An open letter to my XBF

Helena Handbasket

Active member
(I don't know if he'll ever see this, but let me just say it's not impossible.)

The year we were together was one of the best years of my life, although in retrospect, I can see now that it was doomed. You see, I have Asperger's Syndrome, where one is extremely capable in fields like math and science, but severly deficient in social skills. I did not have what it took to respond to your social signals, and as a result came across as uncaring and uninterested. Believe me, it's not that I didn't care; I just didn't have a clue about how to show it.

My heart was shattered when you broke it off with me. "Let go and move on" all the experts said, but I could no sooner let go and move on than I could sprout wings and fly. But not for lack of trying -- I even got married in the attempt. It didn't work -- all it was was just another nail in the coffin of what had been the best thing I ever had going for me.

If anything, my feelings for you deepened as the years rolled on, as the emotional blockages from my past were dislodged; through years of therapy, both on and off the cans.

I've long since given up the idea of us getting back together in this lifetime, but sometimes I think (fantasize?) we'll meet up again "somewhere up the line" in the future when all will be forgiven and we can start anew. But perhaps that's just a fool's hope.

We do seem to run into one another every few lifetimes; in your last lifetime/my next-to-last lifetime we were with each other and extremely happy. But tragically, I died of a puerperal infection, just a few short years before the antibiotics that could have saved my life became generally available. This happened in Australia, explaining my fascination with that continent in this lifetime. Subconciously, I went there looking for you (but of course you were no longer there).

After the breakup, I shed a million tears, but I don't blame you for it -- I consider myself 95% responsible for our parting of the ways. Remember when I told people I was suicidal? Only to turn up very much alive after a few days? Well, what no one realizes is that I very nearly did the deed. I went back to the place we first met to try and get ****** and ******* to talk me out of it.

So eventually I did what I do best -- I ran away. I moved to another city and did the OT levels. I went to a public meeting when who do I see walking in the door -- but you! You walked up behind me and rubbed my neck -- it was the most glorious moment I had in a year! Again, because of my Asperger's syndrome I was not capable of responding appropriately.

At one point I was moving from one apartment to another across the street -- you offered to to help me, and in my Aspie way of thinking, since it was such a short move and I didn't have too many things, I didn't need help -- so I idiotically said no. What I didn't realize then was that you were offering to spend time with me (which I did want).

I'm truly sorry about the bumper sticker. It was never meant as a serious threat; more of a statement of, "see how much you hurt me?" Or at the very worst, a Freudian wish-fulfillment fantasy meant to discharge my feelings internally while having no effect on the external world.

Add to all of the above my health problem that finally pushed you over the edge. No need to air that dirty laundry here.

Why are we drawn to each other like this? I suspect it's because of a "mechanism" between us that kicks in every time we drift apart that attempts to pull us back together again. This is very high level OT stuff, and will respond to processing.

Although deep down inside I'd rather have the very slightest chance of simply being with you in the distant and uncertain future than blowing away this connection. But enough is enough -- I can't go on like I have. There is also a protocol that promises to "reboot my emotional subsystem". I'm going to try both of these.

Sometimes, what I want is simply to know how you are doing, just so I can wish you well. I should have taken you up on your offer, years ago, to be "just friends". While it was less than I wanted, it would have been a lot more than I ended up with.

So farewell my love, perhaps forever.

Give my best to the Mrs.

And by the way, happy birthday.

Helena Handbasket
 
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La La Lou Lou

Well-known member
Did you find that getting a diagnosis for Aspergers has helped you understand yourself, and your relationship with others and Scientology?
 

Helena Handbasket

Active member
Did you find that getting a diagnosis for Aspergers has helped you understand yourself, and your relationship with others and Scientology?
Technically, I was never diagnosed. But I always knew I was different somehow, and when I first started reading about it, it was clear that that's what I was. A formal diagnosis would have changed nothing; while there is some spotty support for those with Asperger's Syndrome, I can't qualify for benefits because of a technicality.

The kind of support I need, however, is in short supply. I'm talking about books with information and practical advice in it; however, most of the literature is oriented towards boys, not adult women. (If there's ever an Asperger's conference around here, I'm going there with a protest sign saying, "where are the resources for Aspie adults?")

One Tony Attwood has been particularly destructive in pushing the "it's a children's issue" agenda. I'd just love an opportunity to curse him out in public if I ever see him.

