UnderTheRadar
Member
No, not like that.
I'm so glad I found this community! I've been looking high-and-low for a group of ex-Scientologists who I could share some experiences with for the past year or so and this is exactly what I was hoping it would be, so major thanks to whoever is running this board.
I was born into Scientology in the mid-80s and literally grew up in the church as both parents were staff members which meant daycare was a dusty room in the org with an underaged and under-qualified nanny. All told it wasn't a bad childhood. I had plenty of friends and lots of (maybe too much) freedom to do what we wanted. The years my Mom spent in LA and Florida doing training and auditing was a bit rough for a small child but we did ok. Luckily for my siblings and I we had an aunt who lived nearby we could stay with while Dad was working late nights CSing and mom was off doing her OT levels.
Dad left staff first, in the early-mid 90s and started working to create some real income so our growing family could move out of the tiny one-bedroom house we were renting. Mom held on for a little longer but eventually she too entered the real world to sell rugs on the side of the road for some extra cash. Life was pretty normal during that time. I went to public school and made one or two wog friends and just lived life.
When I was in 5th grade mom rejoined staff. My siblings and I became latchkey kids which was fine by us, although it became tiresome to have to babysit our 7 year old brother and we would often just leave him alone at home and go out skateboarding for a couple hours. 6th grade came around and I decided I could no longer handle public schools. Columbine had just happened and I was terrified that one of these psych-drugged kids was going to snap and mow me down one day. I convinced my parents to let me homeschool and they agreed. Of course my mom was still on staff and my dad was working so that was effectively the end of my schooling. I finished a repeat of 6th grade and then just stopped entirely. Since I wasn't doing schoolwork it was decided I would spend the day at the org doing courses and helping out in CF so from 14-18 I spent every day at the org doing various courses and bridge actions. I even spent 3 months on the Purif waiting for that incredible-sounding EP. Eventually I convinced myself I had achieved it, although really I knew I was just saying whatever it took to be done. I was on course 5 hours a day and spending my off-time trying to avoid being caught by some enterprising staff member who would put me to work, usually letter-writing, occasionally doing reception or minor physical labor. There were a number of us kids at the org in similar situations so I had a close group of friends and didn't have any real responsibilities. My sister joined the sea org the day she turned 18 but we weren't all that close so it didn't bother me too much.
I joined staff briefly at one point. I was promised I could be in OSA helping to battle the evil-doers and I was totally psyched, but when I showed up for my first day I was plunked at reception and told I would be working in HCO. That wasn't ok with me and I "blew" the next day. A very brief stint indeed. My mom was influential enough at that org that I didn't get any real flak for blowing, plus I was only 16 and other than a little verbal abuse I got away unscathed. I also signed a sea-org contract on one occasion after an especially grueling 5-hour recruitathon just to get out of the room. I was so relieved when my dad said I couldn't join until I was 18.
In 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit I realized that I needed to do something. I had either just done the VM course or did it quickly before going down to Louisiana to help in the relief efforts, I can't remember exactly. It wouldn't be until years later that I realized how odd it was that the church receives so many donations for humanitarian efforts yet I had to get a local Scientologist to sponsor me in order to get a plane ticket. Those yellow shirts and jackets must cost a fortune. When I arrived in Baton Rouge I was collected at the airport by a local scientologist and driven to a shelter at an elementary school where we were supposed to hand out water the next day. We were given a box of MREs to eat and a thin blanket and told to find a spot on the floor to sleep. The next day we were standing out on road and cars would drive up and we would hand them their water rations from a big FEMA truck. Every day we moved from one shelter to another, slept on little cots or floors at night and spent that day doing whatever FEMA told us to. I worked a missing-persons phone line, served food in a shelter cafeteria, and on one especially useless day gave nerve assists to displaced residents. At one point I even heard a FEMA official remark "The yellow shirts are here, you guys get shit done!" and I was never prouder to be a Scientologist.
