Finally free!

FreeNow

Member
I was a staff member from 1994-2007, and it took me many years to get to where I am now, feeling free and happy, no longer traumatized or experiencing much PTSD form those days. In 2016 I did an interview with Tony Ortega and I'm pretty sure I was declared after that or perhaps sooner, who knows. Yesterday I recorded a podcast interview about my time in Scn & what it took to leave, the ramifications, and what my life was like after, and now. It will air in Nov. My hope is that it will help even one person to leave. I can finally talk about it! So that got me thinking that there must be a place for exes to congregate, and here I am. Just hoping to meet some others who've been through what I've been through, as I don't know anyone else who has. Anyway, I'm here now, and thanks for reading!
 

Type4_PTS

Well-known member
I was a staff member from 1994-2007, and it took me many years to get to where I am now, feeling free and happy, no longer traumatized or experiencing much PTSD form those days. In 2016 I did an interview with Tony Ortega and I'm pretty sure I was declared after that or perhaps sooner, who knows. Yesterday I recorded a podcast interview about my time in Scn & what it took to leave, the ramifications, and what my life was like after, and now. It will air in Nov. My hope is that it will help even one person to leave. I can finally talk about it! So that got me thinking that there must be a place for exes to congregate, and here I am. Just hoping to meet some others who've been through what I've been through, as I don't know anyone else who has. Anyway, I'm here now, and thanks for reading!

FreeNow,

:welcome2:


Thank you for doing that interview! I've tried myself over the years to help some get out as well. I was staff for about 10 years myself back in the '80s, for Boston Org, Social Coordination (in LA), and for the SMI INT Expansion Office in Clearwater. If you were declared then you're in very good company! They declared me in '89 after I informed the RPF MAA that I had decided to leave the Sea Org. In all seriousness, that was the best thing they ever did for me. It was difficult at the time as I was disconnected from some friends still in, but looking back on how everything played out I wouldn't change a thing.
 

Karakorum

Broke ranks over 10 years ago, never looked back
I was a staff member from 1994-2007, and it took me many years to get to where I am now, feeling free and happy, no longer traumatized or experiencing much PTSD form those days. In 2016 I did an interview with Tony Ortega and I'm pretty sure I was declared after that or perhaps sooner, who knows. Yesterday I recorded a podcast interview about my time in Scn & what it took to leave, the ramifications, and what my life was like after, and now. It will air in Nov. My hope is that it will help even one person to leave. I can finally talk about it! So that got me thinking that there must be a place for exes to congregate, and here I am. Just hoping to meet some others who've been through what I've been through, as I don't know anyone else who has. Anyway, I'm here now, and thanks for reading!
Hi and welcome to the boards. :welcome::welcome2:

Really sucks to hear that you got PTSD from that nonsense. I can't blame you at all and I hope you are doing fine now. Scn can be extremely controlling and abusive. Not to mention the constant victim blaming. Or the heavy ethics and total invigilation.

I was on staff and in the SO at a similar time as you were, also defecting in the late 2000s (but I got declared pretty much instantly after doing so).

Feel free to look around the forums, recently we have been getting more and more active. Cehck the "
Stories From Inside Scientology and Staff "War Stories" forum sections for "old veteran" stories. Scientology-related Videos has vlogs, videos and podcasts from ex-members.

Other than that, the best way to start is just click the "new posts" button or reply to the most recent ongoing threads.


Would love to hear your podcast, or read the Ortega interview. If you don't mind sharing, do you have a link? (OMG, that last sentence sure didn't make me sound like an OSA operative ;) )
 

FreeNow

Member
FreeNow,

:welcome2:


Thank you for doing that interview! I've tried myself over the years to help some get out as well. I was staff for about 10 years myself back in the '80s, for Boston Org, Social Coordination (in LA), and for the SMI INT Expansion Office in Clearwater. If you were declared then you're in very good company! They declared me in '89 after I informed the RPF MAA that I had decided to leave the Sea Org. In all seriousness, that was the best thing they ever did for me. It was difficult at the time as I was disconnected from some friends still in, but looking back on how everything played out I wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks! How ddid you know you were declared? I can only assume I was, as my ex-husband, who I had remained friends with up until only a few years ago, openly disconnected from me. SMI INT in Clw, huh? I was Clearwater Mission staff!
 

FreeNow

Member
Hi and welcome to the boards. :welcome::welcome2:

Really sucks to hear that you got PTSD from that nonsense. I can't blame you at all and I hope you are doing fine now. Scn can be extremely controlling and abusive. Not to mention the constant victim blaming. Or the heavy ethics and total invigilation.

I was on staff and in the SO at a similar time as you were, also defecting in the late 2000s (but I got declared pretty much instantly after doing so).

Feel free to look around the forums, recently we have been getting more and more active. Cehck the "
Stories From Inside Scientology and Staff "War Stories" forum sections for "old veteran" stories. Scientology-related Videos has vlogs, videos and podcasts from ex-members.

Other than that, the best way to start is just click the "new posts" button or reply to the most recent ongoing threads.