About Scientology -- the church hasn't a clue about this. In the Freezone, there's one very well known figure who keeps asking ME to explain it to HIM. But one thing I've noticed -- everyone who gets to know me hates me sooner or later. (I'm almost afraid to get close to people because I don't want them to shun me.) Call it "the surprise of the inevitable" from this book.

But all this has been a major factor (not the only factor) in my inability to form strong relationships. In fact, I have four crippling syndromes that pretty much guaranteed I would never be able to have a normal life.

Whew. Enough for now.

Helena
 

La La Lou Lou

Well-known member
Technically, I was never diagnosed. But I always knew I was different somehow, and when I first started reading about it, it was clear that that's what I was. A formal diagnosis would have changed nothing; while there is some spotty support for those with Asperger's Syndrome, I can't qualify for benefits because of a technicality.

The kind of support I need, however, is in short supply. I'm talking about books with information and practical advice in it; however, most of the literature is oriented towards boys, not adult women. (If there's ever an Asperger's conference around here, I'm going there with a protest sign saying, "where are the resources for Aspie adults?")

One Tony Attwood has been particularly destructive in pushing the "it's a children's issue" agenda. I'd just love an opportunity to curse him out in public if I ever see him.

About Scientology -- the church hasn't a clue about this. In the Freezone, there's one very well known figure who keeps asking ME to explain it to HIM. But one thing I've noticed -- everyone who gets to know me hates me sooner or later. (I'm almost afraid to get close to people because I don't want them to shun me.) Call it "the surprise of the inevitable" from this book.

But all this has been a major factor (not the only factor) in my inability to form strong relationships. In fact, I have four crippling syndromes that pretty much guaranteed I would never be able to have a normal life.

Whew. Enough for now.

Helena
Well you're not alone.

I had an actual diagnosis (I know really posh) but these days they don't say Aspergers, it's got bad connotations with Nazi Germany and killing 'mental' patients. So Now we are just Autistic. My official diagnosis said that I was somewhere on the spectrum. Personally it answered all the questions I've been asking myself since childhood, and in a way that self-diagnosis never did, but a little more specificity would have been nice.

I don't rub people up the wrong way much in real life, only on the internet, here and Facebook.

Couldn't agree more about the lack of support unless you happen to be a child, and the 'females can't be autistic thing' is a leftover from the old research starting in the Third Reich. Females tend to pass as Neuro Typicals easier and so don't get noticed as easily as boys. Females tend to be better at masking, are more empathetic and social in their gendered wiring so they seem more typical, boys tend to have less empathy. less social skills and are more aggressive in their meltdowns so get spotted much more easily. There also seems to be an understanding that people just grow out of it in time. But brains don't just rewire themselves.
 

Barile

Well-known member
Well you're not alone.

I had an actual diagnosis (I know really posh) but these days they don't say Aspergers, it's got bad connotations with Nazi Germany and killing 'mental' patients. So Now we are just Autistic. My official diagnosis said that I was somewhere on the spectrum. Personally it answered all the questions I've been asking myself since childhood, and in a way that self-diagnosis never did, but a little more specificity would have been nice.

I don't rub people up the wrong way much in real life, only on the internet, here and Facebook.

Couldn't agree more about the lack of support unless you happen to be a child, and the 'females can't be autistic thing' is a leftover from the old research starting in the Third Reich. Females tend to pass as Neuro Typicals easier and so don't get noticed as easily as boys. Females tend to be better at masking, are more empathetic and social in their gendered wiring so they seem more typical, boys tend to have less empathy. less social skills and are more aggressive in their meltdowns so get spotted much more easily. There also seems to be an understanding that people just grow out of it in time. But brains don't just rewire themselves.
We need to stop taking pseudo-science seriously. If we haven't learned that by now, we are doomed to be categorized by the 'fringe-du-jour'.
Check out the list of "confirmed" victims.

Do you see who is mistakenly not on the list? Me. If I could be included in any list, I would prefer to be on that one. It's akin to a super power which one needs to become aware of in order to avoid being bullied and marginalized by those with limited mental capacity or those that have a vested interest in creating a clientel to "help". It's a little like saying that the person who can see all colors of the rainbow is hallucinating, and hanging a "special" label on them. I don't buy that it is a disorder. I don't buy it in the least. What I do subscribe to is the idea that we need to be more discriminating when it comes to what pseudo-science we hold in regard. Wear the fucking t-shirt, fly the banner and be who you are. Wouldn't it be a better place?
 
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