For the next 6 or 7 years I was totally gung-ho. I did my courses and volunteered most of my non-study time to helping around the org. My mom left staff again at some point but I continued to go in and spend my time with my group. When the ideal org program was rolling out I decided I needed to go up to Buffalo and help with the renovations. I took a 10 hour bus ride which was over-booked and I ended up sitting on the step up by the driver for the entirety of it. I was assigned to all sorts of odd jobs there from working on a tile mosaic to scraping old paint off a wall. I spent a couple days there before my grandfather suddenly died and I had to quickly leave to go to the funeral. My sister was posted at the CLO in NYC so it was decided that I would take a bus to NYC and spend the night at the CLO and then we would fly together to the funeral. When I got to the CLO I could not believe the conditions there. I slept in a tiny room with a 3-story bunk bed on either side of it and a narrow walkway between them. I was on the top bunk and in the morning somehow my mattress slid off and I crashed down to the floor breaking my ankle. I went to the MLO, got one crutch and a foot wrapping and then my sister and I walked subway and got to the airport. We flew out for the funeral at which point I was able to see a doctor and get proper treatment but the whole event really impacted me. I couldn't believe the living conditions these mythical sea-org members were living in. It was really appalling and loosened some of the rust that had settled into the critical-thinking portion of my brain.
A few years later Buffalo was ready to open up and even better my sister was on mission there and wouldn't I like to come see her and see the finished project? Why yes I would! My brother and I took a train up that weekend and oohed and aahed at the new fancy displays and the beautiful tile mosaic and wonderfully refreshed walls. Then came the recruitment cycles. In my naivete I thought we were there to see our sister and the building I volunteered my time to work on. Oh no. This org needed staff and it needed staff now. My brother and I were split up and the next 4 hours was a 3-on-1 recruitment cycle which went nowhere. Which meant I probably had missed withholds and needed a little sec checking so I was put into a room with a meter and a sea org member and the door was locked. I was sec checked, mostly about what kind of porn I was looking at, at then told that these session notes were going to be faxed to my mom if I didn't sign my contract. I was absolutely in shock. this was not what I expected of Scientology or Scientologists. This was against everything I had ever been told about the most ethical group on the planet. I had no idea what to do but agree. I just wanted to be let out of this little room with this terrible person. I said I would sign the contract but could I please go to the bathroom first. The door was unlocked and I RAN up the stairs and out of the building and around the block and I called my mom and told her I needed to come home NOW. I told her what had happened and that they locked me in a room and I just wanted to leave and please could she help me leave and help me find my brother so we could leave together. She told me to hide where I was and that she would call my sister and get everything sorted out. An hour or so later my brother came strolling around the corner and we made our way to the train station and were on our way home. That was pretty much it for me and the church at that point. I felt totally betrayed and disabused of the rosy image I had of the group I was a part of. I thought there must be something rotten in the church, but the teachings are still valid so I'll just do extension courses and self analysis and maybe I'll do Dianetics auditing and go clear that way.
Eventually I moved out of my house and across the country and got space away from the church and Scientologists and Scientology. I met people who weren't Scientologists and who somehow managed to be good people nonetheless. Things really clicked for me in 2017 when I was watching a Joe Rogan podcast with Megan Phelps-Roper of the Westborough Baptist Church (the hate group of "God Hates Fags" and picketing soldiers funerals infamy"). She was describing how certain she was, when she was in the group, of their rightness. That these evil things they were doing were somehow saving humanity and that there was nothing you could say to her at that time that would convince her otherwise. I realized that me, my family, my friends, basically everyone I knew was the same way. The transgressions of Scientology were to be forgiven at all costs because the entire world relies on us. We were so sure of our rightness that we could never be wrong. It was such a powerful realization for me and it gave me the courage to start really digging into who LRH was and what Scientology was all about. That's when I found out about the Hole and about Mike Rinder. This man I had seen at so many events, who was so important and ethical and powerful and now he was out there saying David Miscavige beats him!? And as I kept reading and listening and watching things just got more and more horrifying and hard to process.
At this point in my life ALL of my close friends and my immediate family are Scientologist. There is this constant sword of Damocles that is disconnection hanging above my head which has kept me from speaking out and trying to get these people to wake up. I have to watch my nephew and niece be brought up in this horrible cult and do nothing. I feel isolated from the people I care most about. Luckily for me my wife is a never-in and has been an incredible support through all of this. I'm 100% sure I would have gotten back in if it wasn't for her, just so I could be fully with my group again.
Anyway thanks for reading. This was incredibly therapeutic for me.