Would love to hear your podcast, or read the Ortega interview. If you don't mind sharing, do you have a link? (OMG, that last sentence sure didn't make me sound like an OSA operative ;) )
Thanks for the welcome. I am doing much better now, but for years it was really hard with all the emotions & stuff. Happy to share the interview even though it has my name, nothing to hide! Even the local Scientology mission is hiding a horror show of abuse: Kelly Jordan tells her tale | The Underground Bunker
And I can come back and post the podcast when it's released.
 

Type4_PTS

Well-known member
Thanks! How ddid you know you were declared? I can only assume I was, as my ex-husband, who I had remained friends with up until only a few years ago, openly disconnected from me. SMI INT in Clw, huh? I was Clearwater Mission staff!
I knew I was declared because I was routed to Senior HCO at Flag and handed a Goldenrod. It seems more recently that that is unusual where you're not actually given a copy of your ethics order but back then I believe it was pretty standard.

Yeah, I was only in Clearwater for a year. I raised hell there at Flag and got myself RPF'ed. After some months I had enough and decided to leave.
 

FreeNow

Member
I knew I was declared because I was routed to Senior HCO at Flag and handed a Goldenrod. It seems more recently that that is unusual where you're not actually given a copy of your ethics order but back then I believe it was pretty standard.

Yeah, I was only in Clearwater for a year. I raised hell there at Flag and got myself RPF'ed. After some months I had enough and decided to leave.
I gotcha. That makes sense, since I left on good terms at the time, and only later spoke out in the interview....it's not like they're gonna mail e the declare order LOL! Good for you for raising hell!
 

Type4_PTS

Well-known member
I gotcha. That makes sense, since I left on good terms at the time, and only later spoke out in the interview....it's not like they're gonna mail e the declare order LOL! Good for you for raising hell!

I had never been to the Clearwater Mission but back in the early 80's I participated in a weekend training for Book 1 Dianetics auditing at Boston Org and Carter was there and was one of the supervisors of the training.
 

Karakorum

Broke ranks over 10 years ago, never looked back
Thanks for the welcome. I am doing much better now, but for years it was really hard with all the emotions & stuff. Happy to share the interview even though it has my name, nothing to hide! Even the local Scientology mission is hiding a horror show of abuse: Kelly Jordan tells her tale | The Underground Bunker
Wow thanks. I've spent my time in WUS, never really had anything directly to do with the Clearwater mission myself. I was at the FOLO for a bit tho.

Hope you don't mind if I quote some parts of the interview and comment. So much I can relate to!

now, I have a very good life. Mostly I just feel really stupid for sticking around so long.
Oh yes! You and me both. Same exact feeling on my end.

we started at 9 am and went until 10:30 or 11:30 at night, seven days a week and then eventually we closed at 5 p.m. on Saturday and Sunday.
Yeah, that's more extreme than what I had when I was on staff in California. But it is less extreme than the SO at the continental management level. There we would rarely get full 8 hours of sleep. Going to sleep at 1 AM only to wake up at 6 AM - that was not unusual.

I really didn’t have very much study time.
Similar experience in the SO. For me, there was always tons and tons of work and everything was super urgent... there was never time to do much in terms of study or get any real auditing.

One day everything would be amazing and the next day the world was ending
Oh yeah, that sounds so damn familiar. The world was always ending inside. Repeatedly. "The world is ending!" was part of business-as-usual. I use to refer to this as the "OMFG the sky is gonna fall on our heads!" mode.

That’s the big joke, I only got to ARC Straightwire. And Student Hat on the training side. In 14 years. When you are constantly in ethics trouble for absolutely no reason, you don’t make it very far up the Bridge
You don't go far up the bridge even if you aren't in ethics trouble that much. They don't want people like us to 'waste time' on the bridge. Why? Because we don't provide money, we contribute labor. So that's the only thing they ever want from us: "Go! Go! Go! Work more, sleep less! You can sleep when you're dead!"

I was born into the cult. Spent years on staff, then SO, being an MAA, at continental management, ADU, INV, FOLO, CLO... the whole alphabet soup with the exception of CST and RTC. And I never got past clear. And even that was something I reached when I was still just on staff. I did not move even an inch up the bridge during my whole time in the SO.

Now I am happily remarried, have a great job, an excellent credit score and financial stability.
:thumbsup:

That's the rule, not an exception. People who are stuck doing lowers or 'graduate' from the RPF and are held in contempt... they would make superstar corporate employees in the big world. My current company would kill to get any of my former inv colleagues as employees.

Scientology produces very dedicated, focused, hard working tough employees. And then it makes all that HR potential go to absolute waste. Its sad and pathetic what they do with it.

I had to always be doing something because that was expected of me for so long.
Had the exact same thing tbh. Even after I stopped believing in any of the tech, I still had that "You can sleep when you're dead!"mindset.

(...)before you realize it, if you want to leave, you could lose all your connections. I didn’t know anyone who wasn’t in, and I had to start my life over from scratch.
Yeah exactly. I posted the exact same thing earlier today in a different thread:

"the hardest part about leaving the SO was:
  • Knowing that I can't take my people with me
  • That by leaving I'm gonna expose them to a crash-stat and ruthless punishment
  • That I will need to walk out into a "strange land" without knowing anyone on the outside.
 

