciancio, when Ciancio discovered financial irregularities at Fowler's software company and its relationship with the Church. My may have thought (or been convinced by some OSA loon) that murder/suicide was the best way to avoid embarrassing Scientology.
 

TheSneakster

Well-known member
I'm not surprised. Whether the Purification Rundown does the specified function (removing toxic substances from the human body) or not, Eczema is an immune system issue with the skin per the medical literature and certainly not supposed to be addressed by the Purif. I would definitely expect the intense sweating regimen to exacerbate Eczema. (caveat: I am not a doctor).
 

Chuck J.

Election Fraud Has Consequences
You're not the first person I've heard that idea from, "just be born to rich parents", it's totally crazy and at the same time perfectly in line with Scientology thinking and Scientology principles. When you think of yourself as an immortal thetan then all of sudden what you do in this life doesn't matter, a very dangerous viewpoint to have (and how Scientology gets so many people to throw away their lives).
Very dangerous. Justifies anything. Any crime, any action.

Moral relativism.
A common $cientology mindset.

If I defraud "wogs" and the US Govt. in my chiropractic, accounting, investment (insert business type here_______________) I can flow money to $cientology and do the greatest good for the greatest number, blah, blah, blah.

Really?
What about the Dynamics you just harmed? They don't count?
So $cientologists are playing God deciding who it's OK to steal money from?

Is it all OK, "cuz like $cn. has the rosiest vision of what things SHOULD be on our planet?

Really?
I have a vision too: I think it'd be much better to NOT have transnational criminal organizations masquerading as a religion deciding what's best for everybody.

I'm so sick of the $cientology paternalistic we know best bullshit.
 

Enthetan

Veteran of the Psychic Wars
Very dangerous. Justifies anything. Any crime, any action.

Moral relativism.
A common $cientology mindset.

If I defraud "wogs" and the US Govt. in my chiropractic, accounting, investment (insert business type here_______________) I can flow money to $cientology and do the greatest good for the greatest number, blah, blah, blah.

Really?
What about the Dynamics you just harmed? They don't count?
So $cientologists are playing God deciding who it's OK to steal money from?

Is it all OK, "cuz like $cn. has the rosiest vision of what things SHOULD be on our planet?

Really?
I have a vision too: I think it'd be much better to NOT have transnational criminal organizations masquerading as a religion deciding what's best for everybody.

I'm so sick of the $cientology paternalistic we know best bullshit.
We've seen it before many times, when the promise of an ideal future is used as a justification to commit horrors in order to get there.

Lenin and Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and the killing fields of Cambodia, etc.
 

Chuck J.

Election Fraud Has Consequences
We've seen it before many times, when the promise of an ideal future is used as a justification to commit horrors in order to get there.

Lenin and Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and the killing fields of Cambodia, etc.
I had a conversation with Bernadette Klink (INCOMM S.O. lifer) one time. She said don't you want a world where we don't need police and there's an ethics officer on every corner, or words to that effect.

Had quite the opposite effect on me than she intended. I didn't respond to her comment.

I actually thought about it. I realized police would be needed for a long time into the future regardless. But the ethics officer statement chilled me to the bone and made me realized just how crazy $cientology is.

It's funny but I was in the S.O. at the time and had done tons of sec chx etc. - but I thought to myself I would fight to the death 10,000 times over to prevent the $cn. wetdream of world control.
 

Enthetan

Veteran of the Psychic Wars
I had a conversation with Bernadette Klink (INCOMM S.O. lifer) one time. She said don't you want a world where we don't need police and there's an ethics officer on every corner, or words to that effect.

Had quite the opposite effect on me than she intended. I didn't respond to her comment.

I actually thought about it. I realized police would be needed for a long time into the future regardless. But the ethics officer statement chilled me to the bone and made me realized just how crazy $cientology is.

It's funny but I was in the S.O. at the time and had done tons of sec chx etc. - but I thought to myself I would fight to the death 10,000 times over to prevent the $cn. wetdream of world control.
That's the Scientology dream - armed HCO people replacing police, and conducting their enforcement actions according to what's best for Org stats.

You don't want to cough up all your money to the reg? You're under arrest. Maybe a few days doing MEST work will adjust your reality.
 

Xenu Xenu Xenu

Well-known member
Very dangerous. Justifies anything. Any crime, any action.

Moral relativism.
A common $cientology mindset.

If I defraud "wogs" and the US Govt. in my chiropractic, accounting, investment (insert business type here_______________) I can flow money to $cientology and do the greatest good for the greatest number, blah, blah, blah.

Really?
What about the Dynamics you just harmed? They don't count?
So $cientologists are playing God deciding who it's OK to steal money from?

Is it all OK, "cuz like $cn. has the rosiest vision of what things SHOULD be on our planet?

Really?
I have a vision too: I think it'd be much better to NOT have transnational criminal organizations masquerading as a religion deciding what's best for everybody.

I'm so sick of the $cientology paternalistic we know best bullshit.
It sounds so stupid at first to some people. Some people would say, "Come on now, you don't really think Scientology is like that do you?"

I have never had any doubt Scientology is exactly like that given the chance, the opportunity, and the knowledge that they could get away with murder and worse. What is worse than murder? Why, even more murder of course!
 

Chuck J.

Election Fraud Has Consequences
It sounds so stupid at first to some people. Some people would say, "Come on now, you don't really think Scientology is like that do you?"

I have never had any doubt Scientology is exactly like that given the chance, the opportunity, and the knowledge that they could get away with murder and worse. What is worse than murder? Why, even more murder of course!
While I'm on my soapbox.

This is why $cn. will never produce OT's. They can't have free beings being free. Thus the 6 mo. sec chx duress, the Super Power Implant Station, etc etc. etc. Got to always have them under control.

Theoretically whose to say that if there were enough OT's they all decide, "Hey, ya know we chatted about this and we really don't want the management of $cientology running the world." "We'd like to just let happen organically."

$cientology sure can't have free people being free deciding what they want if it leaves the $cn. cult management out of the equation.

Yes, I know. Assuming scientology tech even works and is not a fraud and all that. The above is just a thought experiment to explain the phoney $cn. cult managements' actions.

OK, I'm done, thread hijack over. Sorry for any discomfort. We'll be landing in 5 minutes.
 
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