Love / Care For

[Helena Handbasket]

There's no doubt that most people care for the ones they love. But I got to thinking recently; mayber that's reversed. Maybe it's more true to say we love the ones we care for.

When someone-born-female (can't just say woman anymore) gives birth, her hypothalimus dumps heaps of the feelgood hormone oxytocin into her bloodstream. Not only does that facilitate the birthing process, but causes her to fall in love with the child -- so she cares for it (provides for its needs).

This process is fairly rapid; not gradual (the word oxytocin is derived from Greek meaning "quick birth").

An adopting mom doesn't have this speedy increase in positive emotion, but there is love that grows over time -- so that after 3 months, an adopted child is loved just as much, statistically, as one acquired the old-fashioned way.

Could it be that caring for someone causes you to love them? Or that it works both ways to some degree?

My BF was recently seriously ill. I took responsibility for his health, dealing with all the various problems, including managing the finances. But more recently he rejected my help, preferring to take care of himself (even though I could see that physical activity, or being cold, triggered his illness again). I found myself feeling upset with him -- perhaps because if I wasn't being allowed to care for him, I felt some animosity in response? It also triggered a full-blown depression in me.

I tend to be an untrusting soul. I've been aggressed against many times in my life, causing me to maintain distance between myself and others. I try not to get too close to others, because when I do, they suddenly want nothing to do with me any more (and they never tell me why). This has been called "the surprise of the inevitable" in Hannah Greene's book, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden".

Also, I have thoroughly interiorized you-know-who's concept of exchange, and I'm reluctant to let anybody do something for me without my doing something for them. Could this be why eventually people hate me?

In other words, when we care for someone, does that cause us to love them? It seems to be that way with pets; if you care for one (or more) long enough, you love them.

Comments?

Helena

 

[La La Lou Lou]

There's no doubt that most people care for the ones they love. But I got to thinking recently; mayber that's reversed. Maybe it's more true to say we love the ones we care for.

When someone-born-female (can't just say woman anymore) gives birth, her hypothalimus dumps heaps of the feelgood hormone oxytocin into her bloodstream. Not only does that facilitate the birthing process, but causes her to fall in love with the child -- so she cares for it (provides for its needs).

This process is fairly rapid; not gradual (the word oxytocin is derived from Greek meaning "quick birth").

An adopting mom doesn't have this speedy increase in positive emotion, but there is love that grows over time -- so that after 3 months, an adopted child is loved just as much, statistically, as one acquired the old-fashioned way.

Could it be that caring for someone causes you to love them? Or that it works both ways to some degree?

My BF was recently seriously ill. I took responsibility for his health, dealing with all the various problems, including managing the finances. But more recently he rejected my help, preferring to take care of himself (even though I could see that physical activity, or being cold, triggered his illness again). I found myself feeling upset with him -- perhaps because if I wasn't being allowed to care for him, I felt some animosity in response? It also triggered a full-blown depression in me.

I tend to be an untrusting soul. I've been aggressed against many times in my life, causing me to maintain distance between myself and others. I try not to get too close to others, because when I do, they suddenly want nothing to do with me any more (and they never tell me why). This has been called "the surprise of the inevitable" in Hannah Greene's book, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden".

Also, I have thoroughly interiorized you-know-who's concept of exchange, and I'm reluctant to let anybody do something for me without my doing something for them. Could this be why eventually people hate me?

In other words, when we care for someone, does that cause us to love them? It seems to be that way with pets; if you care for one (or more) long enough, you love them.

Comments?

Helena

Good point, I would certainly agree that those I have cared for I loved more than I did before I cared for them. I hope it's not all chemical though.

You often get children looking after aged parents who treat them terribly, I mean the parents snap and abuse their caring grown up children and leave their money to the kids that didn't help them. The chemical effect could be the thing that keeps the children looking after their parents, well that and a sense of duty and love, but I really hope it's not a kind of drug addiction.

 

[The_Fixer]

Sometimes people with trust issues can create their own self fulfilling prophecies, usually unintentionally.

They often end up exhibiting behaviours that make others shy away either immediately or in due course. In these cases, it creates habitual patterns.

People without balance in their lives cannot see where they are going wrong, because they are living it and it often takes someone who isn't involved to help them to see things in a different light.

I'm sorry that life is working out for you in this way and I do hope you can find a way to discover a happy balance for yourself. It isn't usually about other people, but more about how you can find your own peace. Only then you can find better people and situations to get involved with.

Forgiveness is a good start, if you are ready and open to it. It does not mean to say that anything that happened was okay or puts it all right, but as long as you carry anger and bitterness, they hold all the power over you. If you can let those emotions go, then you get your power back and your own healing can begin. Caring and love usually stems from positive origins, very rarely from elsewhere.

I keep trying to tell my own son not to get involved in relationships, as they only end disastrously and each time it gets worse. He needs to fix his own life first before bringing others in. He is pretty broken himself and always has been, but lives in denial of it all.

I live in eternal hope for him, but I am also somewhat realistic about it all too.

Anyway, I hope that helps you a little.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Good point, I would certainly agree that those I have cared for I loved more than I did before I cared for them. I hope it's not all chemical though.