FreeNow

Member
I had never been to the Clearwater Mission but back in the early 80's I participated in a weekend training for Book 1 Dianetics auditing at Boston Org and Carter was there and was one of the supervisors of the training.
Oh, yes, I knew Carter quite well!
 

Dotey OT

We Finally Got a Puppy!
Hello and welcome!!!!

Clearwater stories!! I lived there about four years scattered through twenty years, such is the life.
 
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FreeNow

Member
Wow thanks. I've spent my time in WUS, never really had anything directly to do with the Clearwater mission myself. I was at the FOLO for a bit tho.

Hope you don't mind if I quote some parts of the interview and comment. So much I can relate to!


Oh yes! You and me both. Same exact feeling on my end.


Yeah, that's more extreme than what I had when I was on staff in California. But it is less extreme than the SO at the continental management level. There we would rarely get full 8 hours of sleep. Going to sleep at 1 AM only to wake up at 6 AM - that was not unusual.


Similar experience in the SO. For me, there was always tons and tons of work and everything was super urgent... there was never time to do much in terms of study or get any real auditing.


Oh yeah, that sounds so damn familiar. The world was always ending inside. Repeatedly. "The world is ending!" was part of business-as-usual. I use to refer to this as the "OMFG the sky is gonna fall on our heads!" mode.


You don't go far up the bridge even if you aren't in ethics trouble that much. They don't want people like us to 'waste time' on the bridge. Why? Because we don't provide money, we contribute labor. So that's the only thing they ever want from us: "Go! Go! Go! Work more, sleep less! You can sleep when you're dead!"

I was born into the cult. Spent years on staff, then SO, being an MAA, at continental management, ADU, INV, FOLO, CLO... the whole alphabet soup with the exception of CST and RTC. And I never got past clear. And even that was something I reached when I was still just on staff. I did not move even an inch up the bridge during my whole time in the SO.


:thumbsup:

That's the rule, not an exception. People who are stuck doing lowers or 'graduate' from the RPF and are held in contempt... they would make superstar corporate employees in the big world. My current company would kill to get any of my former inv colleagues as employees.

Scientology produces very dedicated, focused, hard working tough employees. And then it makes all that HR potential go to absolute waste. Its sad and pathetic what they do with it.


Had the exact same thing tbh. Even after I stopped believing in any of the tech, I still had that "You can sleep when you're dead!"mindset.


Yeah exactly. I posted the exact same thing earlier today in a different thread:

"the hardest part about leaving the SO was:
  • Knowing that I can't take my people with me
  • That by leaving I'm gonna expose them to a crash-stat and ruthless punishment
  • That I will need to walk out into a "strange land" without knowing anyone on the outside.
Thank you for all of that! I know my experience isn’t unusual but it’s always nice to hear it, ya know? 🤓
 

Karakorum

Broke ranks over 10 years ago, never looked back
Thank you for all of that! I know my experience isn’t unusual but it’s always nice to hear it, ya know? 🤓
Ah heck, no that wasn't my intention to in any way downplay your experiences! If that's how I came off, then I'd like to apologize. Everyone's experience is unique and valuable.

I wanted to underline some common themes and feelings between us, because that reflects I believe the destructive cookie-cutter one-size-fits-all culture of scientology. And it is surprisingly consistent - you at a local org in Florida, me in the SO on the other side of the country and a person I got to know who at that time was a public in Moscow. And yet we all had extremely similar experiences.

As I like to say: "There's only so many ways for organizational stupidity to express itself!"
 

Type4_PTS

Well-known member
Oh, yes, I knew Carter quite well!

I didn't get to know him well as he was just around for a few days. When I was auditing someone on Book I and got stuck on something he came over and told me how to handle it. That was the extent of my interaction with him. But I was very new in Scn at the time and impressed with him because he was a Class 8 auditor.
 

onceuponatime

Well-known member
Welcome! Brave of you to tell your story publicly, especially back then. I hope that stories such as yours will become more commonplace.
 

FreeNow

Member
Ah heck, no that wasn't my intention to in any way downplay your experiences! If that's how I came off, then I'd like to apologize. Everyone's experience is unique and valuable.

I wanted to underline some common themes and feelings between us, because that reflects I believe the destructive cookie-cutter one-size-fits-all culture of scientology. And it is surprisingly consistent - you at a local org in Florida, me in the SO on the other side of the country and a person I got to know who at that time was a public in Moscow. And yet we all had extremely similar experiences.

As I like to say: "There's only so many ways for organizational stupidity to express itself!"
Oh no I didn’t take it that way at all! I definitely meant that it is good to hear how similar our experiences were 😁
 
D

Deleted member 51

Guest
:welcome2:

Welcome, Freenow, and congratulations on finding your way out and creating your own life for yourself. :congratulations:

That takes a great deal of courage and inner strength. Keep going, you’re doing great.
 

programmer_guy

True ex-Scientologist
@FreeNow

After you left your involvement in Scientology were you ever physically followed by someone from the CofS?
If that happened to you I would like to read your story about that.
 
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