I'm so glad I found this community! I've been looking high-and-low for a group of ex-Scientologists who I could share some experiences with for the past year or so and this is exactly what I was hoping it would be, so major thanks to whoever is running this board.
I was born into Scientology in the mid-80s and literally grew up in the church as both parents were staff members which meant daycare was a dusty room in the org with an underaged and under-qualified nanny. All told it wasn't a bad childhood. I had plenty of friends and lots of (maybe too much) freedom to do what we wanted. The years my Mom spent in LA and Florida doing training and auditing was a bit rough for a small child but we did ok. Luckily for my siblings and I we had an aunt who lived nearby we could stay with while Dad was working late nights CSing and mom was off doing her OT levels.
Dad left staff first, in the early-mid 90s and started working to create some real income so our growing family could move out of the tiny one-bedroom house we were renting. Mom held on for a little longer but eventually she too entered the real world to sell rugs on the side of the road for some extra cash. Life was pretty normal during that time. I went to public school and made one or two wog friends and just lived life.
When I was in 5th grade mom rejoined staff. My siblings and I became latchkey kids which was fine by us, although it became tiresome to have to babysit our 7 year old brother and we would often just leave him alone at home and go out skateboarding for a couple hours. 6th grade came around and I decided I could no longer handle public schools. Columbine had just happened and I was terrified that one of these psych-drugged kids was going to snap and mow me down one day. I convinced my parents to let me homeschool and they agreed. Of course my mom was still on staff and my dad was working so that was effectively the end of my schooling. I finished a repeat of 6th grade and then just stopped entirely. Since I wasn't doing schoolwork it was decided I would spend the day at the org doing courses and helping out in CF so from 14-18 I spent every day at the org doing various courses and bridge actions. I even spent 3 months on the Purif waiting for that incredible-sounding EP. Eventually I convinced myself I had achieved it, although really I knew I was just saying whatever it took to be done. I was on course 5 hours a day and spending my off-time trying to avoid being caught by some enterprising staff member who would put me to work, usually letter-writing, occasionally doing reception or minor physical labor. There were a number of us kids at the org in similar situations so I had a close group of friends and didn't have any real responsibilities. My sister joined the sea org the day she turned 18 but we weren't all that close so it didn't bother me too much.
I joined staff briefly at one point. I was promised I could be in OSA helping to battle the evil-doers and I was totally psyched, but when I showed up for my first day I was plunked at reception and told I would be working in HCO. That wasn't ok with me and I "blew" the next day. A very brief stint indeed. My mom was influential enough at that org that I didn't get any real flak for blowing, plus I was only 16 and other than a little verbal abuse I got away unscathed. I also signed a sea-org contract on one occasion after an especially grueling 5-hour recruitathon just to get out of the room. I was so relieved when my dad said I couldn't join until I was 18.
In 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit I realized that I needed to do something. I had either just done the VM course or did it quickly before going down to Louisiana to help in the relief efforts, I can't remember exactly. It wouldn't be until years later that I realized how odd it was that the church receives so many donations for humanitarian efforts yet I had to get a local Scientologist to sponsor me in order to get a plane ticket. Those yellow shirts and jackets must cost a fortune. When I arrived in Baton Rouge I was collected at the airport by a local scientologist and driven to a shelter at an elementary school where we were supposed to hand out water the next day. We were given a box of MREs to eat and a thin blanket and told to find a spot on the floor to sleep. The next day we were standing out on road and cars would drive up and we would hand them their water rations from a big FEMA truck. Every day we moved from one shelter to another, slept on little cots or floors at night and spent that day doing whatever FEMA told us to. I worked a missing-persons phone line, served food in a shelter cafeteria, and on one especially useless day gave nerve assists to displaced residents. At one point I even heard a FEMA official remark "The yellow shirts are here, you guys get shit done!" and I was never prouder to be a Scientologist.