You often get children looking after aged parents who treat them terribly, I mean the parents snap and abuse their caring grown up children and leave their money to the kids that didn't help them. The chemical effect could be the thing that keeps the children looking after their parents, well that and a sense of duty and love, but I really hope it's not a kind of drug addiction.

(Emphasis mine above.) It's all chemical. Hormones and emotions are synonymous.

Helena

 

[La La Lou Lou]

(Emphasis mine above.) It's all all chemical. Hormones and emotions are synonymous.

Helena

I do hope you're wrong.

 

[Pepin]

There's no doubt that most people care for the ones they love. But I got to thinking recently; mayber that's reversed. Maybe it's more true to say we love the ones we care for.

When someone-born-female (can't just say woman anymore) gives birth, her hypothalimus dumps heaps of the feelgood hormone oxytocin into her bloodstream. Not only does that facilitate the birthing process, but causes her to fall in love with the child -- so she cares for it (provides for its needs).

This process is fairly rapid; not gradual (the word oxytocin is derived from Greek meaning "quick birth").

An adopting mom doesn't have this speedy increase in positive emotion, but there is love that grows over time -- so that after 3 months, an adopted child is loved just as much, statistically, as one acquired the old-fashioned way.

Could it be that caring for someone causes you to love them? Or that it works both ways to some degree?

My BF was recently seriously ill. I took responsibility for his health, dealing with all the various problems, including managing the finances. But more recently he rejected my help, preferring to take care of himself (even though I could see that physical activity, or being cold, triggered his illness again). I found myself feeling upset with him -- perhaps because if I wasn't being allowed to care for him, I felt some animosity in response? It also triggered a full-blown depression in me.

I tend to be an untrusting soul. I've been aggressed against many times in my life, causing me to maintain distance between myself and others. I try not to get too close to others, because when I do, they suddenly want nothing to do with me any more (and they never tell me why). This has been called "the surprise of the inevitable" in Hannah Greene's book, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden".

Also, I have thoroughly interiorized you-know-who's concept of exchange, and I'm reluctant to let anybody do something for me without my doing something for them. Could this be why eventually people hate me?

In other words, when we care for someone, does that cause us to love them? It seems to be that way with pets; if you care for one (or more) long enough, you love them.

Comments?

Helena

Nice thought.

Love, true love, is not of the body

 

[The_Fixer]

Nice thought.

Love, true love, is not of the body

Yes. The body is involved, usually, but it is led by the mind and the soul.

 

[Pepin]

Yes. The body is involved, usually, but it is led by the mind and the soul.

True love is much more than what a body can do, Love is not proteins nor enzymes, Love is of the spirit, body love is eros and not related in any way to true love.

 

[Enthetan]

My personal definition of love (as distinct from just sexual desire) is "the willingness to make an effort to enhance the happiness and well being of the loved one".

My wife is no longer the cute girl with the perky breasts I met 40+ years ago. But every day she puts in an effort to make me happy. (And vice versa)

 

[Helena Handbasket]

Love is many things. But the most important thing, the thing that makes love love is ...

AN INTENSE FEELING OF JUST WANTING TO BE WITH THAT PERSON.

Helena

 

[Hatshepsut]

(Emphasis mine above.) It's all chemical. Hormones and emotions are synonymous.

Helena

I think it's the same with goals, whether real or implanted. A person just wouldn't fire off on an adventure or transfer into a simulation from an immersion pod, if the feelings and hormones weren't set off. It's about what you are 'feeling'.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

-- snip --

Forgiveness is a good start, if you are ready and open to it. It does not mean to say that anything that happened was okay or puts it all right, but as long as you carry anger and bitterness, they hold all the power over you. If you can let those emotions go, then you get your power back and your own healing can begin. Caring and love usually stems from positive origins, very rarely from elsewhere.

--snip --

Forgiveness -- what a dumb idea. Almost as bad as gratitude. (Although I see some wisdom in the second sentence above.)

Helena

 

[Enthetan]

Forgiveness -- what a dumb idea. Almost as bad as gratitude. (Although I see some wisdom in the second sentence above.)

Helena

You forgive when you decide that the net positive the person has in your life exceeds the hurt from whatever it was.

You can choose to not forgive when you decide that there IS NO net positive from having the person in your life, and decide to remove that person from it.

Gratitude is the recognition of a large positive effect.

 

[The_Fixer]

You forgive when you decide that the net positive the person has in your life exceeds the hurt from whatever it was.

You can choose to not forgive when you decide that there IS NO net positive from having the person in your life, and decide to remove that person from it.

Gratitude is the recognition of a large positive effect.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you still allow that person to be in your life either.
In general, (for me) it means you no longer are letting that person hold any power over you. You give that power back to yourself. Probably better known as empowering yourself.

@Helena Handbasket , What I have noticed over the years is that you have little interest in resolving things for yourself and only want to keep your anger and bitterness alive. It isn't a good way to live.

We all have things that are difficult for us to let go, but it is only ourselves that have the power to choose who or what is going to control our thoughts and actions.

It's your choice. Either way, I wish you peace.