For the next 6 or 7 years I was totally gung-ho. I did my courses and volunteered most of my non-study time to helping around the org. My mom left staff again at some point but I continued to go in and spend my time with my group. When the ideal org program was rolling out I decided I needed to go up to Buffalo and help with the renovations. I took a 10 hour bus ride which was over-booked and I ended up sitting on the step up by the driver for the entirety of it. I was assigned to all sorts of odd jobs there from working on a tile mosaic to scraping old paint off a wall. I spent a couple days there before my grandfather suddenly died and I had to quickly leave to go to the funeral. My sister was posted at the CLO in NYC so it was decided that I would take a bus to NYC and spend the night at the CLO and then we would fly together to the funeral. When I got to the CLO I could not believe the conditions there. I slept in a tiny room with a 3-story bunk bed on either side of it and a narrow walkway between them. I was on the top bunk and in the morning somehow my mattress slid off and I crashed down to the floor breaking my ankle. I went to the MLO, got one crutch and a foot wrapping and then my sister and I walked subway and got to the airport. We flew out for the funeral at which point I was able to see a doctor and get proper treatment but the whole event really impacted me. I couldn't believe the living conditions these mythical sea-org members were living in. It was really appalling and loosened some of the rust that had settled into the critical-thinking portion of my brain.
A few years later Buffalo was ready to open up and even better my sister was on mission there and wouldn't I like to come see her and see the finished project? Why yes I would! My brother and I took a train up that weekend and oohed and aahed at the new fancy displays and the beautiful tile mosaic and wonderfully refreshed walls. Then came the recruitment cycles. In my naivete I thought we were there to see our sister and the building I volunteered my time to work on. Oh no. This org needed staff and it needed staff now. My brother and I were split up and the next 4 hours was a 3-on-1 recruitment cycle which went nowhere. Which meant I probably had missed withholds and needed a little sec checking so I was put into a room with a meter and a sea org member and the door was locked. I was sec checked, mostly about what kind of porn I was looking at, at then told that these session notes were going to be faxed to my mom if I didn't sign my contract. I was absolutely in shock. this was not what I expected of Scientology or Scientologists. This was against everything I had ever been told about the most ethical group on the planet. I had no idea what to do but agree. I just wanted to be let out of this little room with this terrible person. I said I would sign the contract but could I please go to the bathroom first. The door was unlocked and I RAN up the stairs and out of the building and around the block and I called my mom and told her I needed to come home NOW. I told her what had happened and that they locked me in a room and I just wanted to leave and please could she help me leave and help me find my brother so we could leave together. She told me to hide where I was and that she would call my sister and get everything sorted out. An hour or so later my brother came strolling around the corner and we made our way to the train station and were on our way home. That was pretty much it for me and the church at that point. I felt totally betrayed and disabused of the rosy image I had of the group I was a part of. I thought there must be something rotten in the church, but the teachings are still valid so I'll just do extension courses and self analysis and maybe I'll do Dianetics auditing and go clear that way.
Eventually I moved out of my house and across the country and got space away from the church and Scientologists and Scientology. I met people who weren't Scientologists and who somehow managed to be good people nonetheless. Things really clicked for me in 2017 when I was watching a Joe Rogan podcast with Megan Phelps-Roper of the Westborough Baptist Church (the hate group of "God Hates Fags" and picketing soldiers funerals infamy"). She was describing how certain she was, when she was in the group, of their rightness. That these evil things they were doing were somehow saving humanity and that there was nothing you could say to her at that time that would convince her otherwise. I realized that me, my family, my friends, basically everyone I knew was the same way. The transgressions of Scientology were to be forgiven at all costs because the entire world relies on us. We were so sure of our rightness that we could never be wrong. It was such a powerful realization for me and it gave me the courage to start really digging into who LRH was and what Scientology was all about. That's when I found out about the Hole and about Mike Rinder. This man I had seen at so many events, who was so important and ethical and powerful and now he was out there saying David Miscavige beats him!? And as I kept reading and listening and watching things just got more and more horrifying and hard to process.
At this point in my life ALL of my close friends and my immediate family are Scientologist. There is this constant sword of Damocles that is disconnection hanging above my head which has kept me from speaking out and trying to get these people to wake up. I have to watch my nephew and niece be brought up in this horrible cult and do nothing. I feel isolated from the people I care most about. Luckily for me my wife is a never-in and has been an incredible support through all of this. I'm 100% sure I would have gotten back in if it wasn't for her, just so I could be fully with my group again.
Anyway thanks for reading. This was incredibly therapeutic